To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

As long as you AND your husband are happy with babys names, then no one else needs to be involved.

I think your DH needs to tell his mum that the names were chosen primarily because you like those names, not just simply because they are names from your family.

He also needs to ask his mum to call him before coming round to check if it's okay, and to limit visits to a couple of times per week whilst you are finding your feet and enjoying time together as a family.

I dont think you are wrong to have expressed frustration when the topic came up yet again, but I do think your DH needs to stand up to his mum so you dont have to have any more discussion of it with her.

This isn’t about a name really though is it. Your mother in law sounds a nightmare but you’re not covering yourself in glory with some of the things you’re saying Op.
Hope you sort your family dynamics, enjoy your new baby .

I can see why MIL could feel a little upset about it but she shouldn't be voicing that. You may have been best saying it's yours and DHs baby and up to the 2 of you what you name your child. The saying it's "my" child and "I" will name him probably plays into her thinking it's all about the maternal side of the family.

The words used in that particular post took me aback a bit, it’s an extreme way to speak to somebody. Which is why I asked if those were the exact words used, the op might have been being a touch hyperbolic given she’s quite clearly been having a frustrated rant throughout each post.

Absolutely insane that she thinks she should have been consulted.
I’m also willing to bet that she isn’t happy
about your DH taking time off to be more involved with his child. MIL strikes me as that sort.

I’m a bit of a call a spade a spade person and that’s the sort of thing I might say if pushed, but I think that even if my husband had been fully on board my sense of fairness would not have let me go with using two names that were special to my family. No matter how much we liked them
Despite agreeing 100% that it’s for the parents to choose the names they want for their baby I can understand why MIL might be feeling a bit miffed in the circumstances, All the more so as it seems that the OPs family is not hiding its delight- a baby has 2 parents and doing what the OP and her OH have done gives the impression whether it’s intentional or not that one side of the family is being recognised more than the other.

Fair enough. We just think baby is too young to make a decision on whether they can be on social media and so on. Hopefully we raise a young man that will know that he’s his own person his decision is his. If he’s not hurting anyone DH and I won’t really care we want him to live and enjoy his life he owes us nothing as long as he always tries his best and take on opportunities. She was also upset that we didn’t want her to pay his fees for prep school we’ve got that all saved up.

She paid fees for one of her grandchildren and after that kept using it as leverage, they paid her back and told her to never ever make a comment on how their child is being raised.

Yep she’s not happy. She finds it weird. Says we are indoctrinated and woke etc. It is all kind of off. She told him that’s my job etc. A lot of her views are quite patriarchal and misogynist. There’s only one way to do things any other way to get is worrying.

Sounds exactly like mine! She also hates that we don’t need her, so she has nothing to hold over us. She also hates that my husband took a lot of time off work when our kids were babies. She very heavily implied that it was because I hate my own babies!

He’s in the picture he’s a bit more relaxed that her. He did remarry and his wife is amazing, she respects boundaries, doesn’t anrgue with us about posting our child on social media, doesn’t and lets us make choices about our own lives without interference. She has grandchildren and you can tell her children adore here mainly because she just lets them get on with their own lives and make their own decisions she doesn’t tell adults what to do. I think it upsets MiL because even the other grandchildren adore her.

Yep what really annoyed me was when she said to him. Why the baby barely does anything X (me) can’t be that lazy. This was right in front of me. I just chose to ignore it and DH was quite upset and told her it was time to leave.

Dont worry. Its quite the in thi g now to go for a really old fashioned name although ive not come across any Algernons yet.

I am a few years ahead of you in terms of the baby and MIL journey. I can say from my
experience that you should prepare yourselves for her getting worse. We generally ignored the awful things that MIL says, but she got ever more outrageous just to provoke a reaction.
She’s a really old bitter woman who is not liked by anyone, in a strange way I almost feel
sorry for her.

This. It’s very sad. Those poor in-laws are going to be well & truly pushed out of this child’s life

She is a bitter sad old woman who has pushed away all her children. DH is pretty much the last one standing. DHs father remarried and has a great wife who I get on very well with. Our son won’t miss out of grandparents, both my parents are excited to be part of his life. It’s just so easy to just not make ridiculous comments, not post minors on social media, and respect boundaries.

You said he has doubled barrelled?

Of course it's going to look like a snub when you named your son after 2 members of your family and none of your in laws! One would have been fine, but 2???

Yes well the names were chosen by DH and I. The surname included DHs family name and my family together.

I asked if he wanted the middle name to be his fathers he said no. We were always going to name our son names we both like. I didn’t just decide on the day he was born by myself we talked about it. As well we had no idea whether our baby would be a boy or a girl till we met him.

Why is it odd to just request for your boundaries as parents to be respected. My parents can do it, DHs father and step mother can do it. They’re all similar ages give or take 3 years it’s not as though there’s a generational gap.

Ok fine but if you are going to be so emotionally unaware/ unbothered then of course it's going to cause offence. A few comments is the price you pay! It was a snub and she's hurt.

Honestly are people really this obtuse?

I guess I’m obtuse I don’t see it as a big deal if she is that hurt. She should go try see her 7 other grandchild whose parents don’t even like her. She’s just a bitter old woman who wants to nitpick at everything and judge.

She cannot even respect her grandchild by not posting minors on social media. Yet acts like she cares about his name when she doesn’t care about his safety whatsoever or the concept of children not being able to consent.

Did she attempt to come and visit today ?

My MIL tried this shit and even suggested another name she thought more suitable!

I said "Ok thanks for that" and put the phone down on her (was COVID era)

MIL can fuck right off.

Wow.

We chose a first name that we liked and picked a 'family name' from both my husband's and mine, that we liked, as middle names for our son.

You have picked a first name and middle name, both from your own side of the family, but nothing from your husband's.

The surname is irrelevant because you're double-barrelled it to include yours as well as your husband's.

I can understand why your MIL is hurt. Your husband's family has been sidelined with regards to names, in favour of yours. You must have both realised that your MIL would be at the very least miffed? She should have kept her opinions to herself though, because regardless of her feelings, it's still you and your husband's decision, not hers.

If your husband didn't want any family names used from his side, then he needs to tell his Mum this! 'Mum I am perfectly happy with X and X names that we've chosen for our son. I didn't like or want any names from our family. I appreciate you may not like it, but it's what it is'.

Your MIL has absolutely no say it what you choose to call your child. She can be disappointed/not like the name, but that's it.