DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

[Writer034]

My DS (almost 14) doesn't want to go on holiday with his dad, my ex-DH, and has twice told him this directly.

My ex-DH is saying my DS has to go, no question. They are meant to go on Sunday. Other people going will be my DD(nearly 16), a friend of hers, two grandparents (ex DH's mum and dad), and ex-DH's new-ish live-in partner and her child (DD, 5).

My DS is asking me to speak to the dad for him as he really doesn't want to go.

I've no idea how to handle this. Custody is 50/50 (informally) and I think my DC are both old enough to decide what they do and don't want to do (DS is almost 14 and DD is nearly 16).

If my DC didn't want to go with me somewhere and wanted to stay with the dad instead, I wouldn't dream of trying to force them.

My DS is giving two reasons for not wanting to go. One, because he just wants to chill at home and see his friends, as I've already taken DC on two trips. (One was a short trip to my home country where they have family they can only see once a year, therefore not 'just' a holiday. The other is the exotic holiday we've just come back from. In total kids have been away with me for 19 days but this was all agreed with ex DH beforehand)

The other reason is that he just doesn't enjoy being with his dad when dad's new GF and her young kid are there (they now live with my ex-DH and the entire dynamic has changed since they've moved in).

Ex-DH is already blaming me, saying this is the result of me having taken them away too much this summer.

What do I do? Do I speak to ex-DH to say DS doesn't want to go, and he should give him a break, as he'll only alienate him if he forces him? If I don't try to speak up for my DS, he'll feel he's got no one backing him up and, honestly, I don't think my child should need anyone's permission to stay at home with his mum - this is his home, even if he's normally here just 50% of the time.

I also feel it's my ex-DH's own fault for this situation because the kids used to have a brilliant relationship with him and adored going away with him. We did 8 years of fantastic coparenting, until he met his current partner; she moved in after a very short amount of time, they now also work together, and everything is focused towards her and her DD(5). My DC have said that they feel like visitors in their dad's house. Things between my ex and me have been very strained because of this (I have tried to advocate for the children), and I'm weary of making them worse, but I also really want to help my child feel supported and stay at home with me if he wants to.

Am I wrong to think he's old enough to decide? Please help - what's a reasonable course of action here?

My ex went to a family lawyer re contact they said the child can choose after 12.

He's 14, he needs his Mam to stand up for him.

How far away is the caravan park? If it’s not too far can you comprise? Say he should go for the first couple of days to spend time with his Dad and the. If his Dad agrees you could pick him up midway through.
At 14 he is of an age where he should be able to choose within reason.
Our 13 year old will quite often choose to sleepover with other relatives rather than come camping with us. We usually compromise and drop him to Grandparents for a night or 2 and then drop him down to the campsite to do the remainder.
That way he has to spend time with us but he also gets 1:1 time in comfier surroundings! He’s not big on camping but the rest of us enjoy it, so we have had to come up with a solution to suit everyone.

MN hates step parents and so this will be colouring the responses OP gets. I think if there were no new partner and the situation was a mum wanting to take 13yo away on a caravan holiday after dad had taken them on a foreign holiday and was now insisting son doesn’t want to go, people would be defending the OP. 13yo doesn’t get to opt out of family holidays. It sounds like he’s going to reluctantly go as he’s already with his dad. I think you should leave them to sort it out.

Wow, I'd listen to my son. My ds won't spend time with his dad, if my exh had a gf and child I'd never expect him to tag along to that.
Your ex shoulve organised a one to one trip with him only.
Thd caravan thing sounds shit , and itsgonna rain.

Stick up for him , just say no !

My DS absolutely didn't want to come on holiday with me, his step dad and dad at his age. He knew he had no choice. He went and spent a lot of the time moaning and being a pain most of the time. Not only he never resented me for it, he now talks fondly of the things he did manage to see and some of the fun time we had together.

I disagree that it is different because it's not a family holiday. It IS a family holiday, his dad's family. Ultimately, if he really hates it and decides not to do it again next year, it might fair enough, but this year, he still needs to be told that that's that.

So ds wanted to go initially?

If that the case then I would be saying nope you need to go.

Id be encouraging him to go purely to spend some time with his grandparents.

My advice to estranged parents has always been they need to make their children choose to spend their allocated time with them because they want to, not because a Court Order says they should or because they are being forced to.

It seems this young man no longer wants to spend significant time with his father if father’s new partner and her child are there too, especially in a holiday environment where he possibly won’t be able to get away from the very people he doesn’t want to spend time with.

How you facilitate that OP could be difficult, but I do think you should be there for your son. His father needs to understand that children who are forced into doing things they have genuine reasons to not want to do will possibly rebel in one way or another. If your son knows you have his back then he’ll turn to you but if he feels you aren’t supporting him he might turn against you both and in a worst case might go off the rails, run away, whatever.

All children need to know where and with who they feel safe and loved, especially the children of estranged parents.

My feeling is that your ex is focusing on the wrong issue. The holiday is a red herring, yes it would be nice for everyone else if he went, but it’s only a week in their lives.

What your ex is failing to acknowledge is the deterioration in the relationship and the damage his relationship is having on his son. That’s not to say he needs to move his girlfriend and her DD out, but he needs to be sensitive to his children and their feelings and work through it with them. He can’t just force them to be happy, it doesn’t work like that.

Ultimately, I think your son needs you emotionally. The relationship he has with his dad will play out over the next few years and that’s highly dependent on his dad and him. Not you. You can’t control this, all you can be is a listening ear and a support to him when he’s feeling sad.

I think I’d explain that to your ex. That you want nothing more than them to have a wonderful holiday together, but that your priority is the long term emotional support of your son and therefore, you won’t be pushing him either way. You’ll simply accept whatever decision your son makes. If your ex can’t see that, then there’s bigger issues and perhaps your son is right to want space from him.

I have a son 15 a bit the same. I know if this were him he wouldnt want to go. I think a big issue is the nature of the holiday. Im sure if it was somewhere a bit more exciting or he had a friend he would want to go. At the same time it puts you in a difficult situation as you dont want your son to be sad and they pur it on you to fix and you feel guilty.
If it were me i would say gosee how it goes and if there is a problem i will pick you up.

I would say to the ex, DS doesn’t want to come on the holiday, therefore he is welcome to stay with me instead. I would say to DS, of course this is your home and you can stay here.

It may seem complicated it’s really really simple when you boil it down to what matters.

If your ex wants a better relationship with his children he has to put better effort in. It’s not your job to compensate for his failings.

Why are you rounding up his age? Is it because you think it'll change the way people respond?

If he's turning 14 in the next few days it might have been relevant to add that, but he's still 13. Why can't you just admit your kids are 13 and 15 until they're not?

Shame he doesn’t have a friend to take with him like dd does

also shame ex couldn’t go away with just his kids and not gf 5yr

totally different ages and wants and needs

It sounds like even if he hadn't been already been away with you, he still wouldn't be wanting to go on this holiday!

Personally I think at 14 he should be able to choose.

Do you live near enough to ex that ds could just come to yours without having a whole debate with his dad about it?

It sounds like he needs some open conversations with his dad about how things have changed. This holiday situation is a symptom of all that really so as well as the holiday there is the bigger picture too of how both kids feel about the change to his living arrangements.

This should not be portrayed as an argument about the boy not wanting to go from home to watch dad with his new girlfriend. Dad has already lost that one.

It is now a battle to force the boy to obey dad's orders against his will.

Not a wise battle for a parent to create. He might win, once, but this will not create a positive father son relationship that perhaps he fantasises about.

He just doesn't want to lose face by being seen to have a son who doesn't want to holiday with him. Force this one and it may never happen again.