AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

My husband and I have a long standing group skiing trip with our school friends, every February. This year has been hard financially, particularly for my DH, who is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings. My financial position is slightly better, and I have always prioritised holidays as a use of my disposable income, unlike my DH.

We have no children and have always had separate finances. Obviously we help each other out where we can.

Our ‘plan’ for next year was a 2 week long haul holiday sometime in Spring. We will have no significant plans prior to this due to DHs finances. I have savings to cover my half of this set aside.

Upon discussing the ski trip today, my DH expressed disappointment that he wouldn’t be able to afford to go, although he wanted to try and ‘make it work’ and would consider going into further debt to make it happen. When questioned about the knock on effect to our planned trip, he stated he would rather go on this group trip than our couples holiday. He also stated he would be ‘irritated’ if I went on the ski trip without him, which I was not significantly considering (for financial reasons), but I don’t think is his right to decide on my behalf. (It’s worth mentioning I attended this trip alone several times before DH and I were serious, and other solo friends attend).

AIBU to be annoyed he would prioritise a group trip he can barely afford, get into further debt OR tell me if he can’t go, I can’t go?

For all those saying “completely pool finances” this only works if both parties spend in the same way. If one person fritters money away while the other would rather save for big things (like holidays) then all pooling money does is ensure the spender has even more money to fritter away and the saver gets nothing. If both are spenders then it works out, if they are both savers, then the only argument can come on what to spend the pot on. But one spender and one saver, recipe for disaster, do not pool finances.

Your marriage won’t last. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s true.

Where are you getting it from that he’s spending his money recklessly, you’re just making things up to suit your narrative.

This is just so alien to me. You are acting like your DH is just a random friend rather than your husband. I couldn’t contemplate going on holiday without my DH. We are a partnership.

You are awful.

This doesn't sound in any way like a healthy loving partnership let alone a marriage.

This post has made me so sad. What is the point of being in a committed relationship if you can’t be kind to each other.

YABU if you expect him to pay for the 2 week couples holiday and miss out on the ski trip when his preference would be to go on the ski trip. It sounds you’re not in the financial position to afford the ‘couples holiday’ this year. Put it on hold, enjoy the ski trip together and plan a long haul trip for when both your finances are better.

I think he's right, if you can't afford to both go then you don't go. Can't you put the longhaul trip off a bit to later in the year. Sounds like you are living a life you can't both afford, and I think this is unfair . As a married couple you should be more of a team.

Monthly expenses should e split based on income in a marriage. I couldn’t live like this. DH earns more than me, I earn very little, we share everything. It is family money.

“ThisMachineWillNotCommunicate · Today 22:06
YABU if you expect him to pay for the 2 week couples holiday and miss out on the ski trip when his preference would be to go on the ski trip. It sounds you’re not in the financial position to afford the ‘couples holiday’ this year. Put it on hold, enjoy the ski trip together and plan a long haul trip for when both your finances are better.”

This.

You make it sound like he's a friend or someone you've just started dating. If he could afford to go with the group and you couldn't, would you be happy for him to go without you? It's a strange arrangement.

This is exactly what I came here to say too!

It sounds as though both are fairly low earners with little disposable cash. OP is choosing to save hers for holidays and he’s pissing his up the wall on whatever he chooses instead of saving for the holidays which is his choice however the OP can’t then be expected to pay for his holidays too!!
It sounds as though financially you are incompatible. Maybe in future when the money goes away for bills, holidays should be included in that every month so you are both contributing to holiday savings at the same time if that’s what important to you both.
Right here right now you need to decide together which holiday you can afford to go on, personally I’d do the skiing trip with friends and then start saving together for the long haul trip for the following year.

Not true if the debt is solely in his name.

You both go skiing or no one goes skiing. You are married ffs.

There was another post on here a while back about should a wife subsidise her husbands over spending on hobbies and the overall consensus was no!! But on this post everyone is piling on that she should pay for his holiday!! How is this any different??

Are you married or just friends/lodgers? If you are married YABU - it sounds as though you don’t care for your husband at all.

It doesn’t sound like you can afford the holiday either if you couldn’t afford to pay his share. Why not get a joint savings account for holidays?

Dh and I lots do of trips, some together and some apart. We have separate finances. I can’t fathom going on a trip (longstanding) with joint friends without him because he can’t afford it and I can. I’d be embarrassed explaining that to our group of friends.

In this case I would compromise on the long haul, do the ski trip together and maybe a city break/ shorter trip as a couple.

If you read all of my post. I said if he's spending on various things then it's not fair him complaining. But my whole second paragraph said if he lives hand to mouth that's very different and she could help him out.

While the OP hasn’t said he’s spending it recklessly she says they pay proportionate to their joint finances bills etc so if he has no money left to save and he’s in debt he’s either crap with money or has so little left over after his portion of the bills that they need to arrange cheaper holidays if he can’t afford to pay his portion.

What a strange set up for a “marriage”. You sound terribly selfish and tight too. What a catch.

I would - and have - gone on holiday without my partner when he couldn’t afford it and would be happy for him to do the same. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean we need to do everything together and I’d hate being with someone who thought that if they couldn’t afford to do something, I shouldn’t do it either. We don’t share finances apart from splitting outgoings.

I find it odd that he prefers to go on a group holiday than one solely with you. Where’s the closeness in your marriage?

For the record I wouldn’t suggest going without him as that seems mean however going forward you need to sort out some joint savings for holidays.