AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

[Theendisinsight88]

Another day another argument with DH

To put into context, coming to the end of school holidays, it's been hard. DC are 5 and 10. I've done the bulk of childcare or sorted out clubs, babysitting etc and a combination of wfh where possible etc. But its been a long few weeks. Dh has done 1 day at home so I coukd go into the office and even then complained it's been hard

Today's argument started because I was Wfh but had to drop eldest dc off at an activity between calls. Did a quick lunch kids too plates out, but I didn't notice some crumbs were on a chair that they didn't tidy up. Got back and had to rush on a call, so dh came home and threw a strop that there were crumbs there. Asked why I didn't get the kids to tidy up properly before we went out. Explained they took plates and bowls out but that's not good enough

Later on dh was partially napping on the sofa, but was awake as he'd asked me the time 3 times. So knew he was awake. I then dropped something which made a noise while tidying up and he had a go at me for making noise while he napped

Then moaned at me because this morning because I forgot to tell him I was having a shower this morning (I often shower at night) and then he moaned about the wasted effort he had just done on cleaning the shower ( wiping the screen down)

I am probably over thinking this as it's been a long few weeks, my job is demanding and I've not had 2 seconds to myself in 5 weeks (dh been away/out most weekends as well) and I'm exhausted but the constant moaning is killing me

This is awfully sad to read OP. You seem very loving and attentive to your family and nothing you do will ever been good enough for him, that's on him not you.

Has he always been like this?

It doesn't sound like he contributes anything good or useful to your life and you'd have a much happier life if you were separated and not walking on eggshells all the time.

Get angry op. You need to have a conversation with this horrible man. Tell him how awful he is, how unhappy you are and how you’re rethinking this relationship. Suggest some counselling.

He moans about crumbs.
He moans about doing basic housework.
He wants to know when you shower.
He makes it difficult for you to work away.
He hates that you work at all.
He has no interest in your children.
He disappears on evenings and weekends.
He moans that you haven’t washed enough clothes for him.
He doesn’t agree with your choice of drink so won’t bring you it (WTAF)

What exactly does he bring to the table? Apart from making you feel like shit? I bet there are more examples of his behaviour that all point to him being abusive/controlling.

Sorry he’s a fucking arsehole. You’d have a quieter, easier life without this leech.

Leave. The. Bastard.

Write a list of everything you do, set boundaries and if he can’t change leave.

I disagree, I think it is beholden on all of us, male or female, to enforce the boundaries of how we get treated by people.

Your DH is a lazy moaning arsehole, but your own life would be easier if you could teach your kids to clean up after themselves without reminders and to leave you alone when you are working. You are working to feed them and put a roof over their heads; you can teach them how to help you do this. The side bonus will be that they will learn the importance of considering the needs of other people. The ten year old is old enough to manage a lot by him or herself, and they can help the five year old. It's probably too late for your DH, but you can raise your expectations for your kids.

I don’t have much of a temper because generally my husband isn’t too much of a twat, however at any of that I’d have lost it.

You have the patience of a saint. What an arsehole.

The napping thing really got me - he’s a grown adult not a toddler!

He also shouldnt resent your job given it is providing for your family. Is it that he resents that you enjoy your job (and he doesnt)? He really doesnt sound a loving partner - he sounds unpleasant and bitter

I app also do a bad job at all the jobs I do as sometimes the washing pile is higher than it should be or he runs lows on socks

So the washing can be his responsibility from now on. Tell him it's time he did his share.

If he finishes at 1:30, why isn’t he looking after the kids in the afternoon so you can work??

Bonkers. I think you’d be happier divorced.

You are being abused by him.
Do not think this is normal.
It isn't.
He is a controlling bully and you are being ground down.

He hates you working because that means you are not u der his full control.
You need to seek support.
You need to contact a domestic abuse charity.

It isn't just about bruises.
Can you tell family and friends the truth?
I think your life would be much happier without him in it.

'he has stopped making me a drink as he doesn't agree with my choice of drink'

And there you have the very definition of controlling. Please, OP, get out of there, whatever it takes.

Sorry but he sounds totally draining and a total misery.
You have one life he sounds as though he is making yours harder and miserable.
My DH loves a tidy home, we both work, have 3 kids and pets, he doesn’t walk around moaning about crumbs, he would literally just tidy them away.
I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about what is happening and how unhappy you are.

So he doesn't appreciate the paid work you do to provide 50% of incoming money.

He doesn't even try to help facilitate any work trips you need to do, and in fact, jeopardises your job by being deliberately difficult about them.

He doesn't appreciate or spend time playing with his DC.

He doesn't appreciate the laundry/cleaning/childcare/shopping/cooking you do for him & the DC.

He doesn't help with drop offs/ pick ups or childcare, even when he can, and even if you've previously agreed it with him.

He moans and complains and whines constantly about 'crumbs' or the size of the laundry pile. In fact, he just moans about anything & everything constantly ffs.

Seriously OP, you don't deserve this, and neither do your DC.

You need to make a choice. Either you continue as you are, and both you and the DC remain miserable, or you change your life...

Whether that change is simply stopping doing any & all 'wife' duties for him (laundry/shopping/cooking/ironing/life admin etc) and tell him that as he's so 'unhappy' with the level of service from you, from now on he can do his own, and stick to it, or consult a lawyer about getting a divorce.

Life is short OP, so you need to decide exactly how much of your life you're willing to waste trying to please a man who simply cannot be pleased/happy/content, regardless of what you do?

Why are you still with him? Leave.

OP whatever you do, don't give up your job.
This is what he's pushing you to do. He wants you at home picking up crumbs. And completely financially dependent on him.
If you have even half an idea to leave him (and you should) then do all you can to keep your job. Once you lose your financial independence it becomes much, much harder to leave.

I have just read all your posts and not read any replies by others.

Your life is nearly exactly the same as mine was eventually I ended up at Women’s Aid for support.

Your partner is emotionally abusing you and controlling. It’s an awful situation to be in and because there is no physical violence takes a long time to realise how bad it is.

Please seek some support from your local service.

I lived on eggshells for years running round after the children ensuring the house was a certain way for when he got home, adapting all of us to avoid his comments and moods and it just got worse and worse.

I used to dread his car pulling up, I’d recognise his car engine and my stomach would do flips waiting to see what mood he was in when he walked through the door.

Its really hard but once your see it you can’t not x

i can’t see where you have said why he is out a lot at weekends? Why can he do that but you can’t travel for work?!

He is totally unreasonable and I wouldn’t want my kids seeing this treatment of me. Better off splitting up I reckon.

OP you both work, so why are you doing all of the housework ? If the laundry pile is too high or he’s running out of socks, does him having a penis prevent him from doing something about it himself ? And these are his kids - why does he complain to you about crumbs instead of just cleaning them up ?

What you seem to be saying is that he has afternoons free and you’re wfh, but he still expects you to run around after the kids and deal with the household while he does nothing. The next time he complains about the laundry pile and no socks tell him to do it himself. Ditto when he complains about your standards. If he doesn’t like the way you do things then he should do them himself. Anything else is enabling him in treating you like the hired help. Which is what he’s doing. The only question is, how long are you prepared to live with it.

oh dear your poor poor dh has a terrible infection of lazybastarditis. poor soul. such a dreadful infliction. trouble is that it’s contagious and will spread to your children who will emulate your lives. Is this what you want for them? women running around, boring school holidays and stingy boring lazy dad?

nope. you can do better than his lazy arse. Im guessing he wants you to be a SAHM so he can be waited on hand and foot. That’s why he moans so much. Does he ever say stuff like “You’d have more time if you didn’t work….”

Hell no. First get copies of his p60, pensions, savings, mortgage all if it that you’d need in the event of a divorce. i know you can’t be bothered as youre exhausted but it’s important. do it secretly. hide and keep the info safe.

Write up a list of all you do. Floors, washings, dusting, hoovering, kids lunches, shopping, his morning cuppa etc (what the fuck is wrong with him that he cannot make his own drink, stop that NOW, hes being lazy, a glass of water in the bedside table is all he needs).

Once you have your list speak to him about it all. i forget, do you both work the same hours just at different times? if so child and housework needs halved between you. You have no life. It’s just drudgery.

If he doesn’t want to do his share then tell him you will leave and then he will be making his own morning cuppa, doimg his own washings hoovering and dusting, doimg his own shopping and packed lunches, and 50% of the time custody of the kids and all their stuff… So he WILL end up doing all this stuff anyway, in a poky flat.

That may sharpen his mind. Follow through and split if he won't do his share. Lazy bastard.

oh and take the day off tomorrow for you. ypu watch kids today. he does it tomorrow. give no warning. just say” i'll be back at 4pm, remember to feed the kids”, and go.

@Theendisinsight88 what is it that makes you want to hold on to him?

Your life will improve exponentially when you kick him out; mine did.

I've read all your updates. He sounds absolutely vile. Pernickety, negative and determined to put you down and minimise everything you do. How long can you live like this?

It sounds like he'd actually prefer it if you were a domestic slave that took being ordered about.
You have a daughter+ do you want the dc growing up thinking childrearing and cleaning are women's jobs? This isn't the 1940's.
Plus he is rude,, moody and contempuos of your job. Since your boss has been so accommodating I bet they rate you. Go on the necessary overnight trips, pick up the extra projects and get promoted. You'll need it because this man is controlling and unpleasant and you need to be able to tell him no. Likely he'll escalate so you may need to be prepared to leave.

It sounds as though the best thing you can do is hold onto that job with both hands. He sounds controlling and cruel and it would be awful to be financially dependent upon him. He is undermining you, trying to minimise and belittle your efforts and accomplishments to destroy your esteem and sense of reality. Is there a chance you can get away to have a long hard think about how your life might look without him tearing you down and chewing you out all the time? Can you really imagine growing old with him?