To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

Mumsnet is a strange place sometimes. There are daily threads of women asking for help and advice on being assertive and posters telling her to be blunt, rock solid boundaries and not caring about the boundary stompers feelings and yet here is a poster finally doing just that and everyone is calling her unpleasant, mean and horrible and poor mil. The Op is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. I certainly wouldn't have anything nice to say about an entitled cheeky fucker who causes problems for me.

As for the posters saying to compromise and use a name from the paternal side how blind are you all 🙄 the OP has repeatedly said her husband wanted to use her dad's name. She asked him if he wanted to use his dad's name he said no. How much clearer can she be!

Personally @TwinklyPoster I think your mil is very manipulative her "its not fair" and "its her family names" comments is a manipulative tactic to divide and conquer you and DH.Those comments are basically saying to your DH what about our family name so he'll fight you on it and have you two argue over it when what mil really means is "I want to choose" and would put her suggestions forward as your husband's idea instead.

You have restraint because I would have said much worse to mil over the name comments. I honestly find it bizzare that people think they are entitled to a say on what other parents name their children especially family. I haven't been keen and even disliked names my friends and family have named their babies but I wouldn't dream of saying so to them I always replied what a lovely name regardless of whether I like it or not.

You sound like you're at the end of your tether with mil I'd completely distance yourself from her it will really help with all the negative feelings she causes.

There isn't much you can do OP to stop mil she will never change and you can't control her behaviour but you can control your reaction to it.

I would wait mil out until she has exhausted every attempt and tactic at controlling you and runs out of ideas which she will eventually.

Think of it like this. When playing tug of war what happens when you stop pulling and let go of the rope? No one wins if you don't tug back. Treat her like a tantruming toddler. Ignore the tantrum do not engage. Don't react, don't show her emotion or that what she has said and done has got under your skin.

Literally no reaction and if you do keep calm and say it as a statement of fact. If she brings up the name " ok bye mil" send her home or put the phone down These types of personalities don't just push boundaries they test them to see if you will engage your spine or allow them to trample that boundary. Also never say anything about your feelings on something thats giving them ammo. Statments of fact, calm no anger and it will shoot her down in flames because if you don't play you can't lose. These types of personalities hate being ignored and they hate it even more when you don't take their bait.

The misogyny and contempt is really alarming

I think some of these replies are mad.

It doesn’t have to be fair, they do not have to consider naming the next DC after his side of the family and nobody has the right to be honoured in OP’s children’s names.

As long as mum and dad are happy with the name that is all that matters. Absolutely ridiculous to act like OP and her husband have done something wrong, her DH didn’t even want to name the baby after his father.

Good for you!
I'm glad DH and you are in agreement - MIL will just have to suck it up.
Best wishes to the three of you.
xxx

She shouldn’t have mentioned it because ultimately it is your decision but I can see why she’s upset that both names reflect your side. I would have chosen one name from each.

If she’s at your house constantly DH needs to address this.

YANBU she needed telling and it sounds like you’ve told her a million times already and she clearly isn’t listening so maybe being blunt will do the trick. Not her baby not her choice on the name. I wouldn’t worry about whether you were too blunt with her that’s the route you probably need to take with her just telling her straight in no uncertain terms to shut up. Sometimes blunt and straight to the point is the only way to get through to people like that. Congratulations to you and your DH

I think it’s a good thing and you YANBU.

MILs like this are hard work…you’ve put her back in her box and can get away with the rudeness more this close postpartum but having been so abrupt she might have got the message and back the fuck off and think twice next time she wants to give you an unwanted opinion.

Hopefully you've done yourself a favour. If not next time tell her just as bluntly you’re surprised that she’s more concerned with her own opinions than forming a positive relationship with her grandson and surely she can see the more she makes herself unpleasant company the less she will see him.

Apparently, although you know that your husband is perfectly happy with the names that you have both chosen for your baby, this poster obviously knows better that, in reality, he is absolutely distraught that you haven't chosen names to 'honour' his side of the family.

Your MIL sounds utterly dreadful and she is lucky that you have any sort of relationship with her. Ignoring all her other grandchildren but obsessing over your baby because your DH is the 'golden child' is not the behaviour of a normal, loving grandparent.

Your answer has nothing to do with my post, it is once again another rant about how much you dislike your MIL

Of course you were not out of order. She needs to learn to wind her neck in. Please also nane your next child after your side of the family if you choose to have one. Don't reward bad behaviour.

She finally met her match now she tries to pretend she wants a relationship I do not. My life will be the same if she disappeared

I was all ready to be on your side until I read all your comments. No matter who’s right, you sound very unpleasant. She’s met her match? Think about that. I reckon you’re more alike than you think.

You reap what you sow. What if your future DIL treats you like this? Says you’re boring; she doesn’t want to be your friend; she thinks you’re a waste of space?

Yes, it’s your baby so you choose the names, but there’s no need to be so sneeringly unpleasant and ageist.

I presume that it will be your side of the family?

At this point OP your DH really clearly needs to tell her that she isn't welcome and stop letting her in at the door.
If she isn't respecting either of you, he needs to be the one to do it as it's his parent. You've said he feels the same as you.

Misogyny to wish that she had acquired skills and not relied on a man. I actually feel sorry for her and it’s been a motivator for me so to be honest she has made a difference in my life. Showed me exactly who I do want to be at that age. Let people make their own choices about this own lives.

Now in her 70s she has nothing better to do than bother us and get in the way constantly pretending she wants to help knowing I gave birth not even a month ago.

Not necessarily. There’s no written rule for what we name our children

You do not need to be friends with your MiL at the very least cordial and respectful I don’t owe her a friend or better yet anything. Same way If my son meet someone his partner will not be required to be friends with me. I wish always respect his choices. I hope to live a life where I have things going on and won’t need to obsess over DiL or SIL.

You do not need to be friends with people you do not want to be friends with. Once again consent and choice. She’s been rude to me from day one trying to tell me what to. If my own mother doesn’t tell me what to do why is some random woman that just so happens to have given birth to my husband telling me what to do. That’s the only thing we have in common and that’s okay we don’t need to have things in common or even be friends.

Have to say I find it really awkward reading how one sided your baby name is at honoring your family. Do you consider your family a risk of “contaminating” your son? Or is that just paternal family? I’m guessing you don’t like mil or paternal family which I’m sure is valid but your poor son is being raised with two parents and two family connections and you have snubbed one side. This must be hurtful for mil. However is for your DH to deal with not you as he also agreed baby’s names.

I think your approach with MIL was evidencing that you don’t really like or have time for her. Blaming your post pregnancy hormones is plausible however let’s be honest your post screams disdain for your MIL so you were just letting out your true feelings. Bugger anyone else’s feelings…

Our son has 5 grandparents DHs family is very much involved just his mother who doesn’t seem to understand that no means no, we have boundaries and a child cannot consent to being on any form of social media. All we’d like is to get to respect our choices as parents. DHs dad and step mum somehow can grasp that idea, my mum and dad can too. It’s just DHs mum that refuses and thinks she has a say.

Her feelings do not matter to us she is manipulated and uses tears as a weapon. Once you get to 76 and you’re still fake crying then there’s something wrong. She got upset with her son for pointing out that she’s “crying” but tears aren’t coming out. Normal well adjusted people do not do such things. Not saying she cannot be upset about our decisions but also they’re our decisions she needs to learn to respect them. She had not learnt anything from her 7 other grandchildren whose parents see her as just manipulated and avoid her as much as possible. No parent goes out of their way to stop a child from interacting with their grandparent. She’s been warned on so many things given chances she refuses and with me she will not be doing any of that. My son deserves to be cared for and respected not used a pawn to get back at her children who have set clear boundaries.

The more this goes on, the more deeply unpleasant you sound @TwinklyPoster

I’d love to hear the MIL’s side in all of this because I’m not convinced she’s the problem here, tbh.

Why is everyone here thinking you have to be friends with MiL I’m not missing out on anything trust me. I don’t have to be friends with anyone I can be respectful which I have tried to be big she keeps disrespecting my boundaries. DH has a step mum too who I get in very well with.

There’s 3 sides to every story my side is of course going to be biased but I’m guessing all her children are the problem too then since my husband her youngest son is the last one who is able to tolerate her. She had 7 other grandchildren some of her children don’t even pick up the phone when she calls to start disrespecting or pretending she cares about then then goes back into her old ways.

Then yes all her children are the problem and she isn’t since they all try very hard to avoid her. Luckily I am not her child therefore her opinion will never matter it’s a shape she can’t grasp that.

Go easy on yourself, OP. It sounds like your MIL has been repeatedly needling you about it. It’s none of her business and she knows that.

If she mentions it again, ask her if it was her mother in law who chose her son’s name. Doubtful.

'She finally met her match now she tries to pretend she wants a relationship I do not.'

Exactly, just what I said!