AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

[Theendisinsight88]

Another day another argument with DH

To put into context, coming to the end of school holidays, it's been hard. DC are 5 and 10. I've done the bulk of childcare or sorted out clubs, babysitting etc and a combination of wfh where possible etc. But its been a long few weeks. Dh has done 1 day at home so I coukd go into the office and even then complained it's been hard

Today's argument started because I was Wfh but had to drop eldest dc off at an activity between calls. Did a quick lunch kids too plates out, but I didn't notice some crumbs were on a chair that they didn't tidy up. Got back and had to rush on a call, so dh came home and threw a strop that there were crumbs there. Asked why I didn't get the kids to tidy up properly before we went out. Explained they took plates and bowls out but that's not good enough

Later on dh was partially napping on the sofa, but was awake as he'd asked me the time 3 times. So knew he was awake. I then dropped something which made a noise while tidying up and he had a go at me for making noise while he napped

Then moaned at me because this morning because I forgot to tell him I was having a shower this morning (I often shower at night) and then he moaned about the wasted effort he had just done on cleaning the shower ( wiping the screen down)

I am probably over thinking this as it's been a long few weeks, my job is demanding and I've not had 2 seconds to myself in 5 weeks (dh been away/out most weekends as well) and I'm exhausted but the constant moaning is killing me

He sounds like a controlling asshole. Does he have any good points??

I would have seriously lost my shit with him over the crumbs comment. He doesn't get to leave all the childcare to you and then criticise! Twat.

Why does he leave you all on weekends?
Have you told him to parent his kids and you won't hear one more whinge out of him?
I don't see the point of him.

If he had to do even half the shit you do… Honestly. Can’t even clean a few crumbs!

Why the hell is childcare and crumb management your job and why is a grown man of working age, without a newborn or presumably a night job, having a nap in the middle of a weekday?! Plus he’s constantly away, moody and apparently a control freak.

I’d be seriously questioning why I was with him and what he brought to the relationship.

He is being completely unreasonable and ridiculous. There is no way you need to justify anything around the examples you’ve given. With the crumbs, why didn’t he just tidy up and not say anything??

I’d ask if this is out of the ordinary, but I suspect it’s not. If you both work, you should both share the household/childcare responsibilities.

Who does he think.he is?

Is sweeping up a few crumbs beneath him? He would have caught several sharp words from me over that!

So you're juggling working and childcare all day and he's complaining about crumbs??

Shouldn't really be working from home with a 5 year old at home all day. Arranged childcare. Pre covid you'd be at the office five days a week, and you'd have to pay for it.

None of these arguments would have existed, pre covid and working from home.You wouldn't have two parents at home.Working squabbling over who's doing what for the kids. You'd all be at the office and you'd have to pay for child care.

If my DH complained to me that the kids had left crumbs on a chair I'd think he'd lost the plot.

Apparently it's such an issue because he has mentioned it before but I have also said before I am usually running between calls I don't always notice snd sometimes I go round after I finish and tidy up

I'm also trying do various loads of washing during the day, keep the kids alive but all of that is looked over. I app also do a bad job at all the jobs I do as sometimes the washing pile is higher than it should be or he runs lows on socks and the dishwasher comes out not 100% clean

Should add during term times all the school runs usually fall to me

He works early shifts 630 - 130 but gets up at 545 to get to work, I get up the same time to go for a run and then start the housework

Oh and last night it was an argument as he saw me brushing youngests teeth...and apparently a 5 year is full capable of doing it all himself

Tomorrow go out for the day. Alone. Maybe even for a night. Leave him to it and then come in, moan about crumbs. Have a nap.

Nothing about what he's said pushes him to being controlling...

But...
You really do need to look him square in in the eye and tell him to give it a rest, have a day off, no raised voice, walk away and carry on doing what you need to do.

He's probably on auto pilot and that's become his norm, needs a darn good finger shake in his face.
Sleeping in communal areas when children or other members of the family are around is a no, send him upstairs where there's a perfectly good bed to sleep on and door to close.

As for the weekends, if he's not going to be of help i'd prefer that he wasn't home, but that's just me.

and apparently a 5 year is full capable of doing it all himself

Yet he can't hold his thoughts in and clear up a few crumbs...

Again, he sounds like a controlling asshole. I’d be having sharp words with someone who expected me to be the household skivvy and for kids to fend for themselves. What would happen if you set him straight, clearly?

Tbh, I'd be full on confrontational about this. A strong offence is the best defence and all.

All of the things you have mentioned are extremely petty and it would have gone past the point of an adult conversation.

You might bot see it OP, but this is veering I to emotional abuse. He'll have you being a nervous wreck about crumbs or noise or whatever. Stand up for yourself or seek help before you become a shell of yourself.

He expects you to be the household skivvy and thinks he's in charge.

However you do it, you need to make it really clear that this is not acceptable.

You are not powerless here, but you need to start with the very basic assumptions that this totally unfair setup is built on and knock them down.

You both work. He should be doing half the chores.

It really is that simple.

You surely don’t have to continue living like this?

Off topic but your poor 5 year old, moping around the house with no stimulating childcare while you work from home. Awful.

Good grief, he’s the crumb police and a complete arsehole.

Do you earn more than him OP? He sounds resentful.

He says he does all the work as he has to go back and re do what i do. By this he means I got thr kids to take plates out but not the crumbs. Or i'll unload the dishwasher and maybe leave a bottle on the side while I am doing something else and moan he had to put it away when I was coming back for it

He has a massive issue with my job. I work 9-5 ish, during the holidays have been on a bit earlier as I know I dip in and out if the kids are home (wanting snacks every 30 seconds 🤣) apparently I am brain washed by logging on early to get stuff done when my boss is being ultra flexible about me wfh while it's school hols. Also if I dare to be 5 minutes late logging off (again cos of the above) it's a disaster and I am prioritising work over him and kids

It's draining

Come on, be frank with us- he's got a golden cock hasn't he?

Perhaps you’re happy with the set up, perhaps you believe you deserve to be treated this way. But don’t for one moment think this is a pleasant environment for children.

I worked outside of the home but did plenty in it. If I’d have said any of the things your husband said to you, I’d have my derrière handed to me. Except I wouldn’t because I respect him, and TBH was grateful.

I can't see any positives to him as a husband. This sounds so draining. Do you ever tell him how awful he sounds nagging and moaning all of the time?

He says he does all the work as he has to go back and re do what i do

Might as well just have him do it in the first place then, eh?

Am I right in thinking you work more hours than him? Does he earn more and that's why he's thinking he's in charge?

We get it, he's a cock.

What are you going to change about your life?