DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

But if the OP is wanting to live with, marry and then have a blended family with this man surely she needs to get to know and be involved with his kids?
Different if she was just dating him with no plans to marry or become step mum to his kids.

I left a relationship at 32 where I was with a man that I loved very much but whose family values did not align with my own. I was scared as well because we had been discussing children and if I left I had to start over.

After a while I started dating again, and in my case I was more strict about only dating someone who aligned with what I wanted for the future.

I just had my first baby with DP at 36. It’s a little later than I would have wanted, and we might have to rush it for baby number two, but my family dream came true.

I see now that it wouldn’t have worked with my ex-partner, I would be a single mom by now, with a VERY difficult coparenting relationship as well. I did love him very much, but we were not compatible at all.

edit: typo

This sounds so heartbreaking for you to have come this far and to have been told this.

I'd recommend not moving in together, it's now make or break time. At least he's told you now and not in a few months or years time.

Obviously having your own child is a deal breaker for you and I have no doubt you would regret it if you didn't have the opportunity to have your own children.

Have you had a discussion with him about this? Since he dropped the bombshell?

Sounds very much like it is time for you to move on, as lovely as he is, he just can't give you the life that you want.

A close friend of mine was engaged to someone and ended it when she was 37. Then met someone else she really loved and they had a baby when she was 39. They are really happy.

It’s far from too late for you

I had my DC at 38, you have plenty of time. Get rid of this lying twat of a bloke, you will be just fine.

He’s awful. He’s tricked you. He probably knew deep down that he didn’t want more but just hoped he could keep you any way.

Hes stolen 2 years of your life, put your heart through the wringer, robbed you of 2y of your fertile window. I’d be very very angry.

Lesson for you though, probably best not to get involved with a man with kids. There are lots out there who got kicked out as they’re manchildren all of them. Wives couldn’t take anymore. Divorce and shared parenting makes them understand their responsibilities that they didn’t understand while married. It’s time to grow up love and be more pragmatic and focused.

Love is great in theory but we have to give it the best chance. Go for someone clean with no baggage. It’ll give you better chances. I’m sorry you got your heart broken but it’s not too late.

I do think too that often you start to know around the 2y mark who someone really is if they’ve been faking. You start to see them revert to who they really are. He showed you his expectations of you when he “sat you down”. I find that shocking. He’s their parent. Not you… already the nanny/fanny was starting. He’s not the man you thought he was.

He lied to you I. Order for you to agree living together. Then quickly changed his mind because he didn’t actually meant it! That’s very manipulative of him. He wants you to help him parent his children, but you can’t have any because he needs you to “do his job without distractions!” Honestly do not live together and break up. You can meet someone better but not if you’re still with him. My friend spent 20 years with her boyfriend. He had children with an ex and promised to have one with my friend. He lied and did not ever agree to sex without protection. He had an ultimatum and admitted that he never wanted more. They broke up and she had 2 rounds of ivf. Unfortunately she was unsuccessful as she was 41, her eggs were no longer viable. She’s very bitter and angry towards him as she wasted her fertile years with him. Just get rid of him because you know you can do better.

This is pretty much what I came to say.
He told you what you wanted to hear and now your moving on he knows you will be planning kids now he has to back track and he was never serious.
The comments about not doing enough for /with his kids. Tells you everything he can’t be arsed and was looking for you to take over for him .
OP it’s been 24 months move on he isn’t worth it. He isn’t who you thought he has tricked you and lied.
Be thankful he has now shown a you who he is. You deserve better. .

I had my 2 at 37 and 38. With someone I shouldnt done, because I was worried about leaving and not findibg anyone ekse, when i was younger.

PP is right. You ARE young. You have lots of time

I met my now dh just before I turned 31. We have 2 kids now my 1st when I was 36 and 2nd at 39. Not what I had planned in my mind but I never met anyone who I truly wanted to be with for life. Not saying its easy but my kids and dh are my everything.

Have not RTFT & numerous people will have said this no doubt but it's a funny old thing how he mentioned this AFTER he moved in.

He 'found the baby stage hard'? Looks like he found the 4 and 6 stage hard too, but then he roped you in, didn't he? 😒

Wait till he finds out about teenagers...

Run

It sounds easy for your partner , he’s got two children already and has a partner ( you OP) over a decade younger with her own place and good salary job.
It sounds like he has best of both worlds. Also , he has a failed relationship already , something obviously went wrong for his ex and him to split.

His comments about you not doing enough for his kids are a bit of a concern , what are his expectations ? They are his priority , not yours.

If you do have a child with him, he might be doing it just to make you happy but believe me this won’t end well in the long run. He’ll also have his children in your lives forever, and how will you all cope with your own child in the mix?

Blended families are complicated , but you don’t have to put yourself in the situation.

Very different situation, when I was 25 I dated very briefly a woman in her 30s who had two children , I never met them because we wasn’t together long.

But I realised at that age that I wanted my own family and didn’t want to take on someone’s else’s children.

You are 29, not 40, find someone more compatible.

.

Leave now. Honestly, I like the guy: he's been honest at the right point (before the big decision to move in). BUT he's not what you want for your life.

And there are often posts on here about women whose husbands had babies 'reluctantly' and EVERY TIME the woman is left to do 100% of the work, forever. Because the man sees the baby as her choice, and not really his. He's bitter and takes it out on her forever.

Don't be that woman.

He's sobered up and has thought about the responsibilities. At least you know now and can move on without ending up as a single parent.

Once you let him know it's over he will try to suck you back in with, I'll think more about kids. If you really want one we'll have one. If you want one we can wait a year and start trying.
He will delay, delay, delay once he's in your house and you will be suckered into giving him your childbearing years for nothing.
Beware!

Does he help his kids with homework?! 👂🏻

Before I was with my husband I was in a relationship for six years with a charismatic guy who was 13 yrs older and who was already divorced with two young daughters before I even met him. We worked together and he really pursued me. Eventually when we did get together, we both changed jobs. We ended up breaking up at the three year point (at the time, I shared a flat with my brother). The reason was that despite having said before that he would like another family (marriage and kids) he suddenly said out of the blue that he didn’t want either… ever again… so I told him we were done.
After about a month apart, he showed up, said he thought we should move in together and he hadn’t meant what he had said. He said he wanted us to be together more than anything and the living together was a trial run before we eventually married and started a family. I was about 30 at this stage. We both left our separate flats and got a bigger apartment together, having his daughters over almost every weekend, great holidays with them etc.
I should never have taken him back. He never paid any attention to his kids. I’d be the one to play/interact with them, take them out, feed them, care for them etc. and his involvement was minimal. It got to the point where he would bring the girls Friday after school and leave them with me whilst he was supposedly working (it was a tanker company and they had ships coming to a refinery near us very regularly, so I wasn’t too perturbed and had been with him on several occasions as I was in the same industry, so I thought he was telling the truth). After the girls had been almost exclusively with me, he’d take them home Sunday evening and the car rides to/from were about all he’d do with them. He isolated me from my friends and family and once he had me to himself, so to speak, he would gaslight me and belittle me. We only hung out with people he chose us to. He was often really rude to people who mattered to me. Finally I had had enough, so told him to give a month’s notice on our apartment as I was leaving him and had found somewhere else to live. During the last month he constantly tried to get back with me. I was still doing everything I had been doing (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.) except I was sleeping in the spare room and went out as much as I could. One day I found a used condom packet on the bedside table in what had been our room when I went in to change the bed for him, so knew he’d brought someone home whilst I was out. I said nothing as we had been broken up about three weeks, but it pissed me off as it just showed the total lack of respect he always had for me. I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that whilst we still were under the same roof…
when I did move out he kept finding ways to get in touch or would slow drive past several times.

I eventually married someone else and have now been happily married for over 26 years. My husband and I have four adult children and a great relationship.

My ex lived with a girl even younger than me until he passed away a few years ago of cancer. She’d nursed him through a stroke and then brain cancer for the best part of a decade, but he never married her. According to friends who kept in touch with us both, he’d given them a right going over, when he was ill, after one of them suggested he marry the other girl in order to ensure she’d have somewhere to live and his pension as she’d never worked. Apparently she’d developed mental health issues and was on meds for it… I also know that his daughters refused to have any contact with him, except the absolute minimum, after we broke up. They wouldn’t go and stay over and never liked his new gf. By this time they were young teenagers. The woman called me through a friend just after he’d died and it was the first time I’d ever spoken to her. She said the girls had called her and told her to take whatever she wanted out of the flat, but to “get out within a month” and they wanted to sell. He still had stuff of mine that he’d wanted when we’d split up and there was also stuff we had bought together back then, in their house and she asked me if I wanted any of it! The girls wanted her gone, but wanted nothing at all to do with her. She’d had to get a live-in job as a carer for an old man (for a pittance as she was unqualified) as she had no money and nowhere to go, plus she was isolated from everyone after being with him for decades. I just felt really sorry for her and told her that if she needed anything to let me know. I wished her all the best and I meant it.

Leopards don’t change their spots! It’s probably wrong to speak ill of the dead, but he was a right manipulative and totally selfish bastard…. and just screwed her over as she’d been the one caring for him right up to the very end, but he left her with absolutely nothing. No money, no home and no real future. He had a really good job, savings and fully owned at least two properties, but the girls got everything. I have no idea what became of her. Hope she’s moved on.

I’d say that I was just so lucky to see sense and get out of it when I did. No regrets whatsoever. My advice is move on, while you can. Good luck.

See him telling you this now as a blessing. You're still young and you have plenty of time to meet someone else, establish a good relationship and have kids.

Similar happened to both my DSD and my sister when they were similar ages to you. They both ended those relationships. Now my sister has been married for 10 years and has a 10 year and an 8 year old. She was 32 when she had her first child.

My DSD has been married for 2 years and she has a 4 year old and an 8 month old. Her first was born when she was 30. (Pregnancy happened very early and unexpectedly into the relationship, but they stuck together and had the baby).

That's about what the adults want, not the kids. He's a boyfriend of 2 years with talk about moving in together, it sounds like OP's been doing lots for ages as she mentions holidays, trips away, Halloween stuff. If they are 2 years into the relationship now she has been involved a lot since a 1 year in if she's was doing Halloween things.

I would say it was far too much too soon. The kids were meant to be seeing their dad and will now have the loss of her from their lives to deal with because the adults rushed things. I'm holding him responsible by the way, he's wanted an extea pair of hands and been happy to let someone else make sure the kids had the things they liked for tea, I'm not blaming OP.

I haven't read the full thread but I just wanted to share my experience. I was 29 and living with my exDP of 4 years when it became clear we wanted different things. I was devastated and thought that I was too old to be starting again. However, I met my DH just before I turned 31. We were married within two years and had DS when I was 34 and DD when I was 36. It may not be what you had always planned but looking back now I am so glad that things ended with my exDP as my relationship with my DH is beyond compare to what I had settled for previously. I just had the "I'm nearly 30" fear and just assumed my ex was the one I had to be with. It's terrifying, but things will work out for the better in the long run. Wishing you lots of love and strength, whatever you decide to do.

Go live your life op!

Deep down you know what you have to do. I'm sorry 😔 If you do decide to stay,the relationship is doomed anyway because you will end up resenting him.