AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

My husband and I have a long standing group skiing trip with our school friends, every February. This year has been hard financially, particularly for my DH, who is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings. My financial position is slightly better, and I have always prioritised holidays as a use of my disposable income, unlike my DH.

We have no children and have always had separate finances. Obviously we help each other out where we can.

Our ‘plan’ for next year was a 2 week long haul holiday sometime in Spring. We will have no significant plans prior to this due to DHs finances. I have savings to cover my half of this set aside.

Upon discussing the ski trip today, my DH expressed disappointment that he wouldn’t be able to afford to go, although he wanted to try and ‘make it work’ and would consider going into further debt to make it happen. When questioned about the knock on effect to our planned trip, he stated he would rather go on this group trip than our couples holiday. He also stated he would be ‘irritated’ if I went on the ski trip without him, which I was not significantly considering (for financial reasons), but I don’t think is his right to decide on my behalf. (It’s worth mentioning I attended this trip alone several times before DH and I were serious, and other solo friends attend).

AIBU to be annoyed he would prioritise a group trip he can barely afford, get into further debt OR tell me if he can’t go, I can’t go?

Considering you don't have children and he is so casual about debt, separate finances are wise.
Let him choose the ski trip if he wants.
But it does sayva lot about your marriage that he is happy to ditch the trip with you.

In your circumstances I would be focused on savings for yourself and ditch the holiday.

His attitude to money would give me the ick.

It could be that he’s never been shown how to budget and wants to be like you but has no idea how to be. I would download the Financielle app and set up your individual budgets. Then tackle paying his debt (him by himself) if you’re not willing to do it together. Then have joint savings for holidays for the future. He needs help to be shown how to budget and be more like you. Help him and it will help your marriage in the long run.

But there is no way she is responsible for his debts The only way they will be taken into account as part of a division is if she actually benefitted from them. She's still not liable to pay them

It depends. If he can’t afford both holidays because he spends his money on beer/fags/gaming/the horses then you are perfectly reasonable.

Also, I note that you can’t afford to pay for both of you to go skiing in any case.

Could you imagine if the sexes were reversed. You are being very unreasonable

I feel for the op. They pro rata the bills so presumably have the same spends. Op has saved for the holidays, dh hasn’t he’s now saying long haul is a no and ski trip may be off too and if he doesn’t get to go op shouldn’t too.

Would people really be fine with watching their dh treat him self, not budget while she saved and limited her spending and then say don’t worry I’ll cover you too??

Going forward op maybe you would benefit from have a joint saving account specifically for holidays which you both commit to putting into every month before spends.

But you worked hard to save for your holidays you should absolutely go. If you don’t want to do the ski holiday could you go away with a friend so you still get a break?

He can go on all the trips he wants using his credit card. When he realised how unbalanced his marriage is, he can decide to call it quit.

Your savings and pension will be half his, his debts will be half yours. He might even get more than 50% of the assets if he can show he would struggle to house himself and couldn't increase his income....

This is so weird. When I was married, my then dh earned more and largely paid for our holidays. We pooled our money and decided what we could afford to do - together. I cannot fathom not going on holiday in the circumstances you describe!

Why on earth are you married? You are treating your DH as unrelated to you. You should have joint finances - it’s that way legally - but even if you don’t, you should show more respect and care for him.

I don’t know why people find it so weird when couples don’t pool their finances. If you were a woman that was significantly poorer than their husband then the same people would be berating you for not increasing your earning potential. It doesn’t matter why you both choose separate finances, you both do and that’s that. I also don’t see why you should miss out because he isn’t better with money. Can’t he do a part time job on the side? Most of us have to get side hustles (when we didn’t have kids) I would tell him you’re going.
and I would continue to have separate finances as well as he clearly would make your position worse.

Exactly this!
Posters would be losing it if a man was preparing to go on a ski holiday and leaving his lower earning wife at home. He would be accused of financial abuse straight away.

Such a strange, sad-sounding marriage.

I don’t understand the separate finances. We’ve never had the “I can afford, but DH can’t” mentality. It’s all in one place.

But also, no I wouldn’t take a holiday that my husband couldn’t afford to come on! It’s different if he chose not to come, or has work/injury etc. Then I’d go alone and he would encourage me to do so.

Perhaps you've never had a husband that earns more than you but wastes the money he has left after bills whereas you save carefully

You're married yet behave like a single woman. If the skiing trip is an annual affair, and next years is a long standing booking, why would you then arrange a long haul couples trip that you knew your DH would not be able to afford on top of the skiing trip? It's almost like you want him to fail.

It’s not compulsory have holidays, it’s a big luxury.
If he can’t afford it ( or the couples holiday either) why don’t you go somewhere cheaper just the two of you, and not incur more disagreements or debt.

Why marry someone who isn't on the same page as you regarding finances though?

How do you know? I didn't know my ex husband was so bad with money before I married him

... is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings

And you say that you are only marginally better off than him - it seems extravagant to be having a skiing trip followed closely in the spring by a two week long-haul trip when you are both low earners

‘It’s his business’ - you are married, this is bonkers!

YABVU if you go without him! As a couple you should make plans together, little bit lost for words that you think this is normal!

Did you live together first? That usually gives you a good idea of what someone is like, if they can budget for bills, save, pay their share etc.

I think this is why it is important to be open about money with partners and fiances, rather than keeping everything very separate and private as seems to be the current trend. If you keep everything separate & private how can you know what sort of financial literacy your future spouse has?

Although I guess some people, men particularly, do go off the rails if they hit a mid-life crisis & their attitude to finances falls off a cliff.

No we didn't live together first

And he obviously didn't tell me that he was shit with money

You have a very odd understanding of a marriage. Why don't you help him pay for the trip or support him and stay at home. Put your skiing money into next year's long haul trip.

You’re married, why can’t you pay for him? He’s not your child.

Precisely. He's not a child. You pay for your children

And she can't afford to pay for him

Actual wow, do some married couples really live like this???