DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

[Writer034]

My DS (almost 14) doesn't want to go on holiday with his dad, my ex-DH, and has twice told him this directly.

My ex-DH is saying my DS has to go, no question. They are meant to go on Sunday. Other people going will be my DD(nearly 16), a friend of hers, two grandparents (ex DH's mum and dad), and ex-DH's new-ish live-in partner and her child (DD, 5).

My DS is asking me to speak to the dad for him as he really doesn't want to go.

I've no idea how to handle this. Custody is 50/50 (informally) and I think my DC are both old enough to decide what they do and don't want to do (DS is almost 14 and DD is nearly 16).

If my DC didn't want to go with me somewhere and wanted to stay with the dad instead, I wouldn't dream of trying to force them.

My DS is giving two reasons for not wanting to go. One, because he just wants to chill at home and see his friends, as I've already taken DC on two trips. (One was a short trip to my home country where they have family they can only see once a year, therefore not 'just' a holiday. The other is the exotic holiday we've just come back from. In total kids have been away with me for 19 days but this was all agreed with ex DH beforehand)

The other reason is that he just doesn't enjoy being with his dad when dad's new GF and her young kid are there (they now live with my ex-DH and the entire dynamic has changed since they've moved in).

Ex-DH is already blaming me, saying this is the result of me having taken them away too much this summer.

What do I do? Do I speak to ex-DH to say DS doesn't want to go, and he should give him a break, as he'll only alienate him if he forces him? If I don't try to speak up for my DS, he'll feel he's got no one backing him up and, honestly, I don't think my child should need anyone's permission to stay at home with his mum - this is his home, even if he's normally here just 50% of the time.

I also feel it's my ex-DH's own fault for this situation because the kids used to have a brilliant relationship with him and adored going away with him. We did 8 years of fantastic coparenting, until he met his current partner; she moved in after a very short amount of time, they now also work together, and everything is focused towards her and her DD(5). My DC have said that they feel like visitors in their dad's house. Things between my ex and me have been very strained because of this (I have tried to advocate for the children), and I'm weary of making them worse, but I also really want to help my child feel supported and stay at home with me if he wants to.

Am I wrong to think he's old enough to decide? Please help - what's a reasonable course of action here?

Why are you trying to make your children sound older than their ages ? They are 13 and 15 - don’t get this purpose of the nearly 14 and nearly 16 description?

@Writer034 , It sounds really hard. I would suggest to ExH that he rakes DS out somewhere, go for a walk maybe, to talk through DS's concerns and ExH really listens with an open mind.

There may be a way that his dad can reassure him about the holiday, but that won't happen if he is being so combative.

I can see why he doesn't want to go.

Sibling has a friend.

Is his dad really going to spend a lot of time with him when his partner is there?

You're not being unreasonable. Please tell your son he is welcome to come back to you. Or go and collect him. I know it will blow up with your ex, but you have to back your son. He doesn't want to go and he's out enough to make his own decision on this one.

I would encourage him to go this time. It's not just the GF and young child. It's grandparents also and he will get some 1-1 time in the caravan with his dad. Teens often have to put up with doing things to accommodate younger or older family members and, at that age, to go on holidays they might not choose because they are not old enough to stay home. I am divorced so not saying this from a nuclear family perspective. I would be sympathetic but say to go this time and then communicate in advance of next year.

Can there be a compromise - that your DS just goes for a weekend if its in the UK?

And that the weekend is focused on the teens, not the 5yo for a change.

If your son's view is really as strong as you hint, I would be concerned at the possibility that he leaves the caravan park or goes to their reception begging to leave. He is certainly old enough to run away.

If you read all the OP's posts you'll see the initial plan was for DS to take a friend. Unfortunately he couldn't find anyone to go with. Shame. If he is so desperate to stay at home to see his mates it's a pity he couldn't manage didn't try to persuade one of them to go with him.

Sister, dad, grandmother, grandfather all are his family. Grandparents are getting older this may be the last opportunity your son has to spend time away with grandparents
That's 4 people he is closely related to.

3 others will be there (one is a friend of his sister - he could have taken his own friend)
I would same it majority family.
He will also be in a caravan 1:1 with his Dad a great time to catch up and re - connect.

By your updates if this was a holiday abroad - your son would be going - this holiday is less exotic than dads usual holidays. Your son sounds spoilt and ungrateful for refusing a holiday just because it's less exciting than previous ones.

In your shoes I would be encouraging your child to go for so many important reasons.

A conversation before you or dad gook next year's holidays would be better. But a trip in Sunday is booked and planned around your son attending

At nearly 14 your DS’s views carry significant weight, and forcing him to go on this trip could damage your relationship with him, not to mention his relationship with his father. He’s still young enough to need adult support with something like this so don’t leave him on his own to sort this out with his father

Your ex is putting both of you into an extremely uncomfortable position. Try and draft a reply that isn’t emotive but point out that you can’t physically force your DS to go, if he’s refusing.

Apologies if you’ve mentioned this but how long is the trip?
A couple of days/a week? I’d be advising him to suck it up and set his own firm boundaries for “next time”

Anything longer I think I’d be saying to DH “look, it’s up to you how you deal with this, but I’ve had a chat with DS, I’ve tried to reason with him but - heads up, it’s not you (well, it is but🥴) - it’s the dynamic. He wants to spend time with you and his family and not to play second fiddle with another family.
Either force him and ruin your relationship with him or accept it and arrange some time with him on your own or with DD and GPs next time - don’t say you haven’t been warned”
Your DS is me when I was 14…. I went very very low contact with my Dad because he didn’t budge 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh goodness yes, of course 🤦‍♀️ OP saying that her children are nearly 14 and 16 is the main issue!!

How long is the holiday for? Does your son like spending time with his grandparents? Is there any conditions where he would go (eg if his dad promised them a couple of days out just him his sister + friend).

If you think he could be persuaded then I'd speak to your ex and say you're trying to persuade him to go and your son is worried about x and y and you think it would help if he promised a and b. I'd also refrain from saying anything about the neq partner or her child e.g. don't say he doesn't like the dynamic of doing things for a 5 year old but that he misses 1 on 1 time with his dad, time with just his dad or sister, or teen led activities. I'd also (if possible) suggest he can go for just a few days and find a way of getting him home if he wants to half way and that might take the pressure off. If your ex doesn't play ball, then you tried your best and he won't compromise so it's on him

My god who cares???

I personally don’t think you should get involved. Tell your DC to talk to his dad but you can’t intervene as it’s his dads time with him. I think you’d be pretty livid if you had planned something and his dad came along and overruled you. What makes you the ultimate authority I suppose. He’s equally his parent. I get your DS is unhappy and I think it’s fine to say you’re happy for him to stay home if his dad agrees but I don’t think you should get to make the ultimate decision

Thing is, he is equally the parent and the issue is happening on his time. If you butt in now, then expect him to feel he can do the same next time you and ds disagree. I would suggest it is for them to sort out between them, just as your relationship is cultivated on your time. If his dad pushes the boy away, it's on him. I can't see any way that intervening will go well for you.

Yes I agree. I dont agree with the posters saying 'back him up'. Its like people think OP should take 'sides'

How would people feel it was appropriate if the dad kept 'backing his son up' when OP's son was refusing to do things she expected him to do.

13 year olds don't get to opt out of family holidays. You just go. At the worst you are bored for a week. Your DS fundamentally doesn't want to go because he has been travelling for three weeks, he's tired and he wants to see his friends. Unfortunately part of the cost of splitting up is that your kids end up having to spend time with each parent (rather than one lot of joint family/holiday time). It's not your ex's fault that he has him at the end of the holiday and is doing a less exciting trip. Expecting DH to go isn't abusive or authoritarian, it's just what families do. Such a lot of drama! No wonder your DS is picking up an opportunity to refuse. You should be encouraging him to go and explaining that holiday time with both parents is really important for his relationship with mum and dad. Unfortunately you don't get to decide who is part of your ex's family now.

Is it viable for your DS to go for part of the trip?
Could his Dad put him on a train or you collect him if it is as bad as he fears? I would probably encourage him to go and think about his GP too.

Ia there anyone like a family friend that could mediate between them? Get your son to talk to his dad about his feelings and get his dad to listen and compromise rather than lay down the law

Be honest if you were still together DS at 13 wouldnt get the option to not go.

Hes not saying dads awful to him, hed just rather play with his friends. I think you should try and help DS reconnect with his dad

Poor lad. It makes sense… I think this is a matter of when, not if, he will stop going away on holidays like this. Even if he did go this time - as he gets older, my guess would be he’s going to want to go even less. His dad’s new girlfriend, a 5 year old, grandparents….on a caravan site. Not really a teenage boy’s idea of a good time. Perhaps he feels a bit spare as well. Not sure what the right answer is here - you’re kind of going to be seen as the bad guy whichever approach you take. Perhaps you can help your son write down on paper, in an email, or something to read out - how he really feels - what is really bothering him… to tell his dad.

I agree.

Sit them down. Make DH listen. Explain to DS that he should spend time with his dad and GP but support your DS in his decision if it's to stay home.

If they were still together, OP’s son wouldn’t have to put up with his father’s girlfriend and her 5 year old’s needs dictating the whole holiday.

He's 13/14 - he goes on the holiday.