AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

I don't disagree but her father was the reason. We don't blame women for the actions of men

The fact that the dad was also responsible seems irrelevant.

I am sure that your step-MIL will not want you providing care for her. Why would she? It's going to be weird for her too. Say no and don't feel bad about it.

Having read all of your updates OP I don’t think you have any obligations towards your step mother because she never actually ‘cared’ for you. Your updates say your father did your laundry and ironing and he took you to school along with his parents who generally helped look after you and your siblings rather than her. You say she did cook for everyone but he had to wash up so she was not a caring, involved, loving step mum and in fact you say she was cold towards you.
I think you should very gently point this out to your sister because if you left when she was 5 she was too young to understand this dynamic.
I would however be willing to do the odd prescription pick up or task but only to the level I would do for an elderly neighbour.
I don’t think SM would actually want you being too closely involved for what it’s worth.

I suppose it might, in theory - the stepmother still gets to decide what she does with HER will. Although it would be unusual for her to leave much to a stepchild.

Sometimes dying people just ask their beneficiaries verbally to do what they see as "the right thing" ("yes, if course I'll leave everything to you darling, but split it equally between all the kids when you go"). And then, often, it doesn't happen. A foolish way to arrange things when there's second marriages and stepchildren, but happens a lot.

It’s hard enough providing care to someone you really love. I would say sorry but we did this for our own mum and we really don’t feel that close to our stepmom, and it’s likely she wouldn’t want us to do her personal care either.
we know it’s hard as we have been through this with our own mum, so if you ever want to chat we’re here but otherwise you need to arrange paid carers.

Selfish of the ‘mum’ to allow her children to be her carers. There’s paid services for that. It’s what we save for.
Irrelevant if she raised you.
If the sibling is overwhelmed then that’s unfortunate. Her resentment is misplaced.

She IS a relative, by marriage, a step-mother = relative

I can't believe all the posters who are saying no-one is obligated to care for elderly parents should they need it. I had a difficult relationship with both mine but can't imagine being so selfish as to not want to care for them

I'm sorry that you don't understand it, but that doesn't make it wrong.

But the relative she was married to is dead. She's the father's widow, ergo not a relative.

I can't see how this argument applies here. They were both responsible, OP's father for breaking up the family and Step Mother for having an affair with a married man.

Step mother is now expecting care from her affair partner's children, they're entitled to hold her accountable for her actions and say no. That doesn't absolve OP's father, but he isn't the one expecting to be cared for is he.

Selfish would be letting your children care for you. Not a life I’d want for mine.

I agree. You could provide a little support for your sister. It’s not her fault your dad left your mum.

I guess the ow didnt have compassion for OPs mum when she was in the affair, pretyt heartless. Sometimes karma comes back to you years later.

Of course it applies, it was in direct response to a comment that the stepmother was THE reason OPs parent spilt. Her father was the reason for that, he was the one who stepped out on the marriage. .

And there is no evidence the dad's widow is expecting anything, it's the half sister demanding care help.

I don't know... Do you like her? Did you like her as a child? Has she been a kind and interested second mum? Would she be/is she a loving and involved third grandma to your kids?

If yes, then I'd probably be happy to get involved in some hands-off stuff like getting the weekly shopping sorted etc. But if it's no to pretty much any of the above, then I'd probably wash my hands of her.
Yes, your dad probably would be a bit disappointed, but, with love, he's not here to do anything about it.

You said "we don't blame women for the actions of men", as if the Step Mother is passive in all of this and bears no responsibility. Lets not pretend that there is no moral failing in having an affair with a married man or that there should be no accountability.

OP's father is responsible for breaking up the family. So is the Step Mother. This didn't happen solely because of his actions, it happened because of hers too so she takes her share of the blame.

Yes of course OP can do what she likes and I absolutely don't blame her given the circumstances. I'm not criticising her choice at all.
I commented because a pp said she wouldn't wipe her own mum's "arse" (as she beautifully put it!) and I said I would help out my own mum. That's why I commented.

Crikey.

Nah I wouldn’t do anything
I would take great pleasure in saying no not a chance

not my mother , not my problem darling
she’s your mum you can wipe her ass

That is blaming women for men's actions. A woman does not break up a mans marriage, he does. She made no promises, she owes no fidelity.
He and only he cheated on his wife. He had an affair. He left his wife for another woman.
Women do not steal men, they are not possessions.

She owed fidelity to the man she was married to when she had an affair with OP's father, but that's beside the point.

We are all capable of not shagging people who we know to be married with children behind the backs of their spouses, in the knowledge that we are playing a significant role in breaking up their childrens' families. If we do it, it is a moral failing on our part and one that we deserve to be held accountable for. Pointing that out is not the same as absolving OP's father or blaming the Step Mother for his actions. He is responsible for his own actions and the Step Mother is responsible for hers. You are not passive or blameless when you have an affair with a married man.

No you are not doing it. Before you know it there will be a rota, then you end up doing it all.

She will have to do it herself or pay for care.

I've had really hard lessons the last couple of years and one of them was you can step up and still be treated like shit. Don't step up.

I am a carer also and I agree with that point completely. I also have seen what happens when family members are looking after those that they dont like, have no feeling for or have some grievances regarding historical relationship dynamics.

Everyone has this rosy ideal picture of children supporting their parents (or in this case step mother), and wonderful if it happens like that. But in the real world things dont always happen like that and not all families are the same.

I gave up work to move my Mum in with my family into a purpose built annexe in our garden when her dementia became too advanced for her to live at home with carers. I had the support of my WfH DH, my 2 school age DC, a local village befriending group and daily carers. And it was despite the help, on going relentless 24/7 pressure. But my situation was unusual and I was lucky to be able to do it and I wanted to do it.

But how many people on this post would be in the situation at home, emotionally or financially to do that? Just because the OP & her full siblings have already helped out with her dad (cant nb re her mum), she & her family may not be in a position to do so currently with her SM. We dont know circumstances and life moves on, things change.

Also sometimes things happen in families which mean that that relationship has been killed off or damaged beyond repair. What goes around, comes around. And in those cases its much better to have carers in to help out. The carers arent weighed down by historical issues and develop a very different type of relationship. Most of my patients will talk to me about things they would never dream of mentioning to family or even close friends.

I have a relatively good relationship with one of my half brothers from my dad's second marriage, but I never expected him to help with my Mum. She was my responsibility.

The OP's half sister is the one responsible for her own mother. She is probably panicking abit because shes just realising its on her shoulders & it is a heavy weight to bear. But she definitely shouldnt be going round the family complaining about the OP to guilt her. If she & her mother were never close with the OP why does she expect OP to help look after her mother?

Yes the cheating and divorce and the step family happened a long time ago, but emotional damage from a divorce doesnt just disappear. It stays with the children into adulthood. I think its unfair for people to assume the OP should help her SM if she doesnt want to.