DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

[Writer034]

My DS (almost 14) doesn't want to go on holiday with his dad, my ex-DH, and has twice told him this directly.

My ex-DH is saying my DS has to go, no question. They are meant to go on Sunday. Other people going will be my DD(nearly 16), a friend of hers, two grandparents (ex DH's mum and dad), and ex-DH's new-ish live-in partner and her child (DD, 5).

My DS is asking me to speak to the dad for him as he really doesn't want to go.

I've no idea how to handle this. Custody is 50/50 (informally) and I think my DC are both old enough to decide what they do and don't want to do (DS is almost 14 and DD is nearly 16).

If my DC didn't want to go with me somewhere and wanted to stay with the dad instead, I wouldn't dream of trying to force them.

My DS is giving two reasons for not wanting to go. One, because he just wants to chill at home and see his friends, as I've already taken DC on two trips. (One was a short trip to my home country where they have family they can only see once a year, therefore not 'just' a holiday. The other is the exotic holiday we've just come back from. In total kids have been away with me for 19 days but this was all agreed with ex DH beforehand)

The other reason is that he just doesn't enjoy being with his dad when dad's new GF and her young kid are there (they now live with my ex-DH and the entire dynamic has changed since they've moved in).

Ex-DH is already blaming me, saying this is the result of me having taken them away too much this summer.

What do I do? Do I speak to ex-DH to say DS doesn't want to go, and he should give him a break, as he'll only alienate him if he forces him? If I don't try to speak up for my DS, he'll feel he's got no one backing him up and, honestly, I don't think my child should need anyone's permission to stay at home with his mum - this is his home, even if he's normally here just 50% of the time.

I also feel it's my ex-DH's own fault for this situation because the kids used to have a brilliant relationship with him and adored going away with him. We did 8 years of fantastic coparenting, until he met his current partner; she moved in after a very short amount of time, they now also work together, and everything is focused towards her and her DD(5). My DC have said that they feel like visitors in their dad's house. Things between my ex and me have been very strained because of this (I have tried to advocate for the children), and I'm weary of making them worse, but I also really want to help my child feel supported and stay at home with me if he wants to.

Am I wrong to think he's old enough to decide? Please help - what's a reasonable course of action here?

Can you explain that he needs to speak to his dad about it but you’ll back him up and are happy for him to stay at home?
Maybe his dad can reassure there will be teen friendly stuff.

No court in the land would force this because its unforcable. What is dad going to suggest, that the child is physically restrained to get him on the plane? In the car?

I wouldnt tolerate however my 14 year old refusing to come along on holiday with me. Its a family holiday. Complicated slightly by dads new partner yes.

Is dad planning any other trip with just him and his son/daughter?

Its probably what your son needs, 1-1 time with his dad.

Is it just me that thinks that’s a weird split of the caravans? Especially if DS doesn’t go then DD and her friend could have one alone and dad+partner+child can have one. I suppose with DS there maybe DD friend wouldn’t want to share with him? But wow that girls caravan sounds intense I would have hated that at 16.

Are there any activities that would tempt DS to go? Often there are outdoor adventure type places near campsites and tourist areas, for example. Just having some days doing things that makes sense for him instead of the 5yo could swing it. Worth having a quick look online maybe

I understand what you're saying, but it's a little bit different to how it's come across. The 3 caravan set up is because there are so many people so it was simply split by gender (all girls in one, all boys in another, and then grandparents on their own). My son was meant to have a friend, the way my daughter does. She has managed to find a friend to come along, he didn't. I don't think there was ever any particular intention to spend much alone time (if any) with my son. I could be wrong. They struggle to get his attention at home, let alone on holiday where there will be lots of people requiring extra attention.

I think he should go. Hell be sharing a caravan with his dad, so that's the chance to have one on one with him. Also, if he doesn't want to do an activity, he'll be able to stay there and have some time for himself.

Ultimately, he should do it to spend some time with his grandparents especially if they are getting old. Of course, at 14, he won't fully get why it's important and that one day not too far away they won't be there any longer.

Even if he moans about it, it's likely that he'll look back at this holiday and be grateful he did and had that time with his grandparents.

Dad has said he MUST go point blank. My kids are with their dad right now, up until departure on Sunday. We all live in the same town so my son could just come here of course but I'm unsure how to handle such a nuclear scenario.

My initial thought was that you should definitely advocate for your son, what was your ex gonna do, physically uplift his son and drag him there?

However, after the explanation about the grandparents it made me swither somewhat.

Remind your son about all the more fab places he's gone with his Dad and if he refuses this holiday, it may very well have an impact on future adventures?

Your son doesn't really have a valid reason (which would change my reply) and just think @Writer034 you'd have the house all to yourself. 😉

Hi, if you don't mind me asking, are you a divorced family? I just wonder if things seem easier when everyone is one family rather than split across two.

He's 13, he doesn't get a choice really. I imagine my 13 yo would like to opt out of things, but irs not always an option or in best interests.
He went on your holidays, how would you feel if ex used a court order to stop you taking him. He might decide another time he doesn't like your set up abroad

Unfortunately it sounds like an entire extra caravan was booked with the intention of your son and a friend (that he couldn’t find to come) to come. Otherwise he could have shared with his own parents and saved a third of the cost.

I would encourage him to go in this situation. He will be sharing with his dad so getting 1-1 time there, and spending time with his grandparents (who presumably aren’t the grandparents of the little girl anyway).

Thank you. I'm not sure whether he has a valid reason or not. Is not wanting to spend time with your dad's partner a valid reason enough? Wanting to stay home with your mum? It's difficult. Everything is completely different to a family which isn't divorced because of course 14 year olds come along. But we are two separate families and my DC have two equal homes. Should he at 14 not have the choice between the two? I worry that if my ex DH tries to enforce it he will just make their relationship deteriorate further and my son will resent him even more.

I do agree quite a bit with this . After an extended exotic trip, few people would want to go on a cramped caravan trip rather than relaxing at home and catching up with friends.

No not a divorced family so not comparable really, Im just talking from the perspective of what age group kids get to make decisions about joining or not joining a family holiday, at 14 I think they probably dont generally get a say unless there are exceptional circumstances

Being 'not keen on going' isnt enough in my view, but then Im quite old fashioned

Your son can write his dad a letter, it just gets sent on whatsapp rather than on paper, or do write a paper letter and leave it on his pillow.

It gives him time to compose what he wants to say

Being bullied by his dad will backfire.
You need to have ds's back.
I bet ds not going will make him look bad to his gf that's all.

I think you have to support your son. His father doesn't want to listen to him, so you have to be the parent that does.
The dynamics have changed because of the new girlfriend/young child which your exh obviously doesn't want to accept as the reason for your son's decision. It's easier for him to try and blame you!
Let your son stay with you next week and address the issues with your exh when he is back from holiday and there isn't a deadline hanging over you all. At 14, your son is old enough to have his opinion heard and respected.

Perhaps if you take a united front with dad and explain what others have said as a compromise, that this year he goes but next year he gets more of a choice

I kind of think that's part of it, my ex DH doesn't want to lose face in front of his family. I'm not entirely unsympathetic to his situation, but he has only himself to blame for the drastic deterioration of his relationship with the kids. We've been through choppy waters.

I think you should be honest as to
why he isn’t going. I have no time for people who force random children into their kids lives and expect them to just get up and get along.
He shouldn’t be forced to do 5yo activities- who would want to go on a holiday like that? Be honest and let his father explain how this trip is going to work for everyone

How about he gives this one a chance - the caravan set up should allow for some 1 on 1 time. Grandparents will want to see him (hopefully!)

If it doesn't happen he can say in the car on the way home this is what I was afraid of, you've made no effort to spend time with me, I'm telling you now I'm not coming next year. Then your DH won't have a leg to stand on, as he has had the opportunity to prove DS wrong and not taken it?

Is there a compromise to be had- could he go for a shorter amount of time and you pick him up? Or could his dad promise there would be some one on one time - maybe book an activity just the two of them? Would his sister and friend include him in their activities?

We are a divorced family- on the one hand I wouldn’t force my DC to go with their dad if they didn’t want to, but on the other I think if they have agreed to something they should
do it and think about the other people involved, especially
grandparents and the sister.

And if he hadn’t of wanted to come on your holiday to see relatives?

yrs I am divorced and do not get on with my ex

I don't have 50/50, I have 99.9% of care but - my line in the sand (and written into the child arrangement) is that the children have to agree to any contact. My feeling was always that the children had to have someone who was absolutely on their side, and know that I would always come and get them if they asked.

Having said that, this was mainly for when they were young and the relationship was being re-established after he left for 18months. It's a bit different now they're teens, and different again with 50/50.

If my 14 year old said he wasn't coming on holiday with me, I would make him, because he's too young to stay home alone, and his dad wouldn't have him, and his older brother and I shouldn't have to miss out because he's a grumpy teen who wants to sit on his computer all day. But it's a different circumstance to going on holiday with a dramatically younger sibling and dad's new partner.

If he doesn't go, it's going to affect the relationship. I would have preferred to have this conversation privately, face to face with him, but I would make sure he's clear on that, and if he is clear, that it's going to blow up all sorts of issues, then I would have his back.

Thirteen year old boys are well known for being able to put forward their view articulately and persuade a forceful, domineering authority figure to change their mind.

Ooooops, no they aren't.

I think he should probably go this time as he’s got accommodation with his dad and it might be good for their relationship. DS could use it as an opportunity to talk about how he’s been feeling a bit pushed out. If he hates it then he can decide that this is his last holiday with his dad for now.

I think he needs to just go. He was happy to go in the beginning when he was going to try to bring a friend. Unfortunately, its towards the end of the summer and he is tired and wants some time at home, also he couldn't find a friend to go with him. We all agree to something then when it comes around we regret speaking up in the first place. The right thing to do is just to suck it up and go. Being uncomfortable is something we all have to do from time to time. Tell him next time he should say no, but this time he said yes so should honor his commitment.