AIBU to knock her head off ?

[DallazMajor]

Myself and my children’s father seperated over 10 years ago. We are since divorced. He is in a relationship (prob started whilst we were married tbh).

Im not entirely sure when this started but for the but last 5 years at least his new partner has started to slag me off in front of my kids. For context I took voluntary redundancy 7 years ago it came at a convenient time as I was very unwell after a coercive controlling relationship. I already had mental health issues and the abuse sent me into psychosis. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive. Since then I’ve not worked (I’ve also been caring for my eldery parents and my 2 teenagers). I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.
I am constantly on the edge of my nerves, my mum passed away in January and my dad is very difficult to deal with. In retrospect he was very abusive toward my mum and this has also really affected me.

I digress. My exes partner has been slating me. Saying I’m making it all up, I’m fraudulently claiming benefits. I’ve spent all my children’s savings on holidays (none of which is true). She can say and think what she likes but NOT to my children. My children are older now (21 & 18) and they have confided that this has been an ongoing issue but if they ever said anything to their dad he took his partners side and told them off.

Not only this but in the last 4 years I’ve been excluded from stuff because of her. Previously (because me and the ex were completely amicable) we used to celebrate the kids birthdays and Christmas as a family. Including his partner. I used to welcome them into my home put on food etc. Both sets of grandparents would be there. It was for the kids benefit and there was no issue as far as I was concerned.

All this has stopped now and it’s a pita and a shame as my kids recently had big birthdays and it was all made awkward. (Ex husband came to my house to drop presents and pick up kids and his partner sat outside in the car scowling and texting him to hurry up). Honestly it’s just ridiculous.

Ive spoke to the ex husband about it. He’s a wet lettuce and does nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke). But what would you do? Anything ? Nothing ?

Also ex mil thinks the sun shines out of my arse which winds the new partner up. The ex mil has been told that it’s me causing the issues! Should I write her a letter and put her straight ?

TIA and sorry for the length of this post !

Being annoyed is understandable, especially when the children are upset.

Confronting ex or his wife clearly won’t help.

It would probably be helpful for your children to agree some phrases that they can both use on repeat at their father’s house about not wanting to have a conversation about their mother with dad and stepmum. If dad ‘bollocks them’ , then again it would help for them to be pre-prepared with a calm response ( e.g. we’ve come to visit and spend time with you, not listen to you telling lies about our mother).

Perhaps the wife is deliberately trying to upset and anger you. Perhaps she is trying to drive a wedge between the children and their father. The children are adults, and though they obviously should not be expected to be the most mature people in the family they need to have tools to deal with a pretty challenging family dynamic. Have they had therapy, given that they were witnesses to the effects of the abuse you faced?

Your ex's DP is never going to stop slating you to your DC, they keep going back for more and she keeps giving.

If they want contact with their dad it's going to have to be somewhere away from her or not at all, shouldn't be like that but their dad sounds like he gives no shits what gets said.

She hasn’t put up with anything.

I said this early on OP, as have many others but you keep doubling down. Your life is your life, your ex and his partner's life are theirs. Your kids are adults, it's up to them to deal with it without running to you and telling tales on her when they know it upsets you, tell them you're done and don't want to hear it.

Try to look at it a different way. If she knew you felt this way (and with what you've revealed on this thread, if she reads it she can probably take a guess it's you) she'd be rubbing her hands to know she'd "got" to you.

Don't give her the satisfaction. Grey rock her and for fuck's sake LET IT GO.

Edited for SPAG.

"He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive"

How were you then completely amicable with him? I saw my ex who was like this last week as I needed him to sign some paperwork and I was shaking the whole time.

Unless your children believe the things she says about you, who cares?
What other people think of you is none of your business. Haven't you got much bigger issues to deal.with?

it was a different ex.