To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

Sometimes people just need to be told straight how it is. I wouldn't worry about it. She will live.
But do take my comment with a pinch of salt because I am from a culture where we don't constantly tip toe around other's feelings at the expense of our own wellbeing.

God people are so precious about first babies! This is a tiny thing in a long life, yours, your baby's and your MILs. It's just not worth falling out over.

It's fine to say "well, that's the name and we're happy with it" and change the subject and she was wrong to criticise you for sure, as it's your decision but you are also being very emotional and a bit unkind imo. But this is mumsnet and most people will probably tell you YANBU and to go NC with her!

Traditionally the 1st born son took paternal line names so if MIL is old fashioned she was maybe expecting that. Her problem not yours though.

However, as you say your baby your name choice although, I would maybe double check DH isn't secretly disappointed his forename isn't in there somewhere if you maybe dominated the name choice and he just went along with it to keep the peace.

I wouldn't be apologising to her btw, sounds like her hen pecking understandably tipped you over the edge.

Have we now gone back to telling woman to stop being emotional just for have an opinion? And, we’re still telling women to be kind?

She's out of her lane. It's ok to steer her back into hers and bluntly if she don't shut up. She doesn't have naming rights and her complaining about it makes you want to usher her out.

She had her kids and named them or agreed to names. Now it's your turn.

She was really rude to bring it up. The name is decided and her job is to support you all - not stir trouble. Well done for standing up for yourself

Whatever her private feelings your MIL should have kept her mouth shut. It’s nothing to do with her. However, it was slightly thoughtless that if you were deliberately going to give your baby your father’s name, to also honour the grandfather on your side too. It’s a bit tone deaf.

She’s out of order to harangue you so soon after you’ve given birth. She’s not bu to want her sons name to be part of her grandsons name though. If I were her I’d dis cuss it with my son, to explain we were hurt at being excluded.

I can see why it sits poorly to honour one side of the family but not the other.

This is why my children were given their own names.

Because babies are precious! This is her motherhood and experience. She can be as emotional as she wants about it.

OP is not being unkind either. MIL has gone on and on about this. She’s newly postpartum, it’s a weird thing to harass a new mother about.

YANBU. She should not have kept going on about it. You did good to put her straight.
Maybe now she will wind her neck in. 🤞

I think you’ve handled it well. You’ve made your point, your husband tried to smooth it over and hopefully your MIL will back off a bit now. She will have realised it’s different being a grandparent to parent. Sometimes I think it’s tricky if you have that ‘matriarch’ figure for them to realise they aren’t the leaders in this situation, you and your husband are.

Hopefully it will all be fine now, dynamics set. Or it’s just riled her in which case- sympathies 😂

You were correct. Sometimes people need to be told directly.

It serves her right for going on about it.

It's your choice, hope they are the conventional spellings, but would say that whether or not your MIL or anyone else had tried to interfere.

Glad you and your DH chose names jointly.

Of course it's up to you what the names are, and she doesn't get to criticise your choices.

That said I would have made sure to honour people from both sides of the family. All my children have their father's surname (not mine) first names we chose together and the middle names are from grandparents on both sides. I wouldn't have felt okay about having one child with such an imbalance. In fact our PFB DS is named after DPs grandfather because I really wanted his parents to feel included, they'd recently moved abroad and his mother was struggling with being away from us.

As long as you and DH agree then its nobody else's business

Your post is confusing however. You said you'd never give your child an old fashioned name but then said it IS an old fashioned name? And Agatha is definitely an old fashioned name imo (it is pretty though)

This, Both names were after your family?? Could you not have added a third name after his family?

This isn’t the first time. We do not seem to ever get on she doesn’t like anything that I do She wants to constantly be around our son he’s just been born give us a bit of time to get used to being parents. My husband has taken 3 months off work so we can spend time bonding with our son. We don’t need his mother at the house all the time.

The kid already has 4 names! One of which is their surname. No more names needed

He has his fathers surname.

You’ve just had a baby, it’s ok to snap! Sounds like she pushed until she got a response. He’s named now, she can’t change it so moaning about it is a waste of breath.

Anyone decent will respect that this baby is yours and your husband’s and that you both get to name him.

Hopefully she’ll stop now!

Congratulations!

Perfectly fine. She named her children. You and your husband name yours. She needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself.

Dh needs to put in boundaries regarding visits. This time is precious and you won’t get it back.

When I became a grandmother I could have spent all day every day with the dgc but I wouldn’t have intruded in that way.

It's lovely that you've honoured your family in such a way. They must be delighted that you chose your sons name to reflect your side of the family.