AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

[Theendisinsight88]

Another day another argument with DH

To put into context, coming to the end of school holidays, it's been hard. DC are 5 and 10. I've done the bulk of childcare or sorted out clubs, babysitting etc and a combination of wfh where possible etc. But its been a long few weeks. Dh has done 1 day at home so I coukd go into the office and even then complained it's been hard

Today's argument started because I was Wfh but had to drop eldest dc off at an activity between calls. Did a quick lunch kids too plates out, but I didn't notice some crumbs were on a chair that they didn't tidy up. Got back and had to rush on a call, so dh came home and threw a strop that there were crumbs there. Asked why I didn't get the kids to tidy up properly before we went out. Explained they took plates and bowls out but that's not good enough

Later on dh was partially napping on the sofa, but was awake as he'd asked me the time 3 times. So knew he was awake. I then dropped something which made a noise while tidying up and he had a go at me for making noise while he napped

Then moaned at me because this morning because I forgot to tell him I was having a shower this morning (I often shower at night) and then he moaned about the wasted effort he had just done on cleaning the shower ( wiping the screen down)

I am probably over thinking this as it's been a long few weeks, my job is demanding and I've not had 2 seconds to myself in 5 weeks (dh been away/out most weekends as well) and I'm exhausted but the constant moaning is killing me

He works 6.30 until 13.30, even if a person worked 9 till 16.00, same hours surely they help their DP out once home.
What makes him think his day ends there?

Do you plan any holiday clubs while you work, it can't be easy entertaining DC while trying to work.

He works 6.30 to 1.30? Five hours a day? How many days a week does he work that make him oh so tired that he needs a nap and couldn’t possibly be expected to parent his own children or do any housework?

You are not over thinking this...he's awful.

If you were divorced, it sounds like you would do the same amount of work or less and you wouldn’t have to listen to anywhere near as much moaning. Doesn’t that sound nice?

Unless it turns out that he pulls down an eye-watering salary for his lightweight work day, I’m going to say OP is the unreasonable one for putting up with this obvious twat.

You read him the riot act. You tell him that if he disrespects what you do one more time he can leave. You tell him that if he's so unhappy with standards then you suggest he shows you all what standards he would like kept to by doing the fucking work himself.

And that he changes his attitude towards his wife and children and stops treating you like staff. I'd probably do this very very loudly when the kids were outside.

We earn roughly three same when you take bonus and overtime into account

We have tried to avoid holiday cubs where possible just due to the cost mainly so no hasn't been easy

He was meant to cover 6 days over the holidays so I could go into the office while I did the rest. He did 1. Moaned about it. Came up with excuses for the rest

He does sometimes work nights but hasn't this week. He's been on call a few days and had 1 call a night so I do get the being tired.

The plan was from whe he gets home at 2pm ish to then watch the children so I could work undistracted. 99% of the time he has come home and napped, told the kids to be quiet or play in their rooms and then they have come and found me anyway

Struggling with positives right now

Whiny shit needs his arse handing to him and to step up and do his share.

You're not his skivvy.

He's awful.

We have tried to avoid holiday cubs where possible just due to the cost mainly so no hasn't been easy

We, as in both?

Because based on this....

The plan was from whe he gets home at 2pm ish to then watch the children so I could work undistracted. 99% of the time he has come home and napped, told the kids to be quiet or play in their rooms and then they have come and found me anyway

I'm sorry i'd be telling him he pays his half for kids clubs.

Yes, it may tighten the purse strings but it's not a cost you'll pay every week once school starts like some have, but your sanity of being able to get on with your paid working without being disturbed will thank you.

Is there a reason that he is unable to load the dishwasher, pick up crumbs or wash his own socks? What is he for, OP? Because it seems like he's moaning about everything you do while doing nothing at all himself.

If not, I’m not quite sure what the point of him is?

TBH my response to the crumbs would be I’ll
let you take over the kids lunchtime when you get home from work then!!

What does he actually contribute to the house? Doesn't seem like much from your posts.

The fact he was downright cruel by claiming your five-year-old could supposedly brush his own teeth is ringing huge alarm bells for me. Nevermind all the rest. I experienced this and it is horrendous for children to be put through. They do not need to be in an environment like this. Children do pick up on this. I am sure the general atmosphere in the household is not particularly pleasant, either. Please think of your child/ren. They do not need this in their lives - particularly at such an early stage. You don't either. Why do you feel as though you should be treated like this? Essentially like a slave? Why should you feel as though you have to justify yourself? To know that you will constantly be criticised no matter what. Long-term that will do nothing but mess with your head. Think about a child's head. You would be much better off without him. And so what if the washing pile grows a bit? Think about all you are left to do. It is the holidays. Of course it will be bigger. He is fully capable of helping but he chooses not to. Apologies for the rather long post. I am just utterly sick and tired of males such as this behaving in this manner.

What a waste of space he is. This sounds as though he objects to not being the centre of your attention all the time. Well, tough shit, he's a supposed adult. Any normal person would have wiped the crumbs up themselves. He may object to you having a paid job but I doubt he minds the money you bring in.

You know full well he’s being a knob. The question is what to do about it….
I would perhaps start why asking him why he can’t function as a reasonable human, let alone a parent, and go from there.

Struggling with positives…. You poor love, that’s because there are no positives, you are fighting a losing battle, to win, you have to kick his sorry arse out of your life!

Have you told him any of what you have posted here?

He sounds unpleasant

How are you overthinking?! You are doing so much and he’s out most weekends?!

Honestly you aren’t pissed off enough!

Your life would be better if you LTB!

He is not moaning. He is bullying. Completely different.

Moaning is “oh I’m sick of the heat/neighbours/cat peeing everywhere. It might even be I’m fed up with you and me getting no quality time together.

But it isn’t trying to guilt you for holding down a demanding job or penalise you for “missing some crumbs”.

Facts are:

He should be sharing home and kids 50/50

He should be supportive of your work and try to make it as easy and stress-free as possible. You have enough on your plate without worrying if Twat-Face is going to start tapping his watch whilst you are on a work call. How fucking DARE he?

As for telling you he has to ‘re-do’ your chores… I have no words.

He is a belittling, confidence crushing, joy sucking bully and you are going to have to really understand how bad this is so that you decide how you want to tackle it.

I am sorry Op.

This is nothing to do with him being stressed due to the school holidays, he's an abusive prick! He sounds like a horrible man and you're running around trying not to upset him.
I'm so sorry OP. He needs to go

Indeed! Childcare arrangements should be the same when wfh, such a self inflicted unnecessary stress for families.

Sorry, not sure if I've got this right? You wfh and he is out at work? If so, that's not a beneficial setup looking after a young child for anyone. It would make more sense to arrange childcare rather than frantically rush about and miss parts of your work duties. If DH wfh as well, even then it's still not ideal.

I’d rather live on my own than put up with that.

I agree its not the best set up but we were trying to make it work and for the most parts from my side it has. It's been chaotic and there are days where I have needed to work early/late due to distractionso in the day but overall it's been ok.

The house isn't as tidy as it could be but it never is and it's not for lack of trying on my part but where as i can get by with a slightly larger wash pile than i would like, he obviously can't

When we were arguing earlier he made a comment about how fed he was, i muttered so was i and he asked what i had to be fed up about when I'm lazy and get away it and all i care about is my job