To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

Allegria and Flossie are pretty

Would be Aggie I assume.
Again up to the couple or individual.

Yes for sure. But Agatha is an old name

So?
You may find it 'ugly' but other people may not. The OP and her husband clearly don't. It's nothing to do with you.

Both the babies first names were from her side of the family.
Yes, but you also said, 'Only one side of the family was included', which is clear isn't actually the case if you read and understand the whole post, is it.

Yes quite. I just disagree that it’s not old fashioned , and after that it’s nothing to do with me but I’m entitled to my opinion and I’m sure many others would think the same

@TwinklyPoster

Do your husband and his siblings have "family" names? If so, are they balanced between your MILs and FILs famliies?

Does your MILs name reflect equal sides of her family?

@Auroraloves

OP has clarified that she does prefer old-fashioned names.

Whether you think it is ugly or not is entirely irrelevant.

Why would you assume she is widowed, when the OP has said repeatedly that she gets on great with FIL and StepMIL? Who do you think she is, Doris Fucking Stokes?

I have no idea who Doris F…..g Stokes is. You seem very upset about it. Can I guess you don’t like older women?

Not at all. I can't abide people who don't read the OPs posts before commenting utter bollocks though

Flossie is pretty bad and is more suited to a rabbit, Tabitha is lovely. Nothing wrong with Agatha. Allegra I could take or leave. Anyway, that is my two penneth 😁

If I remember rightly she was a ‘medium’ who became a bit of a celebrity in her older years. I haven’t heard that name for many years.

Er... she has written rather a lot of them. I agree I did miss this detail, although I have read all her numerous posts. I still can't understand what you're so worked up about. You 'can't abide' people missing a detail? How on earth do you get by on MN? You must be in a permanent rage.
My opinions may be 'utter bollocks' in your view, but I'm still entitled to them and they happen to coincide with a large number of other posts.
In fact, I think this is the worst example of MIL bashing I have ever seen from the very many I've read on MN.

You must be so fun at parties.

the way you speak about people I'm not surprised that she doesn't like you. I'd be more surprised anyone does.

Yes, I’ve noticed that op clarified that on updates. Thanks.

i think there must be a certain demographic that likes these types of names.

this might be part of bigger picture of your relationship with your MIL? Did you not maybe think using only your male family names might be a confirmation of your determination to double down on an existing sore? Has there not been a string of these kind of strops between you? If she can just come round then she’ll be near enough to call on for childcare and other help…your husband and your child need you to not have a war on the front.

I have three DC, all three have middle names after family members, two are mine and one is DPs.

The difference is that we named DS to include people who were distanced by circumstances by having recently moved abroad. I wanted my inlaws to know their side of the family mattered to us. My DM was over the house all the time, and taking DS for walks, reading him stories. All the things MIL would have loved to be doing. I did all I could to make it as even as possible, I even planned DS's first solid food to happen on a trip to PIL's, and I let MIL feed him it.

I want, and am lucky to have, a large doting family for my now teen/tween kids, and that has involved compromise and empathy, trust and good faith. Would they do things differently to me sometimes? Yep. Did it matter in the end? Nope.

All my children have their father's surname (not mine)

That is the ‘imbalance’ to which I was referring.

Oh so it's just the surname? With regards to that, that DP has a sister who is childless by choice. He felt a duty to carry on his family name. I have three siblings, there are loads of little people running around with my surname. It's not so important to me. We did have a discussion but it's not something I care about massively. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother changed back to her maiden name decades ago. It's not a big deal to me.

OP's MIL pretty much pushed herself out of her child's life when she employed nannies to look after him and then sent him to boarding school at the age of 8. That certainly doesn't scream doting mother to me.

Studies show that being sent to board school at such a young age can have a life-long negative impact on these children.

All totally your choice, obviously, but you’re essentially agreeing with me. You’ve described an imbalance in your DH/his family’s favour. And you’re apparently fine with that, but not the reverse.

I said in the first line of my first post that it was OPs choice, but you have to see the difference in me trying to include people who are less involved and OP literally telling her MIL to have her own kid? It's the weaponising of children that I object to.

You're looking at these decisions as if they are without context.

And I also said it was your choice. You’ve both made choices. I’m pointing out that you said you wouldn’t be okay with an imbalance, then went on to describe an imbalance, which you’re okay with.

The fact that you think your imbalance is different because (insert reasons) doesn’t change the fact that it’s an imbalance. OP also has reasons why she thinks their imbalance is fine.