DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Move on. Find someone else maybe with no kids already

You know what you gave to do. And that’s end it. Yes it will be hard. But this is not the future you want.

At least he has been honest. Although he has an absolute nerve expecting you to raise his kids for him.

My advice is to end it asap and go no contact. It will be easier to heal. Sending you strength

You’re young enough to cut him loose and find someone who wants the same things. He won’t change his mind.

Thank you for the replies. I’m absolutely heartbroken. We are a great team and never argue. I just don’t know how someone can change their mind like this after being so certain just a few weeks ago.

You're only twenty nine. Move on and start again with a man.Your own age who doesn't already have children. At least he's told you now.

A colleague of mine went through this and he didn't tell her until after they were married.

Your poor colleague, I can’t even imagine.

I don’t feel like I’m ‘only’ 29. Dating is terrible and it’s rare to find a man now who wants commitment. I feel like this was my chance and now it’s gone 😢😢😢

Why would you even waste time with a guy who already has kids in the first place at your age? Blended families are a nightmare. Plenty more fish in the sea and you're young enough to find a childless guy to have a family with. It'll be so much less complicated for everyone in the long run. I never understand why childless men and women get together with parents when they want kids of their own!

You’ve already made your decision, at least he’s told you now I suppose.

Everything you have said is right and completely reasonable. You know you want to have children and so that’s that really, sad though it may be it’s not as sad as not having children when you want them.

The future you want is not with this man

I wouldn't stay under those circumstances.

Leave him OP! I was in your shoes & stayed thinking he would change his mind! He didn’t!
I have no children.

This is a deal breaker for you. Leave now! Do not trust him if he claims to have changed his mind. He will change it back to suit himself.

At 29 you are young with lots of love and life ahead of you. I hope you find someone who wants to have children with you soon. My friend was single when she turned 30 and had her first baby at 32.5. Life can take quick turns.

You know now. He doesnt want the same things as you. Don't let him future fake you and waste anymore of your time. End the relationship and walk away.

He wants all the benefits of fatherhood and as little of the work as possible. He wants all the benefits of a relationship with the @OP and none of the work that would come with more children. He wants to foist as much of the existing work as possible on the OP.

You'll suffer more if you stay with him, OP.

I'm so sorry to hear this but I think you know what you have to do. You'll regret it so much if you let this take up much more of your time. I agree that it was shitty of him to get you doing his daughters homework with them and then ripping the chance of children of your own with him away. I know it doesn't feel like it but you really do have plenty of time to find someone who you love just as much but wants the same things you do.

Also if you really loved him that much you'd give up having kids. If you can't do that then there's your answer-kids are more important than this man so go have them with someone else.

His family is complete-maybe he's realised he is getting older and has less energy and doesn't want to do it all again.

Move on. Don't spend your time raising his children.
He won't change.
He has a nice life with 2 kids.
He doesn't even need to do homework with them...

I’m really sorry 😢😢 realistically, he won’t change his mind. He can tell I’m about to walk and still says he is on the fence 💔 can’t stop crying.

Your chance hasn’t gone! You are young.

Don’t go out with anyone else who has children already. It will all work out.

It’s good that you haven’t moved in with him yet at least. He’s a CF moaning at you to do more with his kids, knowing you want your own and him knowing he doesn’t want any more. I wouldn’t stay with him, you are easily young enough to find someone else closer to your age to start a family with

He told you he wanted kids to get you on side. You were on side.

The he wanted to move in and you said yes.

Now he has the green light to move in, he's walking back the kids.

The kids he wanted, then didn't want, because it was your fault for not being involved, he was too old, he was too tired, yadda yadda.

The mistake you're making is thinking he was ever honest. He said what he needed to say to get what he wants. Cold facts.

You do know that women in bad relationships get there like the frog in boiling water, right? It's not always bad. If it was always bad, it would be easy to leave.

I was previously married to a man who unilaterally decided this. I was so stupid for staying around as long as I did when I knew this. I was so angry and it ate away at everything good in our relationship.
min the end I decided I’d rather have him than children and then he sadly got cancer and died, so I got neither. Life is better now, and although I wish he was still alive and well and never had to go through any of that, I wouldn’t want to be married to him.

Biological parents love their DC unconditionally, they think if you love them you must love their DC but forget you don't have that deep inbuilt connection they do, for you looking after DSC is no substitute to having your own. Time to move on Op

Move on from this relationship. Each to their own, but there’s no way I’d become a stepmum at such a young age. The fact that he wants you to dedicate yourself to his kids, while having none of your own, is absolutely dire. Find someone new to build a family together. You’re young and you have options.

And have a word with yourself, he has two kids he doesn't see half the week and rather than being desperate to soak up every moment he wants someone else to dilute the work.

How.often does he pick them up, go to parents evenings, take them when they're ill, cover holidays, do things 1:1 with them that take effort and planning? And thats who you want a baby with?