AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

The half sister didn't live with OPs mum 40% of the time growing up. It isn't the same.

I dunno I probably would help a bit even just for my half siblings sake.

Why is it shitty?
OP didn't choose to have this woman in her life, her dad foisted this woman upon her and her siblings.
Why should OP, whose childhood will undoubtedly have been impacted by her parents separation, now also make her adult life harder for herself by assuming some sort of obligation to her dad's wife?

Considering you and your siblings also had carers for your own mum, it’s not like it’s unreasonable for the same care for your dad’s wife.

You are absolutely in the right @AnotherPosterUsername . You do not owe another person care. No one does. Anyone agrees with your half sister and gives you any grief over it, tell them to bob their name on the rota.

Not unreasonable at all

Why shouldn't she be cold? Her dad had an affair with OP's step-mother and left OP's mum when OP was just four. That must have been very difficult for OP's mum.

She owes her step-mother nothing. There is no obligation for adult children to care for their ageing or ill parents, never mind a step-mother who was the reason for OP's parents' marriage ending.

It’s awfully convenient for your half sister that she only ever had two parents to look after. Going by her rationale, that makes you responsible for the care of up to four parents (if your mum remarried). Funny that.

I wouldn't provide care for my dad's wife, under any circumstances, and I work in care. My stepdad I absolutely would, we get along really well and he is part of the family, my children adore him and he's like an extra dad. I'm closer with him than my own dad. My dad's wife however I just dislike. She's not a nice person at all, very fake and out for all she can get.

Who are these other family members that she is trying to enlist support from and what do they mean to you. More importantly do you actually care what they think? That's the question that's her threat and all that she's got.

You're not close with your half sister or your dad's wife, so she's looking to use you guys to spread the work and costs. Caregiving is difficult enough for loved ones, your dad's wife is not in that category.

Tell the people contacting you if they're so concerned they should go help out.

Well, the estate's heirs are all the children.
OP and siblings step mum may not have seemed warm, but as children they were in her home frequently. Surely, there was some care?
OP has a half sibling whose mum is their step-mum whose home they spent time in.
Yes, they should assist their step-sister.
OP and siblings seem to be holding their father's transgressions against them.

YANBU. Half sister can get carers in for her mum. Ignore.

I don't think you are wrong to refuse to help with care. To be honest I don't think it's wrong when grown-up children don't give their own parents care. That being said, I rarely cook for a child that isn't mine, help one with homework, play with or comfort one. If you were with your dad 40% of the time, I find it hard to believe she didn't do these things quite frequently for you, which does mean she had a parent's role with you.

Where are the DCs from stepmum’s first marriage in all of this?

She's her stepmother and cared for her 40% of her childhood. True, she had an affair with OP's father which broke up the marriage but that is by the way, really, at this point in time and OP's mother was probably better away from OP's father.

"her mum ‘raised us’."

But is that true?

I’m sure the op would have preferred to live with her mum and dad 100% of the time. This woman was not a motherly figure to her, read her posts.
Nobody would expect shit if you were stepson, OP. Dont feel a single ounce of guilt.

You don't have to look after your own parents so why should you look after some woman who dossed with your dad ad broke up the family? You reap what you sow,

While it’s totally up to you to refuse to help, you did say that you spent 40% of your childhood with her. And although not ‘warm’ did she e.g. feed you, wash your clothes, clear up after you, make sure you went to school, helped with your homework etc? If so, I would probably offer to help in some way.

I would expect it from a stepson!

She "raised" you? No, she broke up your home, didn't she, from what you say? If that's the case, I'd do nothing for her. Your half-sibling is innocent, and I've got some sympathy for them, but your stepmother was an adult and made her choices. Who would want to do anything for someone like that?

We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

I would be pointing out to everyone your step-sister has said this to that you, your siblings and your mother were 'disappointed and saddened' when your father had an affair with her mum and left you when you were very small. The guilt trip is well out of order.

Absolutely hell to the no, YANBU

'Care' from the family needs to be given from the heart and if you ain't feeling it, then it's not going to be good, and for what's it's worth I would likely feel the same in your shoes. Your step sibling probably just doesn't want the 'burden' all on her shoulders so she's trying to guilt trip you.
It's HER mum, not yours, so don't fall for it - it doesn't matter HOW GOOD of a step-mum she was, this is not your responsibility.

ETA: I have step children, I didn't break up their parents marriage, I 100% do not expect them to look after me in my later years! The mere idea is preposterous!

My dad worked shifts and my parents worked out their custody schedule around those so my dad did most of our care. His parents helped out. She did cook most dinners but it was my dad that washed and ironed our clothes, helped with homework, put us to bed, and my dad or grandparents that took us to school. I’m sure she did things I didn’t notice as a child but my dad was very hands on