AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

Irrespective of the backstory, nobody should be guilted into providing personal, nursing care for anyone.

Not if you don't want to. She isn't your relative. And had an affair with your Dad.

Yanbu...

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

"Actually no, Doris didn't raise us. Our Mum did that, and largely did it alone after Dad left her for Doris"

I mean - I wouldn’t do it but I’d say you’d be kidding bye bye to any share of any estate if you don’t help.

it sounds like you had her in your life from childhood - and she is your sisters mum. I don’t know the dynamics but if you were brought up as siblings and she was a good step mum I might offer to be doing some errands / getting the gardeNing and cleaning sorted/ drive to appointments- i would not be wiping her arse though. I wouldn’t do that for my own mother.

She's not your mom and you weren't close to her as your dad's wife. You're not unreasonable to say no, your sister is being unreasonable expecting you to help her with home care.

It is fine to say no.

She is not even a relative and no one should be guilt-tripped into taking on elderly care.

She's not your responsibility. She isn't your mother, you aren't close and her being married to your father doesn't mean she raised you either.

I'd be quite comfortable telling them all to piss off and get themselves on a rota to care for her if they feel so fucking passionately about it.

I would not feel obliged to contribute to her care in that situation.

Yanbu.

It is absolutely your choice. Ignore the comments.

I mean - I wouldn’t do it but I’d say you’d be kissing bye bye to any share of any estate if you don’t help.

Actually, this is an interesting point. Having witnessed similar family setups, I'd put money on it that you and your full siblings would put the work in, get no thanks and the child of the widow will inherit the whole estate. Almost happened in my family.

You're not related and she didn't 'raise' you, so your conscious should be clear.

Unless there is a whole backstory, I would be stepping up a bit to support your sister, rather than any other reason.

I don’t necessarily mean becoming part of a rota to help look after her necessarily but offer your sister support maybe?
money? A few home cooked meals? Occasionally take her to an appointment or get a shop in? Suggest carers? Offer to help babysit your sister’s kids if she has any in order for her to support her mum.

I couldn’t leave her all alone to do this. Doesn’t seem right

We aren’t interested in inheritance. I think it would be even worse to look after her because we were wanting her money than to not look after her.

Was she a good stepmum? How long has she been in your life? Has she provided you with childcare?

But they didn’t ask to be “provided with childcare”. She isn’t their mother and they owe her nothing.
What if OPs mum takes ill tomorrow is she expected to care for them both? Because half sibling certainly bloody won’t be!

None of us are close with our half sister so we feel no obligation to help her. We are all busy so don’t want to spend any spare time we have doing extra tasks for her mum. We have suggested carers. When our mum was ill, we paid for things to be done that we couldn’t cover ourselves so it seems the obvious solution.

Tell your half sister that you really don't want to. I would point out to anyone who says anything that your step mum was the reason why you didn't grow up with 2 parents in the same house and she was lucky that you are nice people and were pleasant to her.

You owe her nothing. She split your family but you were accepting of that because you are nice people but why would you care for her

She was ok but none of us found her to be very warm. She was married to my dad for about 40 years. No childcare for any of us.

Prob no inheritance anyway. Unless your dad made a watertight will, it goes to the spouse - and I presume you already know having had your dad pass away.

Sorry OP, no, no care should be given unless you want to. It's up to you, out of love, not obligation.

I would point out to anyone who says anything that your step mum was the reason why you didn't grow up with 2 parents in the same house

Yes the OPs father wasn’t in any way responsible.

Just say she needs professional carers and you can’t do it.

I highly doubt her mother would have any interest in being cared for by the adult children from her husbands first marriage.

You think op and her sibling should fund her dad’s ex wife? Or provide a taxi service?

Funny how the bonds of family and marriage etc meant fuck-all to your SM when she was fucking your married dad, but now she needs care it’s a different story.

It doesn’t sounds like she was a great mother figure to you, or grandmother figure to your DC, she was your dad’s mistress and latterly his wife.

She’s not your responsibility.