To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

Her feelings are not your problem. She needs to back off. You are under no obligation to tiptoe round her and mollycoddle her because it’s “unfair”. It’s good you were firm and abrupt as otherwise she will escalate and take the piss about more and more stuff. She needs to understand your boundaries now.

Tell your husband to have a serious word with her and tell her to stay away if she can’t be respectful.

It isn’t really precious to choose the name of your baby is it now?

I think you responded in the same spirit with which she criticised your choice which is fine. But I do feel sorry for MILs. When your son grows up and has a partner - do be mindful about the cavalier and offhand way you’ve sidelined her.

(And yes, cue the response that when that time comes you’ll be nothing but goodness and light compared to her flawed self - but sometimes we are human and messy - don’t let this damaging moment set the future path you take with your in laws).

In what way has she been sidelined?

I was about to post this. Agatha is really old fashioned. The naming baby to honour relatives is also quite a dated practice isn't it?

Yeah you were being unreasonable. Not about feeling irritated by her comments - it's annoying and none of her business - but telling someone to do something that is very likely impossible for them is always a dick move. If you wanted to say 'he's my son not yours', fine - adding the 'have one of your own' is unnecessary.

I made a typo / not explained properly. We prefer older names.

She got to name her son; you get to name yours!
If you and baby’s dad are happy then that’s it. End of story. She needs to put a sock in it.

I assume that your MIL was able to choose your DH's name? She does sound like a pain in the arse. Tell her that the more she behaves like this, the less time she will be able to spend with the baby because she is just upsetting you on purpose. If she can't be supportive, she won't be welcome in your home.

I mean telling her to have one of her own isn’t great is it. I can see why she was really hurt by the name choices, but she shouldn’t be telling you that repeatedly.

It’s your and your husbands decision and no one else’s. My ex MIL was the same. We named the child after her own husband (middle name) and gave him their family name. Me or my family completely unrepresented. She kicked off because her side of family weren’t included and wanted quote ‘her daddy’s name’ to also be included. She said ‘you need to include both sides of the family’ as in her and her husband’s. My ex said nothing

Don't understand why she needed to go about it . Did she think if she complained that you would suddenly decide to change it to suit her . I do find it hard to understand her motive , voice her disapproval and alienate you ? You will never forget that she did this. But in future , let your DH deal with his people .

I just don’t get why she is obsessed. She has other grandchildren but hardly sees them even when they were first born. DHs brothers and sister are all quite confused but just highlights that DH is the favourite. I don’t want her to contaminate my child. He’s not even fully 3 weeks old yet

I think Op has sent a very clear message to her in laws that their opinions and feelings are irrelevant and will not be considered in the future.

You can name your son whatever you want and she can be upset by the names you have chosen.

Naming your child after other people always going to end up with someone being upset.

I understand her feelings, you're honouring your family and not your husbands. To me this implies that you think your family is more important than his.

I firmly believe that if the parent of an adult has a problem she or he should raise it with their side of the couple.
I had MiL disagreeing with a decision we made about nursery in COVID and she sent me link after link to articles "proving us wrong". I forwarded them all to DH to deal with.

Why would their opinions and feelings about the naming of their grandchild be relevant?

Obviously totally your choice what you name your child but I can see it feeling a bit one-sided having both names from your family. That’s likely what she’s really upset about but doesn’t want to say and that’s why she’s criticising the name.

She’s definitely rude to make comments and bring it up all the time. But you were rude to snap and not just bite your tongue until she left. I get it though, postpartum is a tricky time.

You could both be doing more to try and preserve family relations long term. If you care about that… which maybe you don’t if you don’t want her hanging around!

‘Contaminate’ is very over the top. Although the rest of your points are valid, you loose moral high ground by talking about people like that. She’s over stepping but she just loves her family, she’s not a disease

But also yours, so not really.
I'm not saying MIL is right, but 2 names from your side of the family and also your surname. She may be feeling a little hurt, like husbands family are less important. Which is valid but doesn't really give her the right to express it either.

Clumsy of you to honour only one side of the family!

This.

She needed telling.

However despite you and DH both agreeing I can imagine it’s hard for his mum to have the GC born to him being named maternal father maternal grandfather. No acknowledgement of his family on the name.

Not saying you’ve done anything wrong but I think we are quite often conditioned now to look at peoples behaviour without considering their motives and reasons - which need to be acknowledged to move forward.

I say well done you. She pushed and you pushed back. The dear child is named and that’s it. Start as you mean to go forward with MIL. If she’s pushy this won’t be the last thing she wants a say on. YOU are the mother the wife and it’s your home.

I’m a MIL. I wouldn’t comment. Their child, their choice.