AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

[Theendisinsight88]

Another day another argument with DH

To put into context, coming to the end of school holidays, it's been hard. DC are 5 and 10. I've done the bulk of childcare or sorted out clubs, babysitting etc and a combination of wfh where possible etc. But its been a long few weeks. Dh has done 1 day at home so I coukd go into the office and even then complained it's been hard

Today's argument started because I was Wfh but had to drop eldest dc off at an activity between calls. Did a quick lunch kids too plates out, but I didn't notice some crumbs were on a chair that they didn't tidy up. Got back and had to rush on a call, so dh came home and threw a strop that there were crumbs there. Asked why I didn't get the kids to tidy up properly before we went out. Explained they took plates and bowls out but that's not good enough

Later on dh was partially napping on the sofa, but was awake as he'd asked me the time 3 times. So knew he was awake. I then dropped something which made a noise while tidying up and he had a go at me for making noise while he napped

Then moaned at me because this morning because I forgot to tell him I was having a shower this morning (I often shower at night) and then he moaned about the wasted effort he had just done on cleaning the shower ( wiping the screen down)

I am probably over thinking this as it's been a long few weeks, my job is demanding and I've not had 2 seconds to myself in 5 weeks (dh been away/out most weekends as well) and I'm exhausted but the constant moaning is killing me

Your husband is abusive. This endless narrative that you are shit and wrong and bad at everything. It’s rubbish. It has already eroded your sense of self or you wouldn’t be tolerating any of this. What a trooper you are to be carrying the whole show and trying to manage his controlling and difficult demands.

Your children are learning that this is a relationship instead of learning that contempt has no home in friendships and love. This man is meant to be your biggest cheerleader and instead he is seeking to whittle you away until you are an obedient functionary, a Stepford wife who can put her king first.

I hope you have friends and support and can start the process of becoming free. I mean you can do it anyway but start gathering your cheerleaders or making new ones. You are clearly awesome. He really doesn’t deserve you.

Your kids should be in childcare when you’re working. You can’t give proper attention to both work and kids.

Oh and your husband is a miserable controlling lazy arsehole. I don’t really see the point of him tbh.

To be fair, 6.30 to 1.30 is a seven-hour working day, but it's certainly not incompatible with doing other things, including a fair share of child care.

Sorry, have I got this right?:

1. Crumbs
2. You woke him whilst he napped
3. You showered at the wrong time

Is that really it? I mean, obviously, he needs a proper talking to, doesn't he

He sounds like a right dick!

if you tally up all of the things you do (even the things you do “poorly”) how much time are you spending on household/domestic tasks?

I think you need to sit him down and say “you have non-stopped moaned the last 10 weeks you are clearly unhappy so what can we do to fix that? Right now we need both our incomes so that means 40 hours a week I’m at work. I’m also spending 15/20/25 hours on household tasks to your ??? So from my side I’ve got a husband constantly moaning AND I’m doing the lions share of our lives, you’re not happy and I’m feeling taken advantage of. Are we committed to working out a more balanced split and working towards happiness?” And see what he says.

the kids are half his, if neither one of you is willing or able financially to do less hours then he will need to step up. Maybe he will say this one thing would make a huge difference and you could work on that, maybe he won’t and then when he moans you could say “if it’s bothering you darling, go and get the kids and show them how you want it done” while you plan an exit

Having read all your comments, OP, I’m amazed at your level of tolerance for his asshattery. It sounds like that no matter what you do, it isn’t good enough. Has he always been this way or is it something that has come on with children like so many men who want a family as long as it’s their wife who manages everything under the sun?

OP tell him to shut up and stop behaving like your employer or you will find someone who treats you like a person

I'm sorry that you're living with such a tiresome bully...

Please do ask him why HE hasn't taught the five-year-old to clean his teeth,

and also

why HE hasn't tidied up the crumbs that he's obviously seen, that you've missed when you were doing the 200 other things.

This needs to be pushed back, and tell him he is a co-parent and you're not his slave. And WHO made HIM your boss??

I'd find this so utterly draining! I really hope there's a resolution soon.

Also... This too👍👍

This could work... Some experiential learning for him...

DO AS LITTLE AS HE DOES....

I hope posting here has given you some more clarity OP that this man brings only negativity and shit to your life. You deserve a lot better!

Can you imagine how peaceful and joyful your life would be without him in it being a negative and nagging arsehole??

The worst outcome is that your DC observe this behaviour and think that a) it’s something to emulate or b) put up with in a future partner. Get rid of him.

You need to read him the riot act OP. he is completely failing to appreciate the work you’re doing.

What is all the money you’re saving on holiday clubs going on? His weekend escapades?

Consider refusing to WFH over the holidays. It can’t be great for your 5 year old in particular, can it?

Why are you doing almost all the childcare, expected to serve and look after him and his laundry, and then also being subject to his terrible moods and behaviours. Your equal earners and contributors to the household and yet you do almost everything else including babying a grown man. You have a DH problem.

He really is a mean man
You work as many hours as he does and make as much but somehow you're responsible for all the household chores and the child care? I really hope you're not paying 50% on everything while doing 100% of everything else

When was the last time he ever made a real meal or cleaned anything himself?

Poor you! I am part of the 2% that hit the wrong button by mistake. You are NOT being unreasonable at all. His behaviour is terrible.

So you’ve only been to the office once in the holidays and have worked with them distracting you in the background and just let your DH go and sleep instead of caring for them and letting you work. Totally unfair to your employer given there are childcare options out there, and unfair to your children having to entertain themselves as you’re working. Why haven’t you pulled your DH up on him not caring for them in the afternoon? He should be taking them out and letting you get on with work.

No wonder people working at home get a bad reputation. My children are young adults now but I paid for holiday care. Unfair to expect them to entertain themselves (no doubt with screens) and even when dad is home, not bothering to take them out. How dare he complain you’re logging on earlier and later as you’re not doing the same work you’d do in term time, when he is doing nothing to helpZ

You can change it, just hit the correct button and it will change your vote.

@Theendisinsight88 divorce is available. Why on earth do you think this is reasonable?