AIBU to knock her head off ?

[DallazMajor]

Myself and my children’s father seperated over 10 years ago. We are since divorced. He is in a relationship (prob started whilst we were married tbh).

Im not entirely sure when this started but for the but last 5 years at least his new partner has started to slag me off in front of my kids. For context I took voluntary redundancy 7 years ago it came at a convenient time as I was very unwell after a coercive controlling relationship. I already had mental health issues and the abuse sent me into psychosis. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive. Since then I’ve not worked (I’ve also been caring for my eldery parents and my 2 teenagers). I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.
I am constantly on the edge of my nerves, my mum passed away in January and my dad is very difficult to deal with. In retrospect he was very abusive toward my mum and this has also really affected me.

I digress. My exes partner has been slating me. Saying I’m making it all up, I’m fraudulently claiming benefits. I’ve spent all my children’s savings on holidays (none of which is true). She can say and think what she likes but NOT to my children. My children are older now (21 & 18) and they have confided that this has been an ongoing issue but if they ever said anything to their dad he took his partners side and told them off.

Not only this but in the last 4 years I’ve been excluded from stuff because of her. Previously (because me and the ex were completely amicable) we used to celebrate the kids birthdays and Christmas as a family. Including his partner. I used to welcome them into my home put on food etc. Both sets of grandparents would be there. It was for the kids benefit and there was no issue as far as I was concerned.

All this has stopped now and it’s a pita and a shame as my kids recently had big birthdays and it was all made awkward. (Ex husband came to my house to drop presents and pick up kids and his partner sat outside in the car scowling and texting him to hurry up). Honestly it’s just ridiculous.

Ive spoke to the ex husband about it. He’s a wet lettuce and does nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke). But what would you do? Anything ? Nothing ?

Also ex mil thinks the sun shines out of my arse which winds the new partner up. The ex mil has been told that it’s me causing the issues! Should I write her a letter and put her straight ?

TIA and sorry for the length of this post !

Part of being divorced means navigating birthdays and Christmases and each (ex)couple has their own way of doing it. But now your children are adults so embrace that and let them organise their own events. If that means two family celebrations we then so be it.
Likewise, if your kids have issues with their stepmum or their dad then they should deal with it themselves. Nothing, I repeat nothing, can be gained by you getting involved.

You couldn’t be further from the truth.

She is a controlling partner to my ex husband who has never really had any back bone. It’s actually not good for the kids to have witnessed her behaviours. I don’t really want to go into the ins and outs of that but I’m sure you get the gist.

Ive been totally transparent with my kids about my mental health issues. They are able to communicate with me and have a good understanding MH etc. I’m very proud of them.

They are older now. Adults in fact but we are very close and I just don’t think what she is doing is fair.

Yes they do but then their dad turns on them.

This sounds rough on them and on you (I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time for being pissed off you can't celebrate together if that's what you've always been used to). Have the kids said what they want to happen? I feel like if it was me at their age, I'd be cutting contact with my dad.

The kids are adults now so you need to move on from "what the kids want".

Just be supportive and hear them and say bland supportive things like "I wouldn't worry about it, you know what's right" and "I'm sorry you keep being exposed to this but I'm not there and can't do any more than give you a hug when you're upset."

If they keep going then they'll keep hearing it. It would be better if they didn't relay it but not much you can do.

I think what’s happened here is that your ex’s partner has become resentful towards you over the years because she would naturally have assumed that, as the kids got older all this contact you have with her partner for their sake would soon be ending as the kids outgrew that arrangement.

So now because they’ve got to this age and it still hasn’t happened, she is upset that the contact between you and her partner is still being engineered when there is no longer a need.

Instead of her showing maturity and voicing this quite understandable resentment she chooses to bitch about you behind your back instead. Your partner knows how she really feels and that’s why he won’t tell her to stop saying these things.

I think the wisest thing you could do now is completely stop having this unnecessary contact with your ex, who has been her own partner for years now which is why it hurts her, and then I bet that she will improve towards you once she feels more secure about your agenda.

Your kids are grown ups. Stop getting so involved. People aren't daft.

So they can speak up to him too. Maybe not in front of her… You said he was a wet lettuce didn’t you? Or they just don’t go round if she persists. They are adults and can say Dad she doesn’t need to tell us what she thinks about mum… plus they don’t need to tell you either. It sounds like the whole family is having a bit too much drama..

Also would you be happy if you had to spend Xmas with your partners ex? You’ve split up. No need for contact unless emergencies.

Op you need to get on with your own life.
If the kids want to see their dad thats down to them, its not your business anymore.
Let the past be in the past.

This to me seems really simple.

You say to your ex 'I am tired of hearing about all of the negative things your new partner is saying about me to our children. It is unacceptable that the children are being made to hear these things from her on more than one occassion. Our children are not pawns between us. I don't want to be involved, however as they are raising it with her and you are then rollocking them for it, they are then communicating to me what has happened and what to do. I will also not have my children be used in this manner and be accused of things to them that are baseless, negative, derogatory and untrue. This stops now. You speak to her about it or I will'.

Let him.

If a grown ass man turns on his kids for sticking up for their mum then he’s a spineless piece of shit.

Surely your kids understand that?

I mean I’d probably send a passive aggressive message but then that’s not being the bigger person or rising above it. I don’t really care about any of those things so…

Either way in your place I think I’d have nothing to lose and go mad. But you said you struggle with your mental health so maybe it’s not for you.

When they visit if rhe conversation turns to you your children simply respond with "I/We don't want to discuss my mum thank you" and change the subject.
If she continues they get up say its nice to see them but their off now.
EVERY.TIME.
If the Dad bullocks them (jesus 🙄) they also leave immediately.

If the dad is turning on the kids why do they keep going there. They should tell him to fuck off too

Did you actually type your kid’s ages correctly? You’re making them sound like pre-teens. If they really are adults, step aside and let them figure it out for themselves.
Why are grown adults tale telling like this instead of dealing with it?
You are also making your ex sound like an absolute dickhead, yet you claim to have a great relationship. I wonder why?

God no, let her fester and look after yourself.

If that’s the case, how do you know he wasn’t just going along with what you wanted? It seems less about his lack of spine, but a territorial pissing match over who gets to puppet him.

Not that I believe he actually couldn’t stand up for himself if he wanted to. He’s a grown man with agency. If he disagreed with her he could say so, and if he wanted to shut her down he would. He’s actively choosing not to, so it’s more likely than not that he’s in full agreement.

It’s very convenient for people to play the weak card because it means they can avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, and deflect any negative repercussions onto someone else.

Do you really? Please direct me to a thread where we hear both sides of the story. It's just a passive aggressive way of saying that you don't believe OP.

…and what? Get laughed at?

No, but your kids should.

I can see the temptation but the issue is really between your kids and her. You know it's not true, they know it's not true, so you don't have to defend yourself against her allegations. As you say, the issue is that it's upsetting them, but at their ages, they need to advocate for themselves. If their father is going to be a wet wipe about it then they'll just have to do it without his support.

She's bad mouthing their mother to them so they need to tell her to stop it or they will not spend time with her, and follow through with it.

Poor kids (adults) in the middle of this shit show … be good if at least one person took the mature, adult, high ground.

Well, she's just one of those. Those horrible people.
I wouldn't give her much headspace, let her scowl while in cars or whatever, she's the miserable one and just laugh. It's all she deserves because she's being immature.

Your children know you, they know that their dad's g/f is full of shit and it won't have any sway on them, talk to them about what's going on? Anyone else who knows you well and believes her lies are not worth your headspace either. Friends, family, they're supposed to be good for us, not drag us down and anyone who's willing to drag you down, sod them.

Just you look after you. You sound like you've been through the ringer and back and honestly, don't allow her any power over you, no headspace, remain polite just for the children's sake (hello, goodbye should be enough!) and please look after you and your health. Am sorry to hear you lost your mum, please too reach out to the council if not already done to see if the council can help you with your dad if needs home help etc.

Go easy OP.

Yes, I was thinking this. The dad and step mum had the kids for a grand total of one day a week whilst their main parent was suffering psychosis. They don’t sound like the sort of people who should be offering parenting opinions to anyone.

Stop gaslighting.

Feeling the desire to confront someone, who is accusing you of benefit fraud and relaying this to your children - is not an irrational thought or desire.