DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

My ex-husband did this. We separated because of it but I feel he took away my chances of having children (mid 30s when we separated and then early menopause). Don't allow him to dictate your future

OP, I would ultimatum or leave. But preferably just leave. You have plenty of time to find another man. I met my now husband at 35 and had a baby at 37. We both were widowed beforehand and each brought children with us. Being a blended family has its challenges but in our case it helped that we both understood each other as single, widowed parents. In your case... well, stepchildren are a complication when you're single and have no children of your own.

Take some of the pressure off...freeze your eggs.

She doesn't need to put herself through an expensive and invasive procedure like that at the age of 29!
What a ridiculous and unnecessary comment.
There is a very low success rate from egg freezing anyway.

The OP is young enough to move on from this relationship and conceive naturally with someone else.
Plenty of people have children in their mid - late 30s, myself included.

If op feels time pressured at 29 what is she going to feel like at ??? 35 or onwards, ....maybe make rash decisions that wouldnt be good in the long term????.
It is simply an option...not full proof but neither is life and if she is so compelled to be a mother then.... better to be informed.
I dont know with any authority ...but eggs are likely more viable if taken from a younger woman, that is something worth being aware of. Better than looking into it at 39 and being told it would have been better 5 years before.
Its a modern world and why not consider all options.

I have a good friend who is late 50s and to this day feels tormented by not having children ...she wishes she had pushed harder, tried everything to have children. Not helped by a husband who already had 2 children by his first ( deceased) wife . They met mid 30s, she had some other health issues which postponed her attempts to get pregnant. They struggled to get preganant for a few years then had one ivf attempt which obviously didnt work. Her husband wasnt enthusiastic to do it again. An easier call for him than for her. He doesnt get why she feels she really missed out. She works with women who are trying to get pregnant by whatever means they can, some are a similar and older age to her when she thought she was too old to keep trying. This is like salt in her wound. She doesnt begrudge it of them ...it just hurts.

You really need to look at your misogyny and actually read what posters say.

I’m rooting for you, @stepparenthelp. You will have a great life, the life you want, you just need to bin off that lying, manipulative prick in order to get there.
Wishing you nothing but good things in your future. Be strong and put yourself first ♥️

Freezing eggs is an invasive procedure to put yourself through and it isn't cheap.
It isn't something to consider unless you really have to.

There is no reason to assume that a young woman of 29 won't meet another partner and be able to have a child naturally. She still has time on her side and there have been plenty of women on this thread sharing stories of how this happened to them.

The OP could check her fertility at this point but I think suggesting she freeze her eggs is a step too far, particularly when it doesn't have a great success rate anyway.

There's always a lot of aggression towards men on these threads. And there's a weirdly pervasive and insidious idea that the majority of men don't really want children anyway and so they should just give a woman what she wants if they love her (especially given that he won't be the one who is pregnant or doing the majority of child raising anyway... 🙄)

I know there are some men who will waste 20 years of a woman's life, marrying her and promising next year, next year, next year when he knows full well that 'next year' he isn't going to want a baby anymore than he does this year.

That is future faking. And that isn't this man.

In reality, a relationship that started two years ago, where 'having a baby' is a general chat at the start and not a definite plan, where someome (male or female) isn't fully closed to the idea because they haven't really given it much thought when they already have childen; who isnt fully opposed to the idea so is willing to consider it; but then on closer reflection realises its not what they want after all and is then honest about it is not future faking.

It's exactly that. Being presented with an idea someone is not wholly opposed to from the start, taking time to consider, work through the options, rationalise it in their head, consider the impact on their own life and their existing children's lives and how that will change the trajectory of all their lives. All anyone's responsibility in this sitation is to give serious thought to it (because a child can't be returned), be clear in their own mind what they want and then be honest in that.

That's how all serious life changing decisions should be approached. No one should be expected to just go along with something because it's what someone else wants and they've been dating for 24 months.

It's been 2 years. Not 5, not 10. They're not married. They don't even live together.

Yes, its incredibly disappointing for the OP. No one would deny that and of course the thought of losing someone the OP had mentally planned a future with, starting all over again with the uncertainty of meeting someone is overwhelming and sad.

But that doesn't mean he has done anything wrong.

I read a thread on here a few months ago where it was the woman who had made the decision (also after a couple of years) that she didn't want children. She hadn't been completely closed to the idea at the start and had taken time to really consider it and, as time went on, she realised she didn't want children at all. Yes, people told her she should tell him asap to allow him to find someome else etc but there was none of the vitriol and a lot of understanding (IIRC) that she had taken the time she needed to consider it properly and not bring an unwanted child into the world. And no one accused her of 'future faking'.

I think there is some truth to what you are saying. If the DP hadn't said this (see below), I would 100% agree with you. I think this concerns me the most:

"A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn't feel I was involved enough with his children, and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here, I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework".

@GreyCarpet ,you missed the bit in the OP where he expects his girlfriend (who he doesn't live with) to do the homework with the children and be more involved with them.

Great minds think alike! Glad to hear it wasn't just me that was bothered by that.

Im not advocating it as a first port of call ...just making herself aware of what is available should life not go as planned.

Fully accept my reply was flippant and didnt explain it fully so you were right to call it out.

You're not an idiot but you were a bit naive. He might have been kind-of serious about liking the idea of a baby with you, but not seriously serious about all the challenges it would bring and perhaps also feeling guilty about short-changing his existing children. It's to his credit that he has said now that he's not sure, while you are still unmarried and young, rather than getting married and letting time go by.
Seems very likely that 'not sure' means 'has decided not to', so that's it for your relationship. Fingers crossed that you meet someone else soon.

I cross-posted. Nanny-governess with a fanny but no board and lodgings sprang to mind

2026 and BleedinglyObvious

I did miss that.

It doesn't really change the point I was making though. He wasnt future faking.

And I'll be honest, my eldest child had a step dad and he did all of those things - spent time with him, helped him with his homework. He fully stepped into the 'dad' role and fully participated in family life. Not because i asked him to or expected him to (i didn't at all) but becaue he wanted to. He also didn't have any children of his own and I know a few stepdads who did similar.

We went on to have a child together. We split up 14 years ago and my eldest is now 27. His stepdad is still his dad.

I'm not sure I'd have stayed with someone who wanted a child with me but didn't want to be involved with my existing child, tbh. And I definitely wouldn't have had a child with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

@GreyCarpet , And I'll be honest, my eldest child had a step dad and he did all of those things - spent time with him, helped him with his homework. He fully stepped into the 'dad' role and fully participated in family life. Not because i asked him to or expected him to (i didn't at all) but becaue he wanted to. He also didn't have any children of his own and I know a few stepdads who did similar.

Was he your boyfriend of 2 years who you didn't live with at the time?

Yes he was.

I wouldn't have moved in with him or had another child with him if he hadn't.

That wasn't my plan at the time and I wasn't even sure iI ever wanted to get married or have another child but, if he hadn't been involved, the relationship just wouldn't have progressed to that point.

OP this other thread that’s running at the moment is a glimpse into your future (as the sister in this scenario)

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5569333-aibu-to-expect-my-sister-to-accept-my-fourth-pregnancy-when-she-is-child-free-not-by-choice?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

So, while OP is not reading a book and instead of helping the kids with their homework, just WHAT is their father doing?

My money is on NOT MUCH.

OP already said, several times how much she does for these children who do not live with her and all she does for them and with them.

So very sorry that she hasn't resigned herself to being their main parent while her NVDP goes off doing his thing or nothing. After all, that's all women are good for, amirite?

So, while OP is not reading a book and instead of helping the kids with their homework, just WHAT is their father doing?
Gaming or watching telly I expect, or might be doing his hobby.

If he doesn’t bother to do things like homework/reading with the kids he already has, it doesn’t bode well for his involvement in any future babies. @stepparenthelp should throw this one back.

You have absolutely no idea what he is doing.

You may well be right. Maybe he is doing nothing and is outsourcing parenting to her. In which case, she'd be an utter fool to have a baby with him anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

So, presumably that's not the case given her disappointment at his change of heart... because surely she'd only want to have a child with someone who'd already proven himself to be a good dad and partner...

So I was just sharing my thoughts and experiences as the parent with a child in a relationship with someone who didn't have children but who was interested in a long term relationship with me.

I'm not saying anything about this man or what he would he doing when the OP was spending time with his children because I don't know him and given your My money is on NOT MUCH. Neither do you. You don't know any more than I do.

The only point I was actually making was that I don't think its unreasonable to have an expectation that a partner will be involved in your child's life and that i wouldnt have had a baby with a man who wasn't interested in the child I already had.

If that doesn't align with what the partner wants, they're free to walk away.

Do not waste your time now. He wants you to parent his kids. Move on. You will be happy with someone else.