DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Yes, I was almost 36 when I had my first, and 39 when I had my second. Get out now. Find your own happiness, even if that means sperm donation.

Yes I did at 34! This is my first time posting here but my word I couldn't leave this. Bless you and I am glad the majority of replies have been kind and helpful.

I was also in a similar but not exactly the same situation when I was 29/30 except I was with an older man who absolutely did NOT want children. I really wanted it to work, I was so scared of being single again. We loved each other but kids is a massive deal breaker. Then we broke up and to get me back he reluctantly agreed to have a kid but even after a few months I could see it was pure manipulation. I walked out and it was the BEST thing I ever did. On so many levels we were wrong for each other.

5 months later at 31 I met the real deal. We married and I had my first baby at 34 and my second at 37. We are happily married 10 years now.

I know it's daunting and I know its going to hurt but in the long run, its whats best and I think you know it. Don't do what I did by falling for it a second time. When people show you who they are, believe them!

Big hugs and best of luck!

I would think twice before getting together with a man wuth young children. In a lot of cases it says little for his character

I agree. At 39, he should be looking for a woman closer to his age who already has children, so they are on the same page. If he doesn't want any more children, he shouldn't be dating a 29-year-old who has made it clear she wants to start a family.

So, even though you had NO CLUE what kind of time the OP spent with her NVDP's children, even though she mentioned it more than once, you felt it perfectly okay to castigate and denigrate her so you could sound all "holier than thou". Got it.
Hypocrisy strikes again.