AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

[AnotherPosterUsername]

My dad died 2 years ago leaving his wife. My mum and dad split up when I was about 4 due to my dad having an affair with her. I’ve never been very close to my dad’s wife but I’ve obviously been pleasant as I wanted to see my dad and understand she was part of that.

My dad was married to her since I was about 6. We were about 60/40 between my mum and dad’s house and we all saw our dad regularly as adults. My dad and his wife also had a child together so we have a half sibling.

My dad’s wife is now ill and needs some care at home. Our half sibling is expecting me and my siblings to help with care. We have all said no for our own differing reasons.

Half sibling is now going round to other family to say how selfish we are as her mum ‘raised us’. We have all had messages to say our dad would be disappointed and saddened.

Are we the unreasonable ones to not care for her? We all have busy lives and responsibilities elsewhere but bottom line is that we don’t want to have to look after her. We have told our half sister she can do it or she can pay for carers.

No way would I be doing amy care whatsoever for this woman.

To not do anything on the basis she is not blood related is heartless. If you like her and have any compassion you would help out. Which is it?

Give over, the OP has her own feelings on her own experiences growing up as she is well entitled to do.

I was in neighbours and relatives houses regularly that doesn’t mean I owe these people a debt of care nor do they me of anything should happen to me.

Care of our own children is an absolute responsibility, care of parents has limitations and is based on circumstances, care of others is a complete choice not something that a person is obligated to do.

I’m a volunteer who works with the elderly in the community and I choose to use my time that way (I don’t chastise people on the internet for not using their free time the same way) how others choose to use their time is entirely their own personal choice

How much time have you spent with her since your dad died? Did the relationship stop at that point?

It sounds a bit sad you're not close to half sister or your Step mum having spent 40% of your time with them from age 6. It's hard to imagine what the dynamic was. But that's a separate issue, no one can make you be a carer.

So when you had the 40% of your time with your dad she never ever looked after you or did anything to care for you?

?

It’s on the basis that I’m not at all close to her and I’m busy with my own life.

Nothing unreasonable or unusual to not want to do care. My dd made it quite clear she wouldn’t be doing any care and is sticking to it. I rarely even get a cup of tea in my house, and don’t go to hers,but that’s her nature. I pay for my care which of course is eating away at any inheritance and there’s likely to be evening care soon. But the care is carried out by people who want to do it and are friendly too. YANBU

Surely it was the OPs father who " broke up the home". It was him that was married with young kids. Why does she get the blame?

Totally not your responsibility, apart from your connection to this woman through your dad she is virtually a stranger who happened, rightly or wrongly, to remove your dad from your own family home.
Let HER daughter care for her and ignore any comments she may be making about you, totally irrelevant.
Nobody gets care as a right, it is a privilege that has to be earned. You reap what you sow in this world. If you felt she had earned and deserved your care you'd be giving it. She didn't and you're not. End of.

I can't believe anyone thinks you should care for her if you don't want to. You don't owe anything to the person who broke up your parent's marriage.

You were selfish enough, sorry I mean too busy to help with your own mum
when she was needing care so I don’t understand why your half sibling would expect any help with her mum,

it is tough being an only child as she is probably having to fork out alone for care but as you haven’t stepped up for your biological mum, I don’t think you are being unreasonable not stepping up for your stepmum

Not in a month of Sundays my lovely….hard no….and I’m normally a bit of a softie x

OP did provide care for her own mum though. It doesn't matter if she did it herself or paid for care.

In all honesty I wouldn’t care for my own mum and I like her, if it’s something like a one off picking something up from the shops for her I’d do it, but otherwise just tell her you have other commitments so you couldn’t do it even if you wanted to (even though you don’t)

She's not your mum, you aren't close to her daughter, it doesn't matter how your dad felt because she obviously didn't build a caring stepparent relationship with you and your siblings.

She's not your problem. Your relationship with her ended with the death of your father. Your half sister can bugger off with the emotional blackmail and bad-mouthing.

OMG you knew her stayed at her and your dad's house from being 6yo & you don't feel anything for her?

YAB extremely U imo. I don't care about blood relatives, it's irrelevant, she's a human that looked after you fgs. Pull your fingers out and help support your sibling.

By the time my half sister was born I was 13 so the age gap meant we didn’t really have much in common. I went to university at 18 so I didn’t spend much time with her. She isn’t my sort of person now.

I think you’re right not to want to offer care. I’m a carer for my mum, it’s hard work and I can’t imagine doing it for someone I’m not close to.

However, I think this thread should also serve as a cautionary tale to all the women out there who are being expected by their partners to raise their step-kids as their own. Don’t put yourself last to raise step-kids, let their father raise them. Don’t sacrifice time with your own families, your hobbies, your career and your free time.

The OP has said that she and her sister paid for things that they could not cover for their mother. Their half sibling will have to do the same for her own mother or find an alternative solution, just like millions of people who are in exactly the same position.

Stop making stuff up.

When our mum was ill, we paid for things to be done that we couldn’t cover ourselves so it seems the obvious solution.

This is not selfish at all.

Yanbu. You do not owe personal nursing care even to your own parents, let alone to someone more distant. Each of us will do what we are willing to do and the elderly person's assets pay for the rest.

I work as a carer and have seen first hand many times just how toxic a situation can be when people are caring for people who they don't love/respect or have a rough relationship with. It's a shame you aren't close with your sister or you might have helped a little for her sakes but tbh getting involved where there is any resentment is definitely something best avoided.

Oh, bullshit. 🙄

Her late dad's wife helped tear up OP's family. It sounds like she did as little as possible for her husband's kids.

And OP currently has a busy life. Home care is extremely draining and extremely expensive. She has neither the time or money to do home care or pay for it for a woman she has no responsibility too.

And, instead of accepting no for an answer, the sister is trying to enlist other family to guilt trip OP and her siblings into home care they don't want to do nor have time to.

Sister will have to deal with her mom. She can enlist those concerned relatives trying to guilt OP. They should be helping out if it's so important to them.

I wish PPs would stop trying to guilt the OP into caring for her step-mother.

Even if it were her own mother, she is entitled to say no for a billiion reasons. The half-sister is being unfair and manipulative. My own DM is 80 and very independent, expected to live another 20 years. I have already told her and my two brothers that if she needs care, we will pay for people to go round rather than do it ourselves or move her to a home.

When she had breast cancer and was very unwell with the chemotherapy she refused my help as she was embarrassed that I would see her that vulnerable. I understand that, even though I was fine about it. And she has agreed that she would prefer to have people come in. We have agreed she will not go into a home, even if we have to pay for 24-hour care because she grew up in care homes as child and never wants to go back.

OP - if you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. No is a complete sentence.