AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

[Theendisinsight88]

Another day another argument with DH

To put into context, coming to the end of school holidays, it's been hard. DC are 5 and 10. I've done the bulk of childcare or sorted out clubs, babysitting etc and a combination of wfh where possible etc. But its been a long few weeks. Dh has done 1 day at home so I coukd go into the office and even then complained it's been hard

Today's argument started because I was Wfh but had to drop eldest dc off at an activity between calls. Did a quick lunch kids too plates out, but I didn't notice some crumbs were on a chair that they didn't tidy up. Got back and had to rush on a call, so dh came home and threw a strop that there were crumbs there. Asked why I didn't get the kids to tidy up properly before we went out. Explained they took plates and bowls out but that's not good enough

Later on dh was partially napping on the sofa, but was awake as he'd asked me the time 3 times. So knew he was awake. I then dropped something which made a noise while tidying up and he had a go at me for making noise while he napped

Then moaned at me because this morning because I forgot to tell him I was having a shower this morning (I often shower at night) and then he moaned about the wasted effort he had just done on cleaning the shower ( wiping the screen down)

I am probably over thinking this as it's been a long few weeks, my job is demanding and I've not had 2 seconds to myself in 5 weeks (dh been away/out most weekends as well) and I'm exhausted but the constant moaning is killing me

Oh come ON, you must know he's a grade A prick. Hope he's fantastic in bed or something to make up for it.

He’s very critical isn’t he. I’d be telling him where to stick his criticisms. Who appointed him judge & jury? Crumbs on a chair 🙄. How long do you think you can realistically tolerate him?

i recognise my own situation in your story. I turned things around by becoming more outspoken and drawing boundaries. Don’t just try to make things better within this current set up. Change the dynamic or you remain the default parent and also doing all the household jobs and childcare. Get arsey and call out his crap behaviour. Carve out time for yourself and get out the house. Your husband needs to pull his socks up. You can do it with humour but with a steel core, or be clear and spell it out. Remember who you are and don’t put up with this.

Please leave him
you know it won’t get better and honestly it’s not funny when you are treated with such a lack of respect.
he has nothing to contribute but control. End this now and divorce him whilst you can salvage a life for yourself and your children

'but I didn't notice some crumbs were on a chair that they didn't tidy up. Got back and had to rush on a call, so dh came home and threw a strop that there were crumbs there'

This alone identifies exactly who your not so DH is. Unbearable controlling arsehole, who holds you in contempt.

Can you afford to get rid? x

And napping…..

Op I’m sorry this is an abusive relationship.
It will have a profound affect on your kids if you stay in it.
If Mr Whiny Arse wanted a trad wife he should have been honest about it from the start, but no he’s choosing to abuse a normal adult human because he’s a fucking inadequate narcissist.

He is abusive and controlling.

This is so sad OP. This is no way to live. I hope you read these comments and find peace. You sound incredible strong and resilient.

JFC I would have had the biggest tantrum when he said that. He is utterly useless, selfish and lazy and I don't know how you kept your temper. You put the kids first, him second and yourself last. He puts himself first every single time. He is a shit father and an even shitter husband. How can you bear to even look at him?

This behaviour would be marriage-ending for me. You sound lovely and he totally doesn't deserve you.

Tell him to dial it down or he won't be sleeping on the sofa he'll be sleeping elsewhere.

Why is all of that your job, though? Are his hands broken?

Is there a reason you’re tolerating all this?

I think this is a very constructive post. The school hols are nearly over now but once the kids are in bed this weekend you need to have a serious chat with him and make clear you are not going to tolerate his bullying behaviour anymore.

• he needs to respect your work time by actively parenting once he is back home, not napping. If he naps, wake him up.

-understand it is your job to travel sometimes and accommodate it

-parent as a team, ie crumbs are left, just clean them up

-draw up a chores list and make him responsible for half

Reset the tone for the rest of the holiday.

It will only change if you don't allow yourself to be treated this way. After a horrible marriage and messy divorce, I am now very boundaried with my new partner. If he shouts at me or talks to me disrespectfully I make it clear every time I won't be treated like that. It works.

Please tell us clearly why he is not doing any childcare or housework - why are these your job? why is he not pulling his weight at weekends or when he’s not at work?

he sounds like a wanker tbh

O God just get rid of him, he's vile. Make an appointment with a solicitor, OP and get yourself free.

You're struggling with positives because there aren't any.

Did you moan at him when he made excuses not to cover 5 days of holiday child care?

Do you moan at him for not doing laundry himself?

Do you moan at him for not unloading all of the dishwasher?

I'm guessing you aren't allowed to moan at him at all. And that you do all the cleaning,
cooking, laundry, and the vast majority of childcare.

Why is he out most of the weekends?

Why is he going out lots of evenings?

Why does he get to nap during the day?

WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH ALL OF THIS?

This is no way to live, OP, for you or the children.
He is a thoroughly unpleasant, controlling, abusive man.
He is making your life a misery, and your kids' lives too.

Please please start working out how you can leave him. And go for as much custody as you can so they spend as little time as possible with him.

Whilst I agree with your core point, what a world where it's on women to enforce boundaries, and where mens default is to shirk and even shout at women.

ExDH was the same, a nice guy to all intents and purposes but would do exactly as much as he could get away with.

This.

This sounds horrific OP.

Absolutely this. Are the good times - assuming there are at least some - worth this behaviour from him the rest of the time? I'm not a LTB poster but something has to change in this dynamic.

I agree with @FluffyLamkins - you need to put your foot down. Your work and its remuneration is keeping the ship afloat.

He needs to get off his arse and stop napping when it’s his turn to parent his children.

You don't even realise how much better things would be without this depressing, abusive moaner.

He even polices what you drink? That is utterly insane! Do you challenge him about his dreadful behaviour/attitude towards you?

You say that you both earn about the same. Is your job more prestigious and respected? What is he doing at weekends when he is out of the house all the time, leaving you to parent alone?

It is clear that he prioritises himself before you and the kids. You are the default parent, despite having a more demanding job.

Do you really want to stay married to such an awful man? He gaslights you daily by telling you that you don't prioritise him or the kids while he does nothing apart from telling you that you are doing things wrong. He has looked after his kids for one day out of the six week school holiday, after he promised more, and you have managed all the rest.

The very sight of him napping on the sofa while you juggle work and the kids would trigger such homicidal rage that I just couldn't bear to look at him. My marriage would be irrevocably damaged beyond repair.

This man needs to live alone. And so do you with the kids. What a joyless life for you. You must be worn to a thread doing all the parenting while living on eggshells.

I think the simplest way of looking at all of this is by the rule I tell my kids to consider when choosing who to spend their time with.. forget all of the words that are said, how do you feel when you’ve been with person? If it’s consistently negative then they are not your person and you should avoid spending time with them.

He’s clearly draining the life out of you to tue point you’re questioning if you’re being unreasonable by being pissed off that a grown man, father of your kids is napping in the day and also moaning about crumbs. Whatever his problem is, it’s not yours to work out for him.

And of course he’s going to have an issue with your job, or rather, you doing well at a job. Because this means you’re well thought of, have contact with other people, it gives you another purpose, it gives you confidence to know you have a purpose there, it gives you independence etc etc etc, all the things he will be trying to whittle away at to make sure he holds more power.

Please OP, I’m not one of the MN ‘leave the bastard if he dares to breath’ brigade but you need to seriously consider what you want in your life and for your kids, my parents stayed together forever despite not really liking each other and actually it embedded in me that you don’t need boundaries, that’s once you are in a relationship you just put up with anything because that’s your life now, it’s taken me years and years of therapy and is still in a work in progress to put my needs on any table.

Take care, show yourself some love xx