AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

Honestly, after 40 years of marriage and 60/40 custody, I don’t think I could do nothing. For me it would depend on what help is needed, when, where. I’d do something that wouldn’t inconvenience me too much but prob not more. Basically what I’d do for an elderly neighbour with children who live abroad or something.

With regards to the affair, I blame them both. They were both married to other people. My dad is the one that should have had loyalty to my mum and to us though.

When the affair happened I was too young to know and I only found out when I was much older. My mum shielded us from it as she wanted us to have a relationship with our dad and I am grateful of that. We had lots of difficult conversations with our dad about it. I certainly don’t put all the blame on his wife.

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable even if she was your mother, not a step mother.

Your dad left your mum to raise very young children alone. This woman allowed this to happen and played a part in breaking up a family. Your mum presumably will have had lots of pain and difficulty because of the pair of them. I wouldn’t be offering any care.

So while you were growing up, your mum cared for you 60% of the time and your dad and stepmother cared for you 40% off the time?

Irrespective of the familial relationship and history, no one should feel obliged or be pressured to provide care. Not everyone is able to do it either. I chose to, my sibling chose not to. Both of those decisions are OK.

Absolutely this - cut 'n' paste to everyone messaging you nastiness.

You have no obligation whatsoever and nothing to feel guilty about.

I would be willing to bet a tidy sum that if you were to step up and do "your share", half-sibling would suddenly develop a very busy schedule and melt into the background, leaving you to do the majority of the unpleasant stuff alone. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, perhaps. Their parent harmed your childhood - thus why shouldn't they ruin your adulthood...? Possibly not - but their eagerness to blacken your name to all and sundry is very telling.

Best wishes to you. x

No. If you read my post I have suggested they help support their sister.
However the OP has responded to my suggestion to state that they aren’t close to her, and have already suggested carers.

I think it’s a bit unreasonable for your half sister to bad mouth you to others and for them to then start to message you.

Feel free to ignore those messages, or answer as above pointing out that it was your DM who raised you after your DF left her to become a single parent, which can’t have been easy for her.

Often older people want to remain in their home and have family care for them even if they can afford paid for care comfortably. That preference does not override your wishes though. If you feel that you cannot offer any care for her at all then that’s fair enough.

No one needs to provide care to anyone, not even their own parents.

You certainly don't have to do it for a step parent. Tell half sister you cared for your mum and did/would have (as applicable) cared for your dad. Is there any reason you still need to have contact at all e.g. is part of the house due to you when stepmum passes?

People are weird about elder care.

A family member who lived abroad for good reasons felt she could dictate the level of family care provided to her mother back home.

Everyone ignored her, she was free to sulk to her heart’s content on her own time, who were we to dictate someone else’s feelings, but obviously we did not give her a space to air her grievances. Absolutely nothing to do with us. Frankly @AnotherPosterUsername I advise the same in your situation let your sister roar into a vacuum of her choosing, nothing to do with you.

Oh and other family members soon see through the bull shit too.

you mean they should give sister money? Chauffeur her to appointments? You said offer your sister support maybe?
money? A few home cooked meals? Occasionally take her to an appointment or get a shop in?

Agreed.

I think you're being a bit harsh OP, we all have to get old one day.

There is one circumstance where I think you should be helping which I don't think is the case here. If your father before his death asked you to look after your stepmother and you agreed, then some help would be honouring an undertaking you made to him.

Me too.

I think it's one of those situations where she sees the dynamic differently from the rest of you, maybe. After all, she will never have known a time where you weren't part of 'her' family unit. Does she know the circumstances in which her parents got together? If so she should understand why you might be reluctant to take on caring duties.

And nor should you feel obliged to do so. Lord knows it's hard enough when it is your own parents or someone you are close to, let alone someone with whom it sounds like you have a civil but emotionally distant relationship.

I have sympathy for anyone caring for an ailing loved one, but that doesn't mean she should expect others to climb aboard, and I suspect those she's ranting too secretly think the same. And if they don't, well, there's nothing stopping them volunteering.

Your parents chose to birth you, you did not choose to be born to provide care in their old age. Your step mum is not your parent, if you felt inclined to help then good on you but you clearly don't.
Nobody is entitled to your life.

Yes. You know. Be kind and supportive to their sister.

however the OP has responded to me already, to say they aren’t close to her, so all this is a moot point.

When your half sister made the comment about her mum raising you why didn't you shut it down hard and immediately?

Your mum and dad raised you separately across 2 houses. Your dad just happened to have another woman and child living with him. She didn't raise you.

Nah, you're being cold. Not suggesting you should go and provide intimate care but she was your dad's wife for many years and involved in your upbringing. It's shitty of you not to offer even a small amount of help, if you can. For the sake of your sister, too.

You aren’t close to the half sister or step mother, I’d leave her to it. I have done a lot of caring for late FIL, late DM, late DSF and given support to late MIL as she died quite quickly rather than needing extensive care. Caring is hard and thankless work and I personally only feel it’s appropriate in situations where you genuinely love the person, they loved and helped you where they could.

I absolutely won’t do it for my father or step monster. Any time me or my siblings have needed any help, major or minor, they have basically sat and laughed. Six holidays a year whilst my DB was at uni unable to afford food. £0 given by them to him. Really do they think he’s going to do caring? Absolutely not.

You reap what you sow.

It is hard enough looking after your own parents when they are old, I’m doing it just now, so do not feel obliged to help someone who isn’t your mum. It’s up to your half sister to deal with it and if you’re not close to her you don’t have to help, she arranges carers to come in when she can’t be there. That’s it really. Your half sis wouldn’t be rushing to help you look after your mum would she?

It's a rare father who does all the child care, with no expectations of support from the step mum. Frequent threads on here highlight that.
Stepmum may not have been "warm" but I bet she still did plenty.

Tell your half sister that you'll start helping out with her Mam if she agrees to start helping out with yours. I imagine that will shut her up.

YANBU. Even if she was your biological parent, I don’t believe anyone should have to provide care to anyone else. I won’t be taking care of any of my parents when the times comes because I don’t want to and that is because I don’t have that type of relationship with them. I don’t believe it would be appropriate. If your half sibling is struggling with their mother then they need to reach out to professionals rather than waste their time mouthing off at you. The absolute audacity especially given how your (joint) father and their mother got together in the first place. That would really piss me off.