AIBU to knock her head off ?

[DallazMajor]

Myself and my children’s father seperated over 10 years ago. We are since divorced. He is in a relationship (prob started whilst we were married tbh).

Im not entirely sure when this started but for the but last 5 years at least his new partner has started to slag me off in front of my kids. For context I took voluntary redundancy 7 years ago it came at a convenient time as I was very unwell after a coercive controlling relationship. I already had mental health issues and the abuse sent me into psychosis. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive. Since then I’ve not worked (I’ve also been caring for my eldery parents and my 2 teenagers). I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.
I am constantly on the edge of my nerves, my mum passed away in January and my dad is very difficult to deal with. In retrospect he was very abusive toward my mum and this has also really affected me.

I digress. My exes partner has been slating me. Saying I’m making it all up, I’m fraudulently claiming benefits. I’ve spent all my children’s savings on holidays (none of which is true). She can say and think what she likes but NOT to my children. My children are older now (21 & 18) and they have confided that this has been an ongoing issue but if they ever said anything to their dad he took his partners side and told them off.

Not only this but in the last 4 years I’ve been excluded from stuff because of her. Previously (because me and the ex were completely amicable) we used to celebrate the kids birthdays and Christmas as a family. Including his partner. I used to welcome them into my home put on food etc. Both sets of grandparents would be there. It was for the kids benefit and there was no issue as far as I was concerned.

All this has stopped now and it’s a pita and a shame as my kids recently had big birthdays and it was all made awkward. (Ex husband came to my house to drop presents and pick up kids and his partner sat outside in the car scowling and texting him to hurry up). Honestly it’s just ridiculous.

Ive spoke to the ex husband about it. He’s a wet lettuce and does nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke). But what would you do? Anything ? Nothing ?

Also ex mil thinks the sun shines out of my arse which winds the new partner up. The ex mil has been told that it’s me causing the issues! Should I write her a letter and put her straight ?

TIA and sorry for the length of this post !

Your kids are adults so surely they'd be doing their own thing anyway for birthdays? It's weird to continue to do things as a family when you aren't one.

Why are you still so enmeshed with your ex? Your kids are grown up, leave them to manage their relationships with their Dad without your input.

This
not your circus not your monkeys
leave them to get on and focus on yourself

I think you need to move on OP. It’s been years, she’s not his “new partner”, she’s his partner.

Unfortunately you cannot knock her head off because that would make your situation much worse - but I understand why you want to and she’d deserve it. You need to have a vent to someone you trust in real life, AIBU is not a kind and sympathetic place.

My mum and dad had an amicable split and it was lovely that we spent family Christmas and birthdays together, so I feel for you and your kids losing that. That really sucks, but I don’t think this is a good place to vent. You should go out with a mate, get a pint/coffee/whatever and have a good rage and bitch to get it out your system.

I wonder what their side of this story would be 🤔

If they were 11 and 8 it would be more of an issue. At 21 and 18? I'd let it go. They're old enough to see the situation for what it is.

Your DC are old enough to make a decision as to whether they want to stop seeing/speaking to your Ex and his DP if they continue to slate you, it's not something they are forced to do.

She's an arse, but for the sake of your own mental health Let it Go.

Your kids are adults. To joke about knocking your ex husbands wife's head off isn't reasonable, no.

Things change. Sweep your own side of the street.

Don't rise to it - if your kids tell you what she's been saying just answer breezily - "oh did she? No, that's not true. Anyway, shall we have pasta tonight?" etc. I wouldn't do anything else tbh - none of them are anything to do with you now.

She doesn't like you apparently. Not everyone has to.
You don't need to be her friend or ever speak to her.

Its not weird when it’s something that has always happened. I know lots of separated parents who remain friends and/or can be in the same room as their ex.

Yes the kids are adults now but they are the ones who have voiced that it’s weird that we have to basically celebrate birthdays twice. Fine if it’s something that’s always happened but it’s just been the norm to still get together.

Im not the one causing the issues here. The kids don’t like her calling me names and are shot down when they say anything.

Move on the kids are adults, stop ruminating on it, if she says anything out the kids right, leave it there,

She’s upsetting my kids. I don’t care how old they are.

The knocking her head off was clearly a joke. Read the room.

They are adults now, it’s odd they think it’s weird, you’re divorced, it’s right you do it seperately now,

I don’t want to be her friend. That’s not the issue.

Your kids need to tell her and their father then, not you

In your opinion. I know plenty of seperated parents who remain on good terms.

The point is being missed.

You have a choice here. You can involve yourself where you are not required, between your adult children and their father, and his wife, or you can regulate your own behaviour and choices and accept that things change.

Yes there are families who still get together post divorce for years, happily. Yours is not one of them. If your adult children do not like their fathers wife, because of the way she talks about you, they can vote with their feet and stay away from her. They are not helping the situation by reporting what she's saying to you.

You have a choice here, and you can choose to make things easier for everyone and leave it well alone, or you can choose to throw fuel on the fire. Up to you, depends how you want to direct your energy and what outcome you're looking for.

You dont need to have contact with your ex your dc are adults. I dont speak to my ds df hes 18. I dont even have his number anymore. Focus on your own life.

Your kids are adults. If they don’t want to spend time with her because she’s being a dick about you, that’s their choice. They should vocalise their issues with her to their dad and say they only want to spend time with him, not her because she’s rude. They don’t need to relay everything to you, it’s only going to hurt your feelings.

Yes they have done. And he takes her side and then bollocks them.

They tell me because it’s annoying and upsetting. I’ve spoken to him about it previously mainly because as they are now adults they will choose not to spend time with him if they don’t like her.

the kids know that I dgaf what she thinks about me but regardless she shouldn’t be telling complete lies about me and perhaps could even allow a bit of empathy for my situation.

Honestly sounds like you both need to grow up and bit, But if I where you I would kill her kindness, big smiles and waves every time, if the kids says she’s slagging you off laugh like it’s some big Joke, oh what’s she like lol. It will make her look all the more ridiculous

I have nothing to do with them unless it’s a benefit to the kids. I think celebrating an 18th or 21st birthday particularly would have been a lot easier than having 2 party’s just because my exes partner is being a douche.