AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

So if I was single, and my best friend's husband made a pass at me and I fancied him, I could just drop my knickers and expect that if she found out she'd just be mad at him not me, and if her husband toddled off to live a life of bliss with me I should expect her children to look after me in my old age? Hell to the fuck no.

I don't think you've understood the point at all.

I rather think I have.

ETA because I misunderstood.

Not in the slightest

OP said that her dad did all the care for her and her siblings when they were at his house. She doesn't like her step-mother and she knows that her dad cheated on her mum and then left her for this woman. She doesn't have any warm feelings for her so won't be helping. She has a choice not to provide any care just like her step-mum had a choice not to have an affair with OP's dad.

"No you haven't"

"Yes I have"

"Oh no you haven't"

Make your point properly instead of this childish pantomime style shit. I strongly disagree with you as well and you haven't added anything substantive to counter any arguments, this is just foot stamping.

Her dad has a choice not to have an affair also but she's not slagging him off

Her dad isn't the one who is expecting OP to change her life by becoming a carer.

He happens to be dead. Plus, she was obviously able to forgive him and developed a strong relationship with him over the years. This didn’t happen with the step-mum.

Yes precisely. She had a strong relationship with him She may not have had a good relationship with his wife but no lt necessarily to do with the affair as many on here keep referring to

. But people here are blaming her( sm) for the marriage breakup and nothing about the dads part.

And is the stepmother expecting this? Or is it her sister that's suggesting it.Not seen anything about the SMs actual thoughts on it

I think OP has stated that she didn't have a good relationship regardless of the affair. It does mean that she has absolutely no reason to be grateful to the stepmother even if she did make her meals etc as a child though.

And that's fair enough. So it has zero relevance to the affir that posters keep bringing up.

And nowhere did I say the OP should be grateful to her SM

The relevance is that the sister has said the stepmother brought OP up is if she did her a favour which should be returned. In reality the stepmother didn't do much and wouldn't have needed to do anything if she hadn't had an affair with OPs father. Not really something that OP should be grateful for.

Hell no, nobody has the right to tell you that you should be caring for anyone. And after watching my DH care for his DF with cancer (passed recently) and now his mum who is still at home with Alzheimer's I would encourage anyone to say no.

OP I would think you have enough going on without needing to be a carer I would tell your step relatives this so they can deal with a care company. There is no advantage to helping in any way. Her family need to handle the situation.