DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

[stepparenthelp]

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

He probably lied to you about wanting kids just to lock you in to the relationship

Leave.

Take it from someone who is nearly twice your age:

*29 is very young

*there's no lonelier place than being in an unhappy marriage

*if you somehow have children with him (e.g. accident or he does it to appease you) it's a receipe for misery

My husband wanted children but when they were small told me repeatedly he wished he he hadn't had them and claimed I'd manipulated him into agreeing. This did not happen but he really believes it and his resentment is clear to see and he's depressed and making me depressed.

Yes I did and went on to have two more. I left my first husband at 28 and thought I'd never meet anyone else. It was a huge decision to leave and took a year to finally get over it. Best decision I ever made in retrospect.

Don't waste your precious time with this person.

Move on.

“On the fence,” at 39 with two school age kids already is a no. I wouldn’t start again with a baby, at that age, once my kids were past that stage and at school.

Don’t have children with anyone who doesn’t really want them, even if he capitulates. You’ll end up doing all the work and resenting him. He’s already trying to get you to parent the children he already has.

You’re 29. You feel that time is running out but it’s really not. The vast majority of my friends met their husbands after 30, and had kids. I met mine at 32 and had my first at 35. My best friend met hers at 35 and has just had her first at 37. Another friend met her partner at 38 and had a baby the week of her 40th birthday. The one change we all made is after 30 we were honest with ourselves and our partners about what we wanted and didn’t pursue relationships that weren’t going anywhere.

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he has genuinely struggled with his decision and was reluctant to finally tell you blah blah. The arrogance in thinking that his children should be enough for you. Evidenced by him manipulating you in thinking you aren't doing enough with his children. Absolutely not.

Leave this relationship @stepparenthelp and do not be reeled back in with fake promises because before you know it, it will be 10 years down the line and you still won't have a child.

As an aside, most of my friends had children at 32+ so don't worry about that.

Good luck.