AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

I would but you don't have to. You do sound cold tho

You’re talking shite! Get your facts right and improve your comprehension skills.

I said ‘When our mum was ill, we paid for things to be done that we couldn’t cover ourselves….’

I did care for my mum, my siblings and I did a lot of the care ourselves but we had to work so couldn’t always be there. We paid for carers to fill the gaps when we couldn’t be there.

That's fair, but how could you really know what she's like? Maybe building bridges would be beneficial? I imagine she feels the odd one out. Perhaps she's put on a personal and put up walls to cope?

Are you saying we all have an obligation to provide care for people we have liked at some time in our lives? How does that work?

What a charming post. The OP said at times when they couldn’t help their mum they paid for
help. She didn’t say she didn’t help at all.

You can never expect help- i have a sibling and although he is as much Mum's child as i am he moved to the US and completely refused to help.
Expecting you to help with your step mothers care is cheeky of your step sibling- you will have no expectations of any inheritance from her, but your step sibling will- so they are very cheeky indeed, even if she had brought you up (which she didn't) you still can have no expectations from her. Your step sibling just wants to keep the cost down so their inheritance is protected- tell them to get lost.

"practically raised you"....after decimating your family unit. The half sibling won't ever understand that reality. I'd be casually kind, but not feel responsible in the way the half sibling wants.

Because I’ve seen her regularly when seeing my dad and I don’t like what I see.

Could not have said it better.

It sounds like your mind is made up and you've closed that door, then. 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like someone is trying to outsource their job to you! Tell her nice try…

The only reason to do it is to support your sibling. But it sounds like you have closed a door on that relationship.

You have no obligation here. I feel a bit of sympathy for your half sibling because I was alone helping one parent and it’s very overwhelming. But you can absolutely say no with no guilt attached.

"why do you think she raised me? You have no significant memories of when I lived part of the time with your mum. You were a toddler for most of it. She didn't raise me. When I was at your house, my dad raised me, not your mum. It was her choice to stand back from parenting me, and that was her right. But don't go telling me that I owe her because she raised me, because she didn't. She cooked some of my meals, and that was it"