AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

My husband and I have a long standing group skiing trip with our school friends, every February. This year has been hard financially, particularly for my DH, who is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings. My financial position is slightly better, and I have always prioritised holidays as a use of my disposable income, unlike my DH.

We have no children and have always had separate finances. Obviously we help each other out where we can.

Our ‘plan’ for next year was a 2 week long haul holiday sometime in Spring. We will have no significant plans prior to this due to DHs finances. I have savings to cover my half of this set aside.

Upon discussing the ski trip today, my DH expressed disappointment that he wouldn’t be able to afford to go, although he wanted to try and ‘make it work’ and would consider going into further debt to make it happen. When questioned about the knock on effect to our planned trip, he stated he would rather go on this group trip than our couples holiday. He also stated he would be ‘irritated’ if I went on the ski trip without him, which I was not significantly considering (for financial reasons), but I don’t think is his right to decide on my behalf. (It’s worth mentioning I attended this trip alone several times before DH and I were serious, and other solo friends attend).

AIBU to be annoyed he would prioritise a group trip he can barely afford, get into further debt OR tell me if he can’t go, I can’t go?

YABU, if he only has enough money to cover one holiday then of course, he should have a say in the holiday he wants.

Each to thier own, but this doesn't sound like a loving, happy marriage, you sound more like friends.

Yeah my ex husband would've had us in debt with all and sundry. He'd spend all his wages before paying bills. If we had joint money he would've spent the lot

He ended up bankrupt - and divorced lol

I can't believe you won't pay for him to go on holiday and you're then miffed he doesn't want a couple's holiday.

When you're married you're a team. I can't believe you'd be happy to go on a ski trip without him because he can't afford it.

Imagine one of your friends doing that! "Yeah Bob can't afford so I came without him "

I always find these sorts of posts baffling. This is so different from my model of marriage that I just can’t get my head round it.

I’m imagining this and I honestly don’t think it’s a problem.

Holidays together (as a couple or with a group of friends) are shared expenses. Leftover money is after all of these and after savings/investments based on agreed shared goals.

A marriage is a partnership, yours does not sound like that at all

Regarding debt in a divorce, it’s who has had the benefit of the debt that matters. So if DH buys the family car and the family benefits from the car, but he has a debt to finance it, it’s a matrimonial debt because it’s benefiting everyone. If the debt is for DH to join the golf club, only he benefits. So at divorce, he’s responsible for the debt.

I think If you save your ‘fun money’ and he spends it then it’s not fair for you to subsidize his ski trip with your savings.

So if he got a massive promotion and you fell ill and couldn’t work, you’d be fine with him going on nice holidays while you were just stuck at home alone?

More like ‘bob spaffed his budget away on nights out so he has no leisure money left whereas I’ve been frugal and sensible as I prioritize skiing’

So every year you go away skiing in Feb and he can’t afford it next year as well as a couple holiday

sounds like you both enjoy the friends holiday so unless usually have 2 holidays a year - rare for the average earner , one needs to not happen

joint finances don’t always work. If one is a spender /has debt and the other a saver

this was dh and I - now ex dh. He will always spend money. Have debt

I save for things I want /need as well as provide everything for dd

you don’t have kids. Are you ever going to ?

can he get a better paid job or do extra work even delivery stuff /amazon /take away delivery

If this was a man it would be called financial abuse and the OP told to ltb. It's a strange set up for a married couple bit like Cinderella. No you can't go to the ball. Pretty grim actually.

So what people are saying is if a couple are married. One saves all their spare cash for holidays and the other wastes their money then the saved should pay for the waster?

This!

Imagine turning up to a holiday and only
one person from a marriage was there and the wife says it’s because her husband couldn’t afford it!

Maybe in future when the money goes away for bills, holidays should be included in that every month so you are both contributing to holiday savings at the same time if that’s what important to you both

That. If you both plan a holiday, then a holiday savings fund that you both pay into every month is the obvious way to go. Then there's no "I can afford it but you can't' situation that can arise. To be honest I thought that that was hour most couples (who aren't loaded) go about saving for a holiday

Which begs the question, if you consider your DH a ‘waster’ why are you still married to them?

Well he didn’t say you couldn’t go, he said he’d be irritated. I think you might be too if the shoe was on the other foot.

Additionally, why are you both even discussing holidays if there’s not enough money between you both to cover you both?

You’re married, so his money is yours and yours is his. So, if you can afford to pay for 1 (you) for a couples holiday and for 1 (you) for a skiing holiday, then you can afford to pay for 2 (you + H) for either the couples holiday or the skiing holiday.

It’s an easy fix. You pay for both of you for one holiday. Like a married couple.

Well I suppose if he pays his share of the bills and just wastes his " leisure" money that wouldn't be an issue as long as you are then not expected to suvdide him

In the future what can your husband do to get himself out of this low paid job ?
or is this job his vocation and he would not want to find a ' better ' job.

Is when his share of the bills etc paid then he is left with ' little disposable income. '
How has he got ' a little bit of debt ' do you mean on a credit card or a car loan ?
How would he pay off this debt and how long will it take him ?

' and no savings.' what is he spending the little disposable income on that he does have.

Does he not realise right now he can't actually afford either holiday ?

Apart from getting in further debt, what can he do to increase his finances now ?
would he consider getting a part time job - evenings and / or weekends for a year or so.

It's a shame he would prioritise a group holiday than a later one with just you.

I guess I'd feel a bit disappointed he'd rather spend it on a trip with friends over a trip with me if you can't do both. Having said that, you are going on the friends ski trip anyway, so perhaps he thinks that's the best of both worlds? And maybe he simply prefers skiing over what would be planned on your couples holiday.
I also don't think it's anyone's right to tell someone what they can and cannot do, i.e. if you want to go on a trip you should be able to. But it is a tricky one because if the shoe was on the other foot and he left you at home even though you wanted to go, then it might feel a bit mean. Would you consider a joint holiday fund that you equally put into? Maybe after a chat he can focus putting disposable income into this to make it happen even if it means postponing the trip a bit.

My long term partner has an autoimmune disease, and I happily paid for our tickets to the US some years ago, as he couldn't work so wasn't earning. Not his fault. He couldn't go in the end as he had a flare up but I wouldn't dream of leaving him out like that.

Loads more examples. If we're a couple, we're a couple.

Some marriage .....!

But OP can't afford to pay for him. She only earns slightly more than him. But she's saved for her share of the holidays and he hasn't saved for his. She didn't have money left over to fund him.

You’re flat mates. What was the point in getting married? Doesn’t make sense to me.

Your marriage sounds barren in so many ways.