To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

I'm sorry, I should have been more specific about what the parameters are in which I think an imbalance is okay. Is that better? I can do you a list of other caveats if you need?

Oh and I said "such an imbalance" if you want to be 100% pedantic. I'm not suggesting that all honouring of families has to be entirely split down the middle and that any deviation from that is absolutely wrong. OPs family were represented in all of the child's names, even the least sensitive ILs might raise an eyebrow at that.

And your kids have your DH’s last name. That’s a massive imbalance. Nothing pedantic about it. And you don’t think that’s eyebrow raising.

I don’t think I’ve been antagonistic, but you seem oddly worked up that I’ve pointed that out.

But if they had my last name that would also have been an imbalance. Do you think we should give them all different names?

The only way to avoid that imbalance is to double barrel, which has its pros and cons. However, I don’t have an opinion on what you should have done. Not the point of my comment.

Again, I’m pointing out that you said you wouldn’t be okay with an imbalance, then went on to describe an imbalance, which you’re okay with. I’m not saying you’re wrong and that you should have done X instead. I’m just inviting you to reexamine your position.

Except I didn't say that I wouldn't be okay with any imbalance at all, I said with "such an imbalance" so like when every name comes from one side of the family.

You've really honed in on one of the words I used, and not the sentence I put it in or the wider explanation.

Our names are too long and too similar to double barrel btw, and then when they have their own children it gives them fewer options.

Last names are used considerably more than middle names. So, arguably, your imbalance is greater than theirs.

The sentence was I wouldn't have felt okay about having one child with such an imbalance. I’ve done the opposite of honing in on one word or sentence and addressed the entirety of That said I would have made sure to honour people from both sides of the family. All my children have their father's surname (not mine) first names we chose together and the middle names are from grandparents on both sides. I wouldn't have felt okay about having one child with such an imbalance. In fact our PFB DS is named after DPs grandfather because I really wanted his parents to feel included, they'd recently moved abroad and his mother was struggling with being away from us. That’s very much weighted towards your DH/his family.

Also, all names can be double-barrelled and it doesn’t give kids fewer options, as they - like you - can choose to do whatever they want when they have kids (use one from each parent, like millions of Spanish speaking people; go with a full set; choose an entirely new name). They’d have all the options you had, plus more. You didn’t want to, so you didn’t. That’s fine.

I didn't know you had a weight system in place for name balances.

I have three children, two of them have a family name each (DPs surname and a middle name from my side) and one child with a middle name and surname from DPs side. I have made that clear. It's really not so unbalanced. The middle name of DS being after DPs grandfather was my idea.

Obviously I could have double barreled the names, but it would have been a last name neither of us liked. Plus as much as I could have invented any surname for my kids, and so can my kids when they have kids, it's easier to incorporate single names into something nice. That's how I feel.

If I had double barreled the names then there's still an imbalance and then both of us would have disliked the sound of the surname. Why is that better?