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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

105 replies

Theendisinsight88 · Yesterday 18:50

Another day another argument with DH

To put into context, coming to the end of school holidays, it's been hard. DC are 5 and 10. I've done the bulk of childcare or sorted out clubs, babysitting etc and a combination of wfh where possible etc. But its been a long few weeks. Dh has done 1 day at home so I coukd go into the office and even then complained it's been hard

Today's argument started because I was Wfh but had to drop eldest dc off at an activity between calls. Did a quick lunch kids too plates out, but I didn't notice some crumbs were on a chair that they didn't tidy up. Got back and had to rush on a call, so dh came home and threw a strop that there were crumbs there. Asked why I didn't get the kids to tidy up properly before we went out. Explained they took plates and bowls out but that's not good enough

Later on dh was partially napping on the sofa, but was awake as he'd asked me the time 3 times. So knew he was awake. I then dropped something which made a noise while tidying up and he had a go at me for making noise while he napped

Then moaned at me because this morning because I forgot to tell him I was having a shower this morning (I often shower at night) and then he moaned about the wasted effort he had just done on cleaning the shower ( wiping the screen down)

I am probably over thinking this as it's been a long few weeks, my job is demanding and I've not had 2 seconds to myself in 5 weeks (dh been away/out most weekends as well) and I'm exhausted but the constant moaning is killing me

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · Yesterday 21:52

Theendisinsight88 · Yesterday 20:11

I agree its not the best set up but we were trying to make it work and for the most parts from my side it has. It's been chaotic and there are days where I have needed to work early/late due to distractionso in the day but overall it's been ok.

The house isn't as tidy as it could be but it never is and it's not for lack of trying on my part but where as i can get by with a slightly larger wash pile than i would like, he obviously can't

When we were arguing earlier he made a comment about how fed he was, i muttered so was i and he asked what i had to be fed up about when I'm lazy and get away it and all i care about is my job

This is at least the 4th thread I’ve read about someone’s shit husband. You deserve better than this! He can pull his finger out and get some jobs done, or get a cleaner. Why is everything your responsibility? Why are you with this man? He’s hardly a good husband or father. Get out OP. Life is far far far too short

AuraBora · Yesterday 21:56

WeddingDressguest · Yesterday 19:03

Shouldn't really be working from home with a 5 year old at home all day. Arranged childcare. Pre covid you'd be at the office five days a week, and you'd have to pay for it.

None of these arguments would have existed, pre covid and working from home.You wouldn't have two parents at home.Working squabbling over who's doing what for the kids. You'd all be at the office and you'd have to pay for child care.

The most unhelpful post ever!

Theendisinsight88 · Yesterday 21:56

He has issues with my job, as me tioned before he thinks I prioritise my job over him and the kids. I enjoy my job but the kids and him always come first and I work hard to be able tonprovide and contribute so we can have and do nice things etc

There is some travel involved in my role and he will always maks it difficult if I need to travel which means I have had some difficult conversations at work

I do think there is a centre of attention thing.

At dinner he has stopped making me a drink as he doesn't agree with my choice of drink (pepsi max) but if i don't make him a drink when i get up in the morning so he can take some tablets i don't hear the end of it

OP posts:
Gowlett · Yesterday 22:00

We all have to make sacrifices for our work, bet he’d complain if you weren’t working! Out of interest, do you have a better job than him?

Gowlett · Yesterday 22:04

Sorry, you answered that earlier!

SUPerSaver721 · Yesterday 22:04

Are you someone who would rather have a shit husband than no husband at all? I havnt heard one positive thing that youve said about him. I would rather live alone with my children than put up with him. Hes an arsehole and I bet you and your 2 children would live a very happy life if he wasnt living in the same house.

Fiftyandme · Yesterday 22:05

He’s controlling.

LilyBunch25 · Yesterday 22:08

You are not overthinking this. He's an overgrown child. Tell him to stop whingeing.

likeafishneedsabike · Yesterday 22:15

Gengha · Yesterday 20:41

Also stop doing his laundry. I have never done my husbands laundry and now my kids are grown I don’t do theirs either any more. I’m fucked if I was put on this earth to wash a grown man’s pants!!

This is the hill I have decided to die on too. Why the fuck is it OP’s problem that her man has no clean socks? He can wash them or buy more. Not her problem: she has a job and equal financial responsibility.

CamillaMcCauley · Yesterday 22:21

@Theendisinsight88 Do you think/see that your husband is extremely controlling?

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · Yesterday 22:49

Why has DH been away weekends, and why didn't he get the DCs some lunch? It's beyond cheeky for him to complain about crumbs when he hasn't lifted a finger.

JesseDavisGonnaHangOnInThereNSoul · Yesterday 22:50

Fuck all of it
You're a person not a machine.
He's a gradeA prick.

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · Yesterday 22:53

Theendisinsight88 · Yesterday 20:11

I agree its not the best set up but we were trying to make it work and for the most parts from my side it has. It's been chaotic and there are days where I have needed to work early/late due to distractionso in the day but overall it's been ok.

The house isn't as tidy as it could be but it never is and it's not for lack of trying on my part but where as i can get by with a slightly larger wash pile than i would like, he obviously can't

When we were arguing earlier he made a comment about how fed he was, i muttered so was i and he asked what i had to be fed up about when I'm lazy and get away it and all i care about is my job

What does he do about the wash pile? Does he do anything to reduce it, or does he expect you to do it all, and then complain when he can't find his socks?
You have an extra, overgrown child here.

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · Yesterday 22:55

AuraBora · Yesterday 21:56

The most unhelpful post ever!

Agree, very unhelpful. Completely missing the point. Plus the arguments would still be there because OP would be expected to still do everything, even if DH gets home at 2pm and she gets home at 6pm.

Vulturesoverhead · Yesterday 23:40

Wow. What is he bringing to the table, well apart from modelling how to be a total cunt to your kids? Really, I’m not joking.

MageKing · Yesterday 23:46

You are so used to this you cant even begin to see how bad it is. He is an awful, controlling man. And lazy to boot.

Keep.posting. hopefully the mn shivering will help.you see it.

Peakyblinder18 · Yesterday 23:58

@Theendisinsight88 I am seriously hyperventilating reading this.
You must realise he's bad for you.
You know it.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · Today 00:00

I couldn’t live like this. In fact I decided not to and divorced the twat. Happiest I’ve ever been since I left my moaning XH and he had to actually cook, clean and occasionally look after his own children all by himself. Meanwhile I had nights off so that I could go out with friends, date other more exciting and interesting men and eventually meet someone who insists I put my feet up while he does the washing up, ironing etc.

Life is too short to spend it with an insufferable prick. Give him one chance to shut the fuck up about crumbs and step up as a husband or father. Then when he inevitably fails, kick his arse out and get proper childcare sorted so that he can’t continue to jeopardise your career.

It sounds like you have an understanding manager so maybe you can schedule future work trips for the days your DCs stay with their dad. Just don’t tell him because he sounds the type to fuck you about over it if he knows you’re having a life without him.

Mmhmmn · Today 00:04

Tell him his constant moaning is doing your head in. Moan moan moan. Sick of it etc. He prob doesn’t realise how much of it he’s doing. Communication is key. Moaning about crumbs with small kids though - sounds hard work and high expectations!

Amybelle88 · Today 00:07

You are not overthinking it.

He wants to be told when you are showering. Say that back yourself.

He’s horrendous. I’m not a big fan of the LTB shouts but honestly, you need an exit strategy.

Imisscoffee2021 · Today 00:20

Just here to say he sounds a controlling pig headed arsehole, he's not master of the universe and your partner is meant to lift you up not drag you down.

PurpleInGaloshes · Today 00:23

Manchild was my first thought. I would make plans to leave him - he doesn’t add any value to your life at all.

BoycottNestle · Today 00:24

What an absolute drainer he is.

Mancity08 · Today 00:25

what exactly does HE do apart from work just like you also do ??

why are you running the house by yourself?
instead if him criticising you for what you havnt moved or done , if he can do it better he should do it . I would not be looking after 2 kids, wfh, cooking,washing,cleaning whilst he naps !
WTF , you need to share jobs

Your making a rod for your own back - his skivvy
it’s the 21st century it’s 50/50 housework /kids

Comtesse · Today 00:36

likeafishneedsabike · Yesterday 22:15

This is the hill I have decided to die on too. Why the fuck is it OP’s problem that her man has no clean socks? He can wash them or buy more. Not her problem: she has a job and equal financial responsibility.

Awww poor old Victor Meldrew hasn’t got any clean socks. Too bad Victor, wash them yourself!
And I would start calling him Victor every time I spoke to him.