AIBU to knock her head off ?

[DallazMajor]

Myself and my children’s father seperated over 10 years ago. We are since divorced. He is in a relationship (prob started whilst we were married tbh).

Im not entirely sure when this started but for the but last 5 years at least his new partner has started to slag me off in front of my kids. For context I took voluntary redundancy 7 years ago it came at a convenient time as I was very unwell after a coercive controlling relationship. I already had mental health issues and the abuse sent me into psychosis. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive. Since then I’ve not worked (I’ve also been caring for my eldery parents and my 2 teenagers). I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.
I am constantly on the edge of my nerves, my mum passed away in January and my dad is very difficult to deal with. In retrospect he was very abusive toward my mum and this has also really affected me.

I digress. My exes partner has been slating me. Saying I’m making it all up, I’m fraudulently claiming benefits. I’ve spent all my children’s savings on holidays (none of which is true). She can say and think what she likes but NOT to my children. My children are older now (21 & 18) and they have confided that this has been an ongoing issue but if they ever said anything to their dad he took his partners side and told them off.

Not only this but in the last 4 years I’ve been excluded from stuff because of her. Previously (because me and the ex were completely amicable) we used to celebrate the kids birthdays and Christmas as a family. Including his partner. I used to welcome them into my home put on food etc. Both sets of grandparents would be there. It was for the kids benefit and there was no issue as far as I was concerned.

All this has stopped now and it’s a pita and a shame as my kids recently had big birthdays and it was all made awkward. (Ex husband came to my house to drop presents and pick up kids and his partner sat outside in the car scowling and texting him to hurry up). Honestly it’s just ridiculous.

Ive spoke to the ex husband about it. He’s a wet lettuce and does nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke). But what would you do? Anything ? Nothing ?

Also ex mil thinks the sun shines out of my arse which winds the new partner up. The ex mil has been told that it’s me causing the issues! Should I write her a letter and put her straight ?

TIA and sorry for the length of this post !

You’ve obviously been very unwell and that will have impacted on your children a lot. She’s not a new partner, she’s been around a long time and will have had a front row seat to your behaviour which sounds like it will have been quite extreme at times albeit for understandable reasons. As a result she no longer wants a relationship with you which is completely fine.

Any issues your adult kids have need to be addressed to their dad, just tell them there’s nothing you can do and they must talk to him. You seem a bit fixated on her, maybe have a think about whether that’s healthy and helping you. I certainly wouldn’t be writing anyone letters or making violent threats which are supposed to be funny. You’re a grown woman, try and act like one.

Why? Ds turned 18 we had seperate celebrations. We dont like each other we dont have to be together to celebrate ds. Totally different if it was a wedding but not birthdays and christmases. Why would you want to if he was so abusive.

Not sure what do you want us to say.

Does she have no redeeming qualities? Did she help care for your children during all your mental illness?

Do you have a therapist or could you waitlist for one with your GP?

I roll my eyes and tell them to ignore it. But the things she is saying are not flyaway comments. She’s actually accusing me of fraud etc. It’s bad enough dealing with mental health issues without judgement and negative comments being spouted to my children.

I’m asking basically if I should confront her directly.

Ignore her block her

Well why do you care what she thinks about you?
She's nothing to do with you. She's your ex's long term partner. Just forget she exists.

Their dad has had them one day a week since we seperated. She was usually present at these times but I’d not say she has had much input with bringing them up.

I think that you are unduly focused on her and what she's reportedly saying, which is actually of very little consequence when compared to the bigger picture here. It sounds as though you could do with protecting your mental health and general wellbeing by ignoring it and focusing on keeping as well as possible.

Are you engaged with ongoing professional help?

The kids have grown up. Neither they or you need to have a close relationship with your ex's partner.
You can be amicable with your ex but the link that you had for the kids isn't there any more so maybe your expectations need to change. By stepping back it may well solve the problem of the animosity.

No, no you should not confront her, or anyone. If you've got a therapist please bring this up with them as soon as possible.

Yes I have support.

She just needs to stop saying things as it’s upsetting my kids and causing a rift.

You can't control her behaviour.

You can try to control your own thoughts and behaviour.

Your spoiling for a fight

I haven't managed my childrens relationships with their father since they were early teens. We are perfectly civil but there is just no need for me to be involved. It won't be helping your mental health to be so involved so, really, it's ok to step back now and leave them all to it 🤷‍♀️

Nailed it.

I suspect their side of the story would be very different and they've decided to take a giant step back from this toxic setup.

This^

She doesn’t need to do anything. She is nothing to do with you. So just ignore her and forget she exists, for the sake of your own mental health, if nothing else.

21 and 18 are not kids (the 21 year old hasn't been a kid for years!). Let them live their own lives.

I think it's clear that this is upsetting you, which is completely understandable - it's awful to be accused of something you haven't done, and to worry that people you do care about (your kids) will start to believe it. But I think the best thing you can do is model resilience and calm to your kids, and maybe discuss with them what options they have - e.g. ignore her, calmly correct her, walk away, choose not to go there, etc. Talk through the options, explain that they have your support. But if I were you I'd be dealing with my kids only - no contact at all with ex, his partner, or his mum.

Sounds like a job might help you have a focus in life.

Im also wondering what the other side of this is. Are yout dc trlling to tell you about how your mental health impacts them because i dont see why they would repeat it.

No - as you'll likely come of as one looking worse.

Ignore her - and frankly do you own 18 and 21 birthday celebrations after talking to your kids. Ask kids to stop telling you what is said - as it only upsets you.

You can not control how others act only how you choose to respond - grey rock it all do not feed the drama.

If someone was being nasty about me on a regular basis, it would upset me too.

The sensible thing is to ignore it. Your ex has chosen her as his future, and unless that changes, they will remain together. You can't change that. Joint celebrations are a thing of the past.

Your kids - they are adults, but young ones. My advice to them would be either a) ignore her or b) every time she's being a bitch, to leave.

If this woman is getting a reaction from you all every time she is horrid, she will keep going. Reduce the reaction, reduce the audience.

Well obviously she shouldn’t be slagging you off but personally I would ignore it. Stepping in puts your kids in a difficult situation as presumably they want to stay on good terms with their dad who is duty bound to defend her. Same with MIL. Stop caring what they think and just focus on your relationship with your kids and taking care of yourself. I would not write to ex MIL either. Do you see her? You can still do the birthday celebrations if you want to and include Ex and his wife plus MIL but obviously they might not come. I wouldn’t care tbh.