DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

Please don't try to change his mind, if you end up pregnant he will resent you either directly or in secret ad the relationship will probably end.
Move on and meet someone else who is committed to having a baby with you.

A close friend of mine married her husband who had always said they would have children. He fannied about, making promises, followed by excuses, and eventually left her on the day they were to exchange on their house. Her child-bearing years were wasted.
Don’t let time take away yours.
Good luck x

I gave birth at 35, having only met my husband when we were 30.

Honestly, having your first in your 30s is very normal now.

Do not persuade yourself that you have to settle for this poor excuse of a man because finding another partner seems daunting.

((hug))

He already has two children. It's really sensible for him not to want more. Especially as the children he already has are young and are still going to need a lot from him.

He was very selfish to keep you strung along though. The majority of humans end up having children. He ought not to have got involved with a childless woman without really, seriously thinking this issue through

Edit to add I know SO many women who had their first mid to late thirties. You absolutely do have time.

I'm going to suggest a different reason for his change of mind .

Could it be that he's seen you not engaging with his children and think you may be the same with your own and it will be left up to him . It's just a thought but may warrant a conversation as it seems very close to him saying about your attitude to your future step children ?

So you ignore his kids when they are they & don’t show any kind of maternal side to them. He doesn’t see you as a mum that is why he has changed his mind, he sees how you treat his existing kids

time to move on

I'm more worried he'll actually be ok to have children with you, if you give him an ultimatum, because I think he'll just dump them all on you.

From all practical viewpoints this seems to be ticking so many boxes for him and very few for you.

Are you going to be in a house that has your name on the deeds?

If anything happened to him what would happen that house?

He gets someone who will share his bills and someone who will share childcare with ..of the children he already sees only half the time. ( Some cheek asking you to do their homework) Men can be romantic at times but they are also, sometimes horribly, coldly, pragmatic when it comes to their needs and wants.

If this were a business deal ( no romance involved) you would not settle for it for yourself, you would look elsewhere.

What is in this for YOU?

If you leave now at least you have a better chance of having a child than you would with him.

Although it doesn’t seem like it, be glad he was honest. Do not have children with someone who is not committed.

I had two dc with a lazy and selfish man who left when they were small and as he walked out of the door, he said, ‘I never wanted kids.’ I said, ‘You should have told me.’ Those words have rung in my ears ever since.

No point trying to convince him or believing him if he says he has changed his mind. Best to move on as soon as possible.

Yes, at 34, 38 and nearly 41, so you have time yet!😊 My first husband decided he didn't want children, after having agreed🙄 So I couldn't stay with him, met DH 4 years later, it can work out, there is hope🧡

It might not feel it but 29 is very young and you have time to find someone new. I understand it is devastating but honestly he has done you a favour. So many women find themselves in your situation at 39 and it us harder

His is horrid. I had someone do this. I broke up

I said you’re able to have your kids but I can’t have kine

i wanted kids and i couldn’t let it go

my kids are the best people I know and my hof I wouldn’t ever ever ever not do that route

Good grief. I take an hour on Sunday mornings to relax and scroll or read a book!! Have you read any of my posts?! These kids snuggle up to me on the sofa, I buy their favourite foods, I’ve helped them academically because neither parent prioritises education!! If that doesn’t prove I’m ’mother material’ I don’t know what does!! So no, that’s not the case!

Thank you for sharing. I feel so guilty for thinking it, but this is how I feel. Him and his ex were both so careless with contraception and had known each other a couple of months and they had two children in less than ideal circumstances but for me to have a baby with him there is a whole host of issues he has to address first before he’ll consider it 😢 I know it’s not a reasonable line of thinking at all, I’m just hurt.

You sound great but he is being very selfish - it seems like he’s got you hook and now you’re seeing the real him.
This happened to my friend - married older man with teenage kids. She agreed with him that they wouldn’t have their own kids, now she is 55 and he died last year. She literally is alone in the world as regards a family. She has many regrets now.
You are only 29 …. there are good men out there.

OP has explained time and again that this is not true - read her comments! Jeez!!

Exactly! Posters just don’t read properly clearly! OP has shown she’s wonderful to her partners DC.

OP, I wonder if he did genuinely think yes to more children in the beginning but now the realisation of starting all over again at his age is something he just doesn’t want to do. Positive is at least he’s told you now and though it’ll be heartbreak it’s best to end it if your desire is to have your own DC.

you’re young you’ve got plenty of time for new love and to have children 🩷

Oh my goodness. Have you read all her posts?

Sorry - he thinks you should be doing their homework etc with them? You're not their mum, not even their step mum - you don't even live with him. HE should be playing the part of parent, not you. Is he actually a good parent? This makes me think no. If he's not, would you really want kids with someone who is not the most amazing dad?
He's told you now he doesn't want more kids, if you do then leave.

So the OPs partner who is 39, has kids because he wasn’t careful and had only been with his partner for a few months when she fell pregnant?

Going by the age of the children, he would have been well into his 30s then. A grown responsible adult. Not an immature teenager.

So having his children by accident into what was a short lived relationship with his ex ?

Hardly a ringing endorsement! He doesn’t sound like father of the year does he ?!

He doesn’t sound like a great parent, I wouldn’t be so keen to have a baby with him anyway; you’d be doing all the work. Example: you said he doesn’t prioritise education, but then he said you need to step up and do things like homework with his kid (so he wants u to do it, so he doesn’t have to!!).

But hes reeled u in; he wants to continue the PT dad set up and is roping you in to take more responsibility so he can hand over the reins more often! Open your eyes OP, and think carefully before moving in and continuing this relationship. Put yourself and your baby dream first; it can and will happen (but maybe not in your current situation)

Break it off OP! There’s no future with this one, even if he backtracks to make you move in he’s spoken honestly about this and you don’t have the time to waste!

Different scenario but I finally left my abusive ex at 30, had a few fun, single months, met my now DH at 31, married at 34 and pregnant six months later (although we had been trying for 3 years). I had my first baby at 35 and my second at 37. DH and I have been married for 10 years next year. Neither had kids when we got together.

There you go! It’s possible!
There’s no need for most people to start getting stressed because they haven’t popped out the kids before their 30th birthday, but if the plan is to leave it later, staying as healthy as possible as long as one can is not a bad idea.

I’m so sorry but you are young and you know
what you want, he doesn’t want the same thing, so you need to end it and don’t waste any more time with someone who can’t give you what you want.

i am a step mum and it’s incredibly hard at times, putting up with someone else's
parenting choices and having no real say in anything, whilst being expected to drive them around, cook for them, wash their clothes, put up with their bad behaviour, and then not
really getting any of the rewards of actually being their parent. When your step kid is kicking off and you don’t have the parent/child bond to get you through it, that’s very tough. They may even choose to not have a relationship with you at all when they are adults. I do it because I love their dad. I did not want my own children and it’s hard enough. if I was expected to do all of this whilst also being denied my own children, I’d say that would be unbearable.

My experience was similar but I was with a man I loved who said he didn’t want kids but “might change his mind”
I fell for it for 6 years and then finally left at age 31 as I knew it wasn’t going to happen. It was hard and I doubted my decision for a good year.
Then I met someone else. Engaged at 33, married at 34 and first child at 35.
my marriage isn’t always great but I don’t regret a thing. My kids are my everything
I would make the same decision over again.

in comparison, my best friend was with a man who didn’t want kids. She loved him and stayed with him. He left her when she was on her 40s. She is devastated and very bitter that she gave up children for him

Think about where you could be in 5-10 years time. What would you regret the most?