AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

[Theendisinsight88]

Another day another argument with DH

To put into context, coming to the end of school holidays, it's been hard. DC are 5 and 10. I've done the bulk of childcare or sorted out clubs, babysitting etc and a combination of wfh where possible etc. But its been a long few weeks. Dh has done 1 day at home so I coukd go into the office and even then complained it's been hard

Today's argument started because I was Wfh but had to drop eldest dc off at an activity between calls. Did a quick lunch kids too plates out, but I didn't notice some crumbs were on a chair that they didn't tidy up. Got back and had to rush on a call, so dh came home and threw a strop that there were crumbs there. Asked why I didn't get the kids to tidy up properly before we went out. Explained they took plates and bowls out but that's not good enough

Later on dh was partially napping on the sofa, but was awake as he'd asked me the time 3 times. So knew he was awake. I then dropped something which made a noise while tidying up and he had a go at me for making noise while he napped

Then moaned at me because this morning because I forgot to tell him I was having a shower this morning (I often shower at night) and then he moaned about the wasted effort he had just done on cleaning the shower ( wiping the screen down)

I am probably over thinking this as it's been a long few weeks, my job is demanding and I've not had 2 seconds to myself in 5 weeks (dh been away/out most weekends as well) and I'm exhausted but the constant moaning is killing me

You would be better off without him. He's dragging you down and undermining you.

He's jealous. Of a job. That funds 50% of his lifestyle!

Oh fk that for a lark OP.
I would he sent into a burning rage at the absolute gaul of this cheeky fucker. What you allow, will continue. Get him told.

Your husband has no idea how fortunate you all are that your job is willing to be flexible about wfh with the children there. Many jobs would not allow this - so he should understand that and do his bit to help.
I agree he should be doing laundry- and loads of other household tasks - these things aren’t your job alone. It is hard to see what he adds to your life - or your children’s. He could do all sorts with them in the afternoons and I actually think it’s rather sad that this has not occurred to him. Park / cinema/ bowling/ bike rides/ visit grandparents maybe?
Still looking for any redeeming features he might have- are there any?

Why on earth isn't he putting the washing on if he's running out of socks? He sounds dreadful 😔

Divorce.

If he feels he has to re do your work, stop doing it. Let mr perfect crack on

He sounds utterly awful and selfish and you need to take a step back and understand wtf is going on. If your dh could afford trips away every weekend that means there is money available for holiday club so you aren’t running yourself ragged trying to work and do full time childcare. You are not a team so you aren’t prioritising what helps the team win - he prioritises himself and you are desperately trying to make up for that and it isn’t possible. I personally couldn’t live like this and would be telling him to shut up or fuck off if he started moaning at me but only you know if that is safe to do in your home.

I'm much older than you but I had one like this. Nothing was ever good enough and I tied myself in knots until I collapsed. He still did nothing. In fact he was really cheery when he left me and the baby in tears.

If what you are doing isn't good enough don't do it. Let him do it all.

Or leave him.

You need a little holiday OP. As he’s an expert leave him with the kids and have a break!

This isn't about him moaning or not putting a wash on.

This is a man who is a bitter, misogynistic bully and believes that his needs and wants should be OPs priority. He hates her job because her hard work gets in the way of that. He also also hates it because she will be getting positive affirmation/feedback/satisfaction from it, which works against his targeted erosion of her confidence. He might not even realise it and those explicit terms and would probably be mock outraged if OP said it to him, but I've met this exact sort of man twice, and it is all about keeping OP in her place.

OP - you have to look at the bigger picture of how you are being treated and start to understand what is going on beneath the surface in order to make the big decisions you need to make.

Absolutely this.

@Theendisinsight88 you're killing yourself wfh and juggling the kids. that's not fair on you or them. Put them in holiday clubs, and plan to leave this awful man. This is your children's childhoods.

He’s not ‘moaning’ he’s controlling and abusive. It’s not normal to have to think about whether you have left a bottle on a kitchen bench in your own home.

Your children are growing up in an awful atmosphere.

It doesn’t sound like he brings much to the table from a happiness point of view. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses and be a single mum.

@Theendisinsight88 please read this carefully. This relationship cannot be saved because he is fundamentally a misogynist who believes you're less than him. he sees your job as less than. I cannot believe a grown man complaining about not being the centre of attention for his wife when there are small children in the mix, whom he is neglecting.

He should know the rule by now.

You see the (crumbs) , you deal with the (crumbs).

crumbs, shit, vomit, spilled milk, towels on the floor, washing to hang out, washing to bring in, hungry cat, hungry child, full kitchen bin, stuff left at the bottom of the stairs, bikes left on the drive etc etc etc

My husband sometimes moaned about the state of the kitchen when he got back from work and about the kids dropping food on the floor. Looking back it was totally unreasonable and it was like walking on eggshells. I often thought about leaving so I understand your pain. My husband had several meltdowns and left work. He is a different person now. So perhaps there is some underlying stress in him?

Everything you've already written makes him seem like a total arsehole but for some reason it's the drink thing that felt like the final straw. How dare he disagree with your choice of drink? Unless you're asking him to fix you a double vodka in the morning, he has no business with this sort of controlling mean behaviour.

To recap:

• your job brings in a similar salary to his but is being constantly treated as less important, hence you are the one juggling work and childcare whilst he doesn't have to;
• he expects you to be able to attend to crumbs and look after the kids whilst you're working but also doesn't want you staying logged on for 5 mins extra (so he expects your boss to give you infinite flexibility and to basically pay you for full time work without having the time to do it);
• he finds it too hard to look after his own kids for a day whilst you go into work and renages on his promises;
• he doesn't want you to have a shower after he's wiped down the shower screen (I mean... what difference does using it 12 hours later make? How exhausting and tough is wiping down a shower screen anyway? Aren't showers bloody well made for showering?)
• he is away loads on weekends, leaving you with all the joy but also all the responsibility of family life alone (where the hell is he going? What's so much more important than his family? It had better be work shifts, not gallivanting off having fun. And when the hell do YOU get free time?);
• and on top of all that... he disagrees with you drinking pepsi max for some weird reason.

It sounds unacceptsble and deeply unfair, and you are bloody well not being unreasonable.

It sounds shit OP, but I think you know that. What do you plan to do?

Please LTB. He brings nothing to your life that is good. He doesn’t like you, let alone respect you, and it doesn’t sound like he likes the children much either. I know it’s easier said than done, but it will be better than him grinding your spirit to dust with his complaining and gaslighting day in day out.

Your husband is a bully.

Yeah call social services

Best advice yet. If his parents are around tip them off that they are NOT to come to the rescue.
Pack a bag, visit a friend, just walk out and leave him to it. The kids will be fine.
What an absolute ass hole.
My first husband was exactly like this. Our marriage ended after I tipped him and the sofa over onto the floor. My biggest regret is I waited so long.
This us not going to end well. It sounds like he has checked out of fatherhood and honest don't waste any more time.

He sounds incredibly self centred and doesn’t pull his weight. He doesn’t like your job because he wants you to be more available to look after him!

God, he's appalling. How dare he? Please think seriously about how life would be without this awful person constantly putting you down.

This!! If you run out of socks you put a wash on!!

He sounds like he’s convinced himself he has it really hard. So you need to spell it out to him that you’ve essentially done all the childcare all summer. And that has a cost - needing to work other hours and other things not being “perfect”.

How can you possibly be “lazy” when you seem to be carrying the can?