AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

This would be the civilized way to behave.

It’s a huge ask that’s will potentially massively reduce your quality of life. There are professional carers for a reason.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Just let people know, my mum raised us without much help after he left his family to be with her, and no she didn't raise us. She was ok, not particularly warm, and of course we're not interested in being her caregivers.

Yes, maybe more went on behind the scenes a than the OP realises but if she doesn’t feel her SM raised her she’s entitled to that view. It’s quite emotional language to say you raised a child who is not your own, “helped raise” sounds a lot better than saying raised when OP had two parents.

A lot of me hates the idea of any older person struggling, but I don’t agree with the SS trying to guilt Op into it and think she needs to be firmly told bitching to extended family is unacceptable.

Yep, and according to the OP a fairer comment would be "She helped my dad out a bit with raising us".

My dad worked shifts and my parents worked out their custody schedule around those... His parents helped out. She did cook most dinners but it was my dad that washed and ironed our clothes, helped with homework, put us to bed, and my dad or grandparents that took us to school. I’m sure she did things I didn’t notice as a child but my dad was very hands on.

So the second wife certainly didn't raise them, and it's rude and self important of the half sibling to attempt to claim that.

And even if it was true (and it's not) they were kids with no say in it so they are not obliged in any way as adults to pay back some imaginary debt they had no choice in owed to the woman her father left her mother for.

And deeply, deliberately insulting to their actual mother, who did in fact raise them, and made a point of not turning them against their philandering dad.

agree!

And the half sibling is saying her mother raised them, but OP is saying ”By the time my half sister was born I was 13 so the age gap meant we didn’t really have much in common. I went to university at 18 so I didn’t spend much time with her” so OP wasn’t even there from when the half sibling was about five years old so all she really knows is what her mother told her.

It would depend on care she gave you as a child growing up. Did she never cook you meals, do your washing, clean your room, drive you to clubs and activities, make you a birthday cake, treat you well as a child or did she basically ignore you and just do these things for her own child and made your Dad cook and care for you OP? That would determine if I helped a little or not but not with personal care. If this step mum cooked some of my meals as a child. It's hard to think she cooked for her own DC and never gave you a meal too. I might offer to drop her off a home cooked meals once a week. If she dropped you off to clubs and activities I might offer to drive her to a medical appointment occasionally. If she did your washing sometimes as a child Iight offer to pop by and throw in a load of washing for stepmum and make her a coffee once a week at same time I dropped off a home cooked meal for her. That is what I'd do but if she made your childhood unpleasant or never ever cooked for you or did any washing for you I'd point this out to step sister. Also if you want to have any sort of relationship with your stepsister going forward offering just a little bit of help might go a long way. You have sisters who are your family, your step-sister only has you and your sisters. You sound like the only family she has so if be inclined to help her a bit if I could but just once a week for an hour.

I’d give her the same amount of care and concern that she gave to your mother

I might offer to help but I’d offer to help any older person. And I might also be more inclined to help a neighbour who’s been good to me.

But I would t apply a tit for tat logic to my SM. The Op had no choice about what SM did/didn’t do for her. She doesn’t owe her anything. And SM didn’t care about OP enough not to break up the family of a 4 year old.

No, YANBU. You shouldn't feel obligated to help, and given you've never been close to your step-mum, I don't know why she had any expectation of receiving care from you. It was really rude of your half-sister to go around badmouthing you to family. That would put me right off any thought of helping out.

I'm assuming since your Dad has passed away you haven’t seen your step mum? If you haven’t then it is totally random that after 2 years of not seeing your step mum/half sibling they would expect you to rock up now and provide some level of care.
I have a step mum, no affair involved as my parents were long divorced. My children call her Nanny and she spends time with them, not to the same extent as her own Grandchildren and not as much as they see their maternal Grandmother.
Its likely that she will outlive my Dad as he is older but even in our closer set up I wouldn’t get involved in caring for her when she’s needs that level of input, that will be down to her own children to implement.
Id pop by for a visit, perhaps do her shopping if she needed something but certainly no personal care.
Given your history and level of contact with your half sibling I think it’s very odd that you’re getting messages from others to say your Dad would be disappointed, surely he wouldn’t expect you to have much contact after he was gone?

I wipe my mums. She wiped mine

We can't know that, as OP hasn't said. It COULD be that he's tenants in common with the wife and has left half the house to the children of the first marriage, or he's leaving them cash or whatever. OP doesn't seem to care about inheritance, which is admirable.

I would stick to your guns.
Tell her no.
The sister sounds like a pita. She needs to arrange carers.

OP's step-mum was an active participant in OP's father's transgressions. He wouldn't have been able to have an affair and leave OP's mum and his children if her step-mother hadn't been a willing participant in the affair and his decision to leave his wife and kids.

She isn't a blameless victim and OP has no obligation to provide hands-on care for her. OP's sister is unreasonable to expect this.

You refer to OP and her siblings being in their step-mother's home frequently as though the step-mum was doing them a big favour. It was just a consequence of their dad moving out and starting a new family, not a selfless act of kindness on her step-mother's part.

I’m reading this with interest op, as I find myself in a similar situation. However my dad’s widow has no children of her own, so it is my stepmum who is directly pressuring me to support her. I lived with my mum full time growing up and have never been close to her (she was actively hostile to me growing up). I’m adopting a friendly but distant stance for now, checking in every so often, and have no intention of offering any care.

Its a bit sad not to help at all

Being a carer is a hard, lonely job so I can understand why your half sibling is looking for help. Presumably she is going to do her bit and is asking for support? Or is she saying you should all take the responsibility as she doesn’t want it?

I’m currently offering some support to my dad’s wife (who didn’t raise me) as her own children are not interested. I’ve created very firm boundaries though and I won’t do anything that I feel is the responsibility of her family - if they won’t do it, then I’ve told them they either arrange help or it won’t get done. They're quite likely to inherit a lot one day (whereas I won’t get anything) so they can use some of that money now to get their mum some help. If they choose not to, I won’t be stepping into the gap in order to preserve their inheritance.

However I will run her to some appointments, take her to the shops annd generally make sure she’s ok. If I’m doing something for my dad, I will do it for her too. I won’t get involved in finances, personal care or anything like that and I just default back to her family and say ‘if you want this done, you’ll have to organise help’ and I make it clear if they don’t, it won’t happen.

It is very easy for family members to allow one person to just slide into the unpaid carer role. It’s entirely up to you whether you offer any support or not.

I would never expect my step children to look after me.. they have their own mum.

Yes mine did too - good for you. I don’t want to do that, so I won’t.

I would say " I have already done this for my own mother, I am not doing it for someone else's". I take it half sister didn't help you when your actual mother needed care?

This is a very sensible way forward

Good, So we're agreed