AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

My husband and I have a long standing group skiing trip with our school friends, every February. This year has been hard financially, particularly for my DH, who is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings. My financial position is slightly better, and I have always prioritised holidays as a use of my disposable income, unlike my DH.

We have no children and have always had separate finances. Obviously we help each other out where we can.

Our ‘plan’ for next year was a 2 week long haul holiday sometime in Spring. We will have no significant plans prior to this due to DHs finances. I have savings to cover my half of this set aside.

Upon discussing the ski trip today, my DH expressed disappointment that he wouldn’t be able to afford to go, although he wanted to try and ‘make it work’ and would consider going into further debt to make it happen. When questioned about the knock on effect to our planned trip, he stated he would rather go on this group trip than our couples holiday. He also stated he would be ‘irritated’ if I went on the ski trip without him, which I was not significantly considering (for financial reasons), but I don’t think is his right to decide on my behalf. (It’s worth mentioning I attended this trip alone several times before DH and I were serious, and other solo friends attend).

AIBU to be annoyed he would prioritise a group trip he can barely afford, get into further debt OR tell me if he can’t go, I can’t go?

Are you sure you are married?

Neither of you can afford it IMO, if it will leave one of you in debt and the other with very little if any spare cash.

Skiing holidays are an expensive luxury.

No evidence of the DH wasting his leisure money though, is there?

DH, who is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings.

And:

I have always prioritised holidays as a use of my disposable income, unlike my DH.

Maybe he’s previously spent disposable income on other things, such as hobbies or going out, but it sounds like he’s skint just now through circumstances - This year has been hard financially, particularly for my DH.

Isn’t the whole point of marriage helping one another out when things are tough?

In my marriage what we have is shared. We have both been skint and we have both been better off. There is no 'mine and his', when it comes to money, it's 'ours'.

I don't understand. Is this a marriage of convenience?

^^ this. What do you do if you have a large un expected bill? Eg washing machine, car, roof?

You and your husband should have chosen different spouses.

There is obviously a financial disparity here that makes this separate finance a bullshit agreement. The resentment on both sides will eventually end the marriage.
Crikey ☹️.

Doesn’t matter if they’re married. If they divorce all assets and debts are pooled and the courts will rule on it

If you were getting a taxi home and he hadn’t got the money, would you pay for it but make him run behind it?

Sounds like you're friends with benefits tbh.

This is not how marriage works. And if for whatever reason you can't get on the same page financially then manage your expectations that you're just partner sharing a house or move on, one going ok vacation while the tower can't afford it and willing to go into debt so he cjs also go on vacation is ridiculous. And when you get to the ski trip alone while the others are couples what do you say? He's busy or he can't afford it...

Unless there's some backstory about how he is a useless abusing idiot I don't see how anh of this makes any sense.

The positive in all this is there are no kids in the mix.

I don't think you're being unreasonable about the finances. He chooses to spend his money on what he wants, hasn't had enough set aside for whatever difficulties he's had this year because of how he's spent in the past and now doesn't have enough for two holidays because of those other priorities. That's his prerogative.

But YABU about being upset at him expressing what he likes. Him wanting the ski holiday which is with you over a couples only holiday is also his prerogative and not some sort of slight on you. He hasn't told you you can't go he's told you he'd be annoyed if you went and he didn't - since it's obviously his preferred holiday that's surely tied up with him feeling pushed into doing the holiday you prefer with you while you go off on the holiday he'd prefer without him?

As I said this is not how marriage works, you're just partners living together.

Irrespective if that's his your finances work then that's what it is and you're free to dke whatever you want so if you want to go on the ski trip go for it, he can suck it up and make sure he is better financially prepared the following year.

But this is now he a couple wor together and build together.

And frankly I couldn't be in a relationship with a man like this, so shit with his finances and he is willing to go into debt to make sure he keeps up appearances at a ski trip with friends.

Won't the ski trip cost you more if he doesn't come because you'll have to cover the full room cost?

Well skiing is skiing so it’s not comparable is it.

YABU for this strange split of finances.

That’s fair enough. He has plenty of time to save, he’ll easily pick up part time packing work over Christmas or deliveries in the evening. If he really wants to go he’ll have to put his working skates on. He has no reason not too, he’s not rushing home to help. I changed my mind. Yanbu.

The natural conclusion of your bizarre financial arrangements would be that you go on holiday while he stays at home.
For this very reason (and lots more reasons too) most married couples pool their resources. It's almost as though marriage is a partnership.

When a horrible way to treat him. Who is he in debt too? How would you feel if it was him who was the higher earner. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You support each other when times are tough. But there you are with plenty of money in your bank account looking down your nose at your husband. YABU no I wouldn’t go on holiday and leave him behind.