DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

I totally agree with this.

Any change of heart would purely be manipulation. Walk and keep walking.

I would end it and move on. You’re young and will find someone more suited.

Thank you, I needed to hear this 💔😓 he claims that he was always being truthful about wanting more kids but I don’t believe him.

I know that this is completely unreasonable and I probably need therapy, but he knew his ex for 2 months when they had their first unplanned pregnancy, and their second was also unplanned. They obviously made it work financially and we are in a much better position now than they were at the time which adds on to the hurt 😭 that he experienced this with someone else in a chaotic way but doesn’t want it with me.

And after a divorce you have no children. Stepchildren owe stepparents nothing and often move on quockly as they have parents.

Very few women would give up the desire to have children for a man. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him! It means she’s biologically programmed to want children, like most women (not all, obviously, but the vast majority).

maybe he's realised he is getting older and has less energy and doesn't want to do it all again.

Why "maybe"? According to the OP that's literally part of what he said.

You say they made it work financially.

I see a man that didn't even go to the effort of family planning..

Trust me, you aren't losing a Prince, you're dodging a billet, however crap it feels now.

Urgh these sleazy second time around men should stay the hell away from child free young women and free them up to meet decent young men their own age to start a family with. I would make this illegal personally.

Thank you. I do love him very much but I’m grieving the future I thought we had together.

I met dh at 27 so not much younger than you. It’s not too late but it will be if he strings you along.

Oh that’s so heartbreaking awful and desperately disappointing.
my heart goes out to you.
He cannot and should not deny you the chance of motherhood. That is too cruel.

Tell him this is a dealbreaker for you.
Dont let him play with your feelings. He cannot be on the fence.
IF he says he’ll change his mind, decide if you trust him not to have a secret vasectomy.

Honestly very few of us are really cut out to be with partners that have children from previous relationships, especially at your age. It hurts and I get that dating can really suck but it's better to cut this loose now.

You’ve only been together a couple of years and don’t actually live together yet. You’re still in the honeymoon phase, it’s not really love, yet, and he’s now told you that he doesn’t want more children.

Time to go. Sorry, but at least he has told you before you have shared finances etc.

He isn't on the fence, he just wants you as a nanny with a fanny. He wants you around, but on his terms. That simply isn't fair.

That's not to say he doesn't love you. But you don't want the same things and therefore are not compatible. Please leave so that your options for your life are your own.

She's now 35 and divorced. And no children.

You really are only 29. I know it's hard and I know dating is rough, but you've just got to end it.And try again.

Several young women on my netball team have had break ups late twenties and they’ve all met new partners. I think it’s an age where quite a few long term uni relationships break up before they actually marry so there are people looking for spouses.

Sorry he's done this. It's a deal breaker and you will need to be firm on that. Tell him it's over and you won't be moving in as your life plans are just too different. I know it feels devastating now, but honestly, men come and go. A child is entirely different. No way would I give up having my own child to do the drudge work of raising someone else's. You deserve better.

Honestly
he wants you to be a 2nd mum to his kids
share the load as such
he’s given and said enough to initially convince you that he wants kids

now it’s getting more serious and your thinking of moving in together he’s thinks your committed enough to carry on

if you have a baby with him be prepared to do everything for that child
he will say you wanted a baby you deal with it
so you will probably find that you will still be expected to pay bills when on maternity leave

buy all babies stuff
be pretty much a single mum
he won’t want to contribute to nursery fees
he won’t do pick up and drop offs

He will not do anything willing for this baby
he will say he only had it to keep you happy

Did anyone here have their first child after 32? 😢 I’m just thinking that I’ll probably need at least a year to get my head around this, and then I guess at least two years before an engagement. That’s assuming I find a half decent man which is close to impossible.

Even just thinking of being with someone else is crushing me. Sorry, I know that mumsnet isn’t exactly sympathetic to the man-pining but I’m really struggling tonight.

Break it off. Delete his contact details and block him on everything. Move on quickly.

And I don't think he loves you that much. He said what he needed to say to get what he wants. You are young, naive, convenient.

You are young enough to change direction to ensure you build the life YOU want, not the one he wants you to settle for.

He is within his rights to say he can’t face doing it again. But you should leave now; he’s not likely to change his mind. You deserve to build a family with someone who is as enthusiastic as you, not end up doing his job raising his kids without your own.

You know what you need to do. Listen to what your soul wants, don’t just settle for what’s easiest in the short term. If you don’t live together yet, a breakup is clean and easy.

Thank you. Tough love but I need it 💔

Ouch. Bit harsh.

32 isnt uncommon today. Don't worry about that.

As others have said just walk. Why would you stay? Don’t let him steal these precious years and run the clock down. If children are non negotiable for you then find your perfect man who wants them with you.