DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

[Writer034]

My DS (almost 14) doesn't want to go on holiday with his dad, my ex-DH, and has twice told him this directly.

My ex-DH is saying my DS has to go, no question. They are meant to go on Sunday. Other people going will be my DD(nearly 16), a friend of hers, two grandparents (ex DH's mum and dad), and ex-DH's new-ish live-in partner and her child (DD, 5).

My DS is asking me to speak to the dad for him as he really doesn't want to go.

I've no idea how to handle this. Custody is 50/50 (informally) and I think my DC are both old enough to decide what they do and don't want to do (DS is almost 14 and DD is nearly 16).

If my DC didn't want to go with me somewhere and wanted to stay with the dad instead, I wouldn't dream of trying to force them.

My DS is giving two reasons for not wanting to go. One, because he just wants to chill at home and see his friends, as I've already taken DC on two trips. (One was a short trip to my home country where they have family they can only see once a year, therefore not 'just' a holiday. The other is the exotic holiday we've just come back from. In total kids have been away with me for 19 days but this was all agreed with ex DH beforehand)

The other reason is that he just doesn't enjoy being with his dad when dad's new GF and her young kid are there (they now live with my ex-DH and the entire dynamic has changed since they've moved in).

Ex-DH is already blaming me, saying this is the result of me having taken them away too much this summer.

What do I do? Do I speak to ex-DH to say DS doesn't want to go, and he should give him a break, as he'll only alienate him if he forces him? If I don't try to speak up for my DS, he'll feel he's got no one backing him up and, honestly, I don't think my child should need anyone's permission to stay at home with his mum - this is his home, even if he's normally here just 50% of the time.

I also feel it's my ex-DH's own fault for this situation because the kids used to have a brilliant relationship with him and adored going away with him. We did 8 years of fantastic coparenting, until he met his current partner; she moved in after a very short amount of time, they now also work together, and everything is focused towards her and her DD(5). My DC have said that they feel like visitors in their dad's house. Things between my ex and me have been very strained because of this (I have tried to advocate for the children), and I'm weary of making them worse, but I also really want to help my child feel supported and stay at home with me if he wants to.

Am I wrong to think he's old enough to decide? Please help - what's a reasonable course of action here?

Except I expect as soon as they arrive, the GF will magically be in the caravan with Dad and the 5 year old. Or worse still, leave the 5YO in the caravan for DD and her friend to deal with.

Someone moving themselves and their small child in with an unrelated man after a short relationship, well, there are questions.

Glad he has decided to go

if has enjoyed previously being away with dad it’s obviating due to gf and 5yr

and Fair enough

he has to share his dad /home and holiday with a 5yr and gf

I would really suggest to ex that next year he takes own kids away and then has a gf/5yr holiday

is there really not any of his friends who can go. Even for A few nights to give him company

If he comes back and says never again you MUST support him, regardless. He seems to be surrounded by people, including his sister., who put everyone else's feelings ahead of his

That said, I hopenhebhas a good time and his reservations prove groundless

You sound like a lovely mum and have a great relationship with your DC.

Keep doing what you are doing and they'll keep coming to you whenever they need to be listened to

If it were the other way round I'm sure you would be upset? As a teenager we don't always feel we want to do things but then actually enjoy them and it creates memories. You can explain to ex how he feels so he's aware and hopefully acts on this, but to say DS shouldn't go isn't fair.

This is terrible advice; guilt trip your kid into considering adults feelings and ignoring their own? Fuck that.

And dad can insist he goes all he likes, short of tying him up and putting him.in the boot with a bag on his head, how dies he thinks he's going to force him?

I’ve been in this scenario op, together with the gf that they don’t like and an authoritarian dad. They put up with it for a while but his rigidity ended up ruining their relationship and they no longer see him (his choice, not theirs). It’s tricky because either scenario is less than ideal.

I think whilst everyone is thinking it is a good thing he has decided to go, I am not too sure

I have been the 14year old, brow beaten to do something I didn’t want to do

The whole group need to be careful about the words they use and remember what they have promised because any deviation from this and the fall out will be huge

For peace of mind I would make sure your 14 year old has a phone and charger and battery pack and enough money to get a train home if things end up going south and him wanting to come home before the week is through

I think your exh thinks he has won. He got DS to change his mind. I wouldn’t be surprised when your DS comes home says he is never seeing his father again

I think it's probably a good thing that DS has decided to go, because navigating changes like this at the last minute can be really difficult. I really hope your son has a good time.

I do think where parents are separated it makes a difference in this sort of situation, because children may not be given choices, but they know there is another option in a way that children with only one home don't. And where one parent is more authoritarian, and doesn't listen to the child, the other parent has to stand up for them and advocate for them - the power imbalance can make it impossible for a teenager to do it for themselves.

Could your son be picking up on your feelings about you ex’s new ready made family? He may feel that to go on the holiday would be disloyal and upset you.
Alternatively he may be worried that his dad will love his new “family” more and is trying to avoid a situation where he feels left out. In both situations you need to put your personal feelings aside and help to reassure him. Tell him what a great time he’ll have and that his dad loves him and that won’t change. His dad also needs to take him for a walk to have a heart to heart and reassure him that nothing could change how much he loves him.

at some stage you may move on yourself and may experience similar issues. This is a time when you need to pull together as a team and help the children to understand that even though parents move on with new relationships it won’t change how they feel about their children.

The dad already loves his “new family” more. That’s why the DS didn’t want to go.

My DD is very, very loyal to dad and a peace maker so she goes along with everything (then she gets mad at her brother, because actually she doesn't want to go along with things but feels that someone has to

I think you need to look after your dd

Trying to smooth over her authoritarian father’s orders and not letting him face consequences of someone saying no to him could actually put others in danger and is probably the reason that it has got to this stage with her brother saying no and ger father not listening

She needs to decide to do what she wants and if that means she says no to her father as well because she has a life outside his new family then so be it.

She also needs to realise that her brother saying No to their father isn’t something she has to get involved with or try to sort out some sort of compromise

This smoothing things over and acting like the fathers personal flying monkey will only end badly as it isn’t working and she is just causing more trouble and she herself isn’t happy

I think she might need therapy to get to the bottom of why she feels the need to put herself in the position of peacemaker, whilst getting angry because she doesn’t want to do what is being asked but feels she and her brother have to. Even though her brother has said no.

It’s in Cornwall - I would suggest he goes for a few days with an open return train ticket to come back a bit earlier than the rest if he’s not enjoying it

I had this for years with my exH. My DDs didn’t want to spend time with him but supposedly that was my fault 🙄 I was alienating him. Mine were younger so he involved the court services but I refused to force my children. They were okay to see him and spend time with him, speak to him on the phone etc they just didn’t want to be away from home … I would speak to your exH if your DS is unable but explain while you can encourage him to go, it’s his job to make it an attractive proposition. He’s prioritising his GF and her child … not his own!

Ok so how do you force them to tidy their room, do their homework or whatever?

You can't!

You can put sanctions in place such as removing devices, grounding etc but if they are prepared to accept that (and many are) then there is nothing you can do about it!

This illusion of control over their kids that some parents have is just that, an illusion! They are humans with their own brains, thoughts, feelings and needs. You may want to force and control them, but unless they are agreeable there is nothing you can do if they say "NO". As the saying goes "You attract more bees with honey than with vinegar", so working with them generally means better results than giving orders.

Maybe raise them right in the first place so they have respect? Just a thought.

Or so they like you enough to want to spend time with you? Just a thought.

I've seen four teenagers through so far, two are now adults in their 20s who actively choose to come away every year so I think I am doing okay, thanks though.