AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

My husband and I have a long standing group skiing trip with our school friends, every February. This year has been hard financially, particularly for my DH, who is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings. My financial position is slightly better, and I have always prioritised holidays as a use of my disposable income, unlike my DH.

We have no children and have always had separate finances. Obviously we help each other out where we can.

Our ‘plan’ for next year was a 2 week long haul holiday sometime in Spring. We will have no significant plans prior to this due to DHs finances. I have savings to cover my half of this set aside.

Upon discussing the ski trip today, my DH expressed disappointment that he wouldn’t be able to afford to go, although he wanted to try and ‘make it work’ and would consider going into further debt to make it happen. When questioned about the knock on effect to our planned trip, he stated he would rather go on this group trip than our couples holiday. He also stated he would be ‘irritated’ if I went on the ski trip without him, which I was not significantly considering (for financial reasons), but I don’t think is his right to decide on my behalf. (It’s worth mentioning I attended this trip alone several times before DH and I were serious, and other solo friends attend).

AIBU to be annoyed he would prioritise a group trip he can barely afford, get into further debt OR tell me if he can’t go, I can’t go?

Should say cohabiting not childhood !

Sounds like neither of you should be going on holidays and should instead be saving money and clearing debt.

How can you be married and have such separate finances to the point that he can’t “afford” to go with you? If he can’t afford it then as a couple you can’t afford it.

Maybe some marriage counselling or a financial advisor would be a more useful way to spend the holiday money.

Maybe try a joint account for holidays that you both contribute to (proportionally). Then you can make decisions each year about holidays together without resentment.

Crikey as my dear old nana used to say

'Im alright Jack'

Not all married people feel the need to do their finances exactly the same. My Mum and her second husband never even moved in together, let alone merged their finances. It was the situation that worked best for both of them.

Obviously if you have kids together then there should always be a degree of merged finances, as one parent is always likely to take a financial hit due to the kids (in most cases the mother), but if no kids, then why should merging your money have to be the default?

When we got married it all just became our money. I can't imagine a group holiday where we wouldn't decide whether we can afford it as a couple rather than as individuals. It sounds as though you disapprove of his spending choices and he doesn't prioritise quality time together, I wonder if the separate finances are a symptom or a cause of wider problems in your relationship?

🤣 as a matter of fact, DH & I have separate finances. We don't even have a joint current/ bills account. We are always very open when money is concerned. We both know our income, outgoings, cost of hobbies and so on. DC are always fed, watered & clothed. Granted, we don't have a mortgage and the other bills are split fairly. We do have a joint savings account for unexpected expenses & holidays that we both contribute to proportionally.

We have this system, because DH is dreadful with money and I am more cautious. He'd definitely raid a joint account and would happily spend it all on takeaways and unnecessary stuff the kids & wider family ask for... but for some reason he respects the savings. (He is very generous, me, not so!)

Because that's what marriage is? If you get divorced or one of you dies, you discover that things count as shared. It's a legal contract that means finances are shared.

If you don't want that then why bother getting married in the first place?
For the party?

Even odder to bother in your mum's case?

If he is not good with money and has not saved then I would be a bit miffed but if this trip has been planned for a while and that is his favoured trip then I do not think you can insist he spend his limited money on doing the long haul as well as the ski trip. If you are not prepared to help him why not suggest you postpone the long haul trip and help him make a plan to save for it even if it means giving you money to set aside each month. Personally I think this is a strange way of sorting finances.

We each put 75% of our income into various joint accounts; day to day expenses, holidays, bigger house/garden expenses and general savings. The remaining 25% is our own.

Could you set up a joint 'holiday' account going forward?

In my Mum's case, they married because they loved each other and wanted to be husband and wife. They wanted the big party, they wanted the commitment, they wanted the anniversaries and all the other stuff that goes along with being married like him having a say in her care when she was dying.

They just didn't want to share a home or their money, and they wanted their stuff to go to their own kids when one of them died.

And yes, I'm aware that technically they merged finances when they married, but they didn't in actuality, and that her husband could have made life difficult for me and my step brother when my Mum died, but he didn't, because he'd made the deal and stuck to it.

Sometimes people do things differently, and it's not necessarily wrong just because it's not the norm.

No it's not what marriage is. Divorce looks at a 50/50 division of marital assets as a starting point, but that doesn't mean that's what marriage is, there is far more nuance to it than that. You control your own finances in a marriage and need to negotiate a set up that works for both of you. With a few caveats, you can do what you like with your property while you're married and you can leave your property to whomever like in your will. You can't leave your spouse destitute, but you aren't obliged to make everything available to them. You certainly aren't obliged to make more available to them because they choose to spend their money on other things rather than save for something or choose to pursue a lower paying career/work less hours/etc., for their own sake.

Then IMO you don't go on the Holiday until you can together afford for both of you to go. Or go on a less expensive shorter holiday that you both can afford.

You have got to admit that is very odd, being married and not living together. And very rare.

I also think being married and having completely separate finances is odd, and if you have one earning more than the other, I don't think it's much of a marriage. That is just my opinion though.

You sound like house mates. Like students, splitting bills etc. You're not describing a joined unit. We pool our money. I earn more per day but less in total as part time but have the common brain load of mum/wife on top. It's not seen as the lesser contribution. We'd both go or we'd not be going.

I can't even imagine this scenario

At times I have been the higher earner, at others it's been DH. It didn't matter who was the higher earner. Holidays and other household expenses came out of the joint household income. Either "we" could afford a holiday or "we" could not.

You sound more like housemates than a married couple.

He's being shitty? He's being honest that he can't afford two holidays and she wants both holidays and doesn't give a damn whether he goes on either holiday which I find odd! Surely in a good relationship a couple would sack off the skiing holiday for a year and do the long haul holiday together! I bet you wouldn't be happy if your partner started going on holidays without you!

This sounds horribly transactional! Its hard to believe you operate as a couple with such a rigid division of financial resources

Can imagine a SAHM being told she can't afford a holiday as she doesn't work.
YABU OP.

Ohhhh if the tables were turned.....

I would get no pleasure from going on a holiday without my husband if I knew he wanted to be there too. I think maybe we have different ideas about what a marriage actually is.

Why can’t he take on extra work. His not rushing home to mind the children. How much money and time does he spend on his hobby.
He can download an app to deliver food or packages on the weekend through November or December. He has the opportunity. He can easily make enough to cover the holiday.
Sometimes you have to work a bit harder or spend more cautiously when you are not a high earner.

How weird and transactional. I couldn’t live like this.

I think it’s a sad state of affairs if you’re married and not spending your holidays together because one of you can’t afford to go. Do you remember that bit in your vows about for richer or poorer? All that I have I share with you? There’s no way on earth I’d leave my husband behind. Either we both go or neither of us go.

At this point, you might as well just be housemates who have sex.

He is BU saying he would be irritated if you went without him. Fine to say sad, but irritated? He had plenty of time to save up for it. I think he's more annoyed with himself and is projecting tbh.

He is BU to have not saved enough money to go in the holiday that you both planned together. Unless life events got in the way other than just frittering away his money on meaningless things.

If saving is not his strong point, he perhaps should have asked you to help him make a plan as this is clearly your strength.

He is BU trying to dictate to you what you should do when you've saved enough to do everything.

He is not BU to want to go on the group holiday rather than the couples holiday. Group holidays are lots of fun and skiing is exhilarating (I assume) so v different from a low key 2 weeks in the sun looking around whitewashed towns. It's not necessarily a relection of whether he would prefer to spend time with you, they are two different experiences altogether. And he's allowed to have a preference.

All the people on here who are being judgemental about you guys having separate finances are BU. Everyone does everthing differently. This is what you guys have chosen. It would be different if you had kids. There's plusses and minuses to every financial arrangement, unless there's infinite money. I'm sure the same people would be saying to have sperate finances if this was a post about you and your partner having very different attitudes towards money.

You are BU not to go away in another holiday on your own or with a friend. There's loads of really lovely things you can do as a solo traveller and you egt to do exactly what you want, when you want.