DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

I’ve already posted on this thread, but I don’t agree necessarily that the OPs partner has lied. He has said he doesn’t want more children , before they moved in together. I don’t think he’s lied as such , but has changed his mind hence the thread.

But yes he did initially say he wanted children unprompted, OPs words on original post.

We don’t know if he’s a good dad or not but he has two young children and his previous relationship obviously didn’t work out which would be a red flag to me. He separated from his ex with two young kids.

Who’s to say he wouldn’t do the same again?

I also said he does seem to have the best of both worlds , part time dad , partner who’s a decade younger and owns her own place , with her job and good salary.

He sees you as a good catch I’m sure. He may even be a decent guy.. but I’d honestly break it off now and find someone more compatible who doesn’t have children.

At the moment he’s got the best of both worlds. Part time dad, sex on tap with you and free time with you whenever he doesn’t have the kids. He’s got the perfect set up.
If he progresses on to having kids with you, he’s replicating what he had before: full time family life.
What he seems to be admitting is that he doesn’t want that. Not with you and probably not with anyone. Fair enough. It’s a lot to start over at 40 and begin again for anyone.

@PinkBottle75 has it in a nutshell. He doesn't want full time family life. He had that and left it. He doesn't really enjoy spending time with the kids he's got, that's why he wanted you doing parenting things, much less have more.

You know what you want in your life and he's not on the same page. Time to exit this relationship due to incompatibility and go for exactly what you want.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

Exactly

I know what I need to do 😔💔 sat in my car on my lunch break trying to be strong.

When you speak to him, don't be reeled in by more future faking. If he says he might be ready in a year's time, he is trying to wear you down over time.

Do not underestimate how selfish men can be to continue their cosy set up.

Do update if you want to.

I agree he has a good life with OP and he might not take the news well.

She doesn’t owe him or his kids anything, being totally frank. She needs to be strong and do what best for her.

Im sure in a few months time she’ll be happy that she did.

If he’s a decent guy he’ll understand and won’t use his kids to blackmail. But we also
know how people can be.

At least you know before the upheaval of moving in.
oh and I had my son at 39½.

I have only read up to this post but I disagree

I met DH at 29 - we became a couple at 31
Married at 34
First child at 36
Second child at 41

Without wanting to sound like an old woman - you really do have plenty of time.

He is a waste of your time - LTB

<off to read the rest of the thread which i suspect says all this>

OP I left the man I thought was the love of my life because he didn’t want kids.

I’ll never forget the moment when I knew I had to leave. It was a sunny Sunday afternoon, he’d been for a bike ride, came home, had a nice lunch, and sat in the garden afterwards. He was so happy and content. Meanwhile I had a gaping hole in my life, because I wanted kids.

At that moment I knew that if I stayed with him, his happiness and my sadness would make me feel resentful at what I’d given up, and my love for him would disappear. And then we’d be left with nothing.

It broke my heart leaving. I felt I was throwing away the best relationship I’d ever have. I was older than you - 36 - so I didn’t feel I had time to wait to meet someone new. I had IVF as a single woman in the end, kids born when I was 37 and 41.

It’s 21 years since I left him, and I’ve never had a single regret, not for one second. I love being a Mum (kids late teen and early 20s now), and I also have a partner who I’ve been with for 10 years. My ex stayed childless, married again and then divorced. I think he’s happy enough.

OP you have time to meet someone else who wants kids with you. Right now you can’t imagine this, but it will happen. Don’t throw your childbearing years away on this man. My story has a happy ending, but I had years of miserable and expensive IVF, which could have been avoided if I’d been a few years younger.

Intended to read and run as other PP have this covered (you're getting good advice here, OP) but I had this PRECISE scenario so I am adding to the chorus of PP saying "leave".

I was 32, he was 42, DC11 from a previous relationship. I asked serious questions pretty early because I am an adult, and having a DC, he had an idea of what he'd be saying yes/no to. Long story short, his response was always "not now, but not never" without any precision on how long "now" might be.

It killed me that he wanted to meet "certain criteria" before starting a new family, children were "not to be taken lightly".

Dear reader, his DC had been conceived within 8 months of meeting the mother. They were not living together. She was not-yet-divorced and had lost custody of her own 2 DC. He was fresh out of a long-term breakup. She was an acquaintance of his DM (who had said "don't go near her").

I tied myself up in knots wondering why it was ok to conceive a life with this woman, but not with me "until certain criteria were met" (as with "now", no precision on the criteria).

All this to say, along with everyone else, cut your losses. Every break up is tough, every heartbreak feels fatal, but it's not killed you yet. Break up, go no contact, get some therapy to outline your non-negotiables and how to stand by them, then go find a man who wants a family with you.

PS. Wanting you to parent his kids as his live-out girlfriend??? Absolutely fucking not.

When you speak to him, don't be reeled in by more future faking. If he says he might be ready in a year's time, he is trying to wear you down over time.

It will be a year's time.
In a year's time, it will be in a year's time. (repeat a few years)
Then it will be 'I'm too old'

Cut your losses.

I did! Broke up with my partner aged 33 - it was scary, but we weren’t compatible and I was miserable.

I met someone else! I’m now 37 and we have a 2 year old. We are a very, very happy family.

You’re way younger than I was! You’ll come through this and be glad you did. You’ll meet someone who is totally suitable, not just partially.

@stepparenthelp

OP, don't be me. This was my life (long ago), I was in my twenties, he was older with two young children, and I stayed for 15 years because I thought things would change. And I never had my own children because cancer treatment came along instead. I waited too long.

So, believe in yourself and what YOU want, and seize this moment. You never know what's around the corner (both good and bad), and waiting around for him to change his mind (again) is a futile waste of your life.

It's only been two years, and you don't live together. Splitting up is hard enough, but you have no children or assets together, so it's the easiest now that it's ever going to get.

A few things you said struck me:

The two of you never argue. I suggest that this is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

You have a large combined income. You don't have a combined income at all. You are not married (DON'T marry him!) - his money is his and, if he dies, his children's. You have no rights to it.

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. Listen to yourself. This is you, this is real, it is your life, and you don't want this. Listen to yourself.

As others here have said, this man will not change his mind. He might say he has, just to keep you from leaving, but he will probably lie and change his mind again. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

You have lots of time ahead of you. Please listen to those of us who have been there. Get out, go find your life. Don't waste any more time banging your head against a locked door.

Go through the door that's open.

You are young.

Move on. Date someone new.

Why date a man who already has children?

Babies are cute as are kittens and puppies etc. The baby stage is difficult, no doubt about that. Toddlers some find it gets a bit easier as you can sort of sometimes work out what they want. The ages his kids are now is when they want more attention and to do more so take up more time.
Your partner is perhaps realising his life would change dramatically with more full-time kids ie basically no down time for him!
OP you are young, 29 gives you ano10 years to find "the one" and have a family of your own. My DD1 is 35 and just had a second child with someone she met a couple of years ago. I had my youngest at 38, not a single regret from either of us.
I underyou must be upset, the goal posts have changed, and really it is out of you hands atm. A horrible feeling. Don't settle you deserve more, look after yourself as a priority, plan something to look forward to and get out there and try to rebuild a new life. Women are just so strong, you are stronger than you realise surround yourself with the ppl that want to support you. 💕

Yes, at 34. I originally wanted kids in my late 20s. I was devastated when my relationship of 4 years ended and I had to accept that timescale wouldn't happen.

I am so glad that I stuck to my "new plan" of meeting the right person and waiting until the right time to have a baby, though. I had my first at 35 after 6 happy years with my DH. Yes there is a ticking biological clock, and yes it really hurts hard when you want a family and can't immediately see the path to that. Finding someone who will be a good father to your future children is important, but its also important to remember that you are hoping to be in the relationship before and after the children and you need to be happy together. Good relationships need time to form foundations, as parenting can be a challenging time. I appreciate that sometimes children come along earlier than planned, and you do reach an age (35+) where your relationship might need fast tracking to the family stage, but at 29 I would be accepting children would be a mid-30s goal and focusing on meeting a partner and enjoying some time as a two first.

Good luck!

Or (and possibly and) he is very childish when it comes to taking responsibility? He knew he didn't want kids so if she had if fallen pregnant by accident he would have allowed himself to carry the resentment that he had been trapped yet again by an "accidental pregnancy". It's just odd that his first two children were "accidents" and here he is joking about a third accidental child. I don't mean that secretly he wanted kids and an "accident" would make him happy really. He would probably have been super resentful if OP had gotten pregnant when they weren't planning it. But there seems an attitude that children is something all these women just do to him, no real agency. And when men like that do have kids they have set up an ineqyin the relationship before the babies even born because "I never wanted this baby, I was trapped" can be thrown in the partners face any time she wants help with childcare, wants to share the financial burden of maternity leave etc.

How involved is he with his kids? Does he do plenty of homework with them? how much custody does he have.

So sorry to read this OP, your pain is evident from your post. I know it doesn't feel like this right now but I think you will be glad in the future that he was (eventually) honest with you.

I met my DH at 29 but I was also in a bad/unsuitable relationship and by the time it fell apart it took a while before we got together, at which point I was already 31. We got married when I had just turned 32 and had a baby soon after :) Ended up with 4 children!!! (Ps he didn't want any kids but didn't have any of his own - he changed his mind though)

I met my DH at 20 but we didn't get married until 29 and had first child at 33. I know lots of people who have met post 30 and had babies in 30s/40s - in fact they tend to be really strong couples as they have a good sense of themselves as individuals too.

Just wanted to send a hug your way. I remember posting on Mumsnet myself aged 30 when I was facing a similar, scary decision about breaking up with my fiancé. Ultimately, this is what my timeline was (I also used to obsess about age - a hallmark of being young, I think! - and I found timelines helpful).

30 - broke up with fiancé. Was heartbroken.
31 - met future DP (at work)
32 - starting dating DP
34 - conceived DS
35 - had gorgeous DS

…we’re currently planning TTC for DC2!

FWIW, the average age of a first time mum at the hospital I gave birth at (in a boujis area of London) is 38. The mums in my antenatal group were overwhelmingly mid-to-late thirties.

However, a PP on this thread did give a really important word of caution: breaking up with someone you love is very hard to do. And believe me, I’ve been there. Do make sure you invest in yourself. Have therapy as a non-negotiable. Plan a trip on your own (for me, I did a very long hiking and backpacking trip à la Cheryl Strayed in Wild. This was transformative for me). Invest in your friendships. Discover what you love on your own, and what makes you you. Read books - read poetry - go to events on your own and meet other people there on their own and strike up conversations.

The time after a big breakup can be a magical and, I’ll be honest, sacred time. It’s a time for huge growth.

I wish you luck. As I’ve said, a hallmark of being young is not feeling young at all (now, aged 36, I feel much younger than I did at 29). But please believe me when I say 29 is no age. You have time, and wonderful things are waiting for you.

Hi OP, I was almost 35 when I had my first and only child. You have plenty of time to meet someone who shares the same values and hopes for the future as you. Hugs

There is no agony, like that of wanting a baby of your own, when you can not have one. It will eat away at you and your relationship.