AIBU to knock her head off ?

[DallazMajor]

Myself and my children’s father seperated over 10 years ago. We are since divorced. He is in a relationship (prob started whilst we were married tbh).

Im not entirely sure when this started but for the but last 5 years at least his new partner has started to slag me off in front of my kids. For context I took voluntary redundancy 7 years ago it came at a convenient time as I was very unwell after a coercive controlling relationship. I already had mental health issues and the abuse sent me into psychosis. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive. Since then I’ve not worked (I’ve also been caring for my eldery parents and my 2 teenagers). I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.
I am constantly on the edge of my nerves, my mum passed away in January and my dad is very difficult to deal with. In retrospect he was very abusive toward my mum and this has also really affected me.

I digress. My exes partner has been slating me. Saying I’m making it all up, I’m fraudulently claiming benefits. I’ve spent all my children’s savings on holidays (none of which is true). She can say and think what she likes but NOT to my children. My children are older now (21 & 18) and they have confided that this has been an ongoing issue but if they ever said anything to their dad he took his partners side and told them off.

Not only this but in the last 4 years I’ve been excluded from stuff because of her. Previously (because me and the ex were completely amicable) we used to celebrate the kids birthdays and Christmas as a family. Including his partner. I used to welcome them into my home put on food etc. Both sets of grandparents would be there. It was for the kids benefit and there was no issue as far as I was concerned.

All this has stopped now and it’s a pita and a shame as my kids recently had big birthdays and it was all made awkward. (Ex husband came to my house to drop presents and pick up kids and his partner sat outside in the car scowling and texting him to hurry up). Honestly it’s just ridiculous.

Ive spoke to the ex husband about it. He’s a wet lettuce and does nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke). But what would you do? Anything ? Nothing ?

Also ex mil thinks the sun shines out of my arse which winds the new partner up. The ex mil has been told that it’s me causing the issues! Should I write her a letter and put her straight ?

TIA and sorry for the length of this post !

As said above, this is not your circus anymore. This is for your children to deal with. They are now adults. They have to accept that things have changed.
If they don’t like the way she speaks about you then it’s up to them to call it out in a calm and civil manner.
If they don’t feel they can do that or they don’t feel they are heard then it’s up to them how they decide to go on.
for yourself, if you don’t want to hear it, I would communicate to that to your kids.

Ive been through this, although with me it was the ex ( and we didn’t do joint events as it was a toxic relationship).
I had to grin and bear it very convincingly with tight boundaries for 10 years until son was 18 and at that point I was forced to explain to my son why I couldn’t have his father anywhere near me.
This was due to ex pushing boundaries as he’d just split up with his wife and basically wanted to muscle back into my life, and of course my son couldn’t understand why this was so inappropriate (he also has some social delay as autistic).
over time as my son has got older he really sees my ex for the man he is and has very little to do with him now.
I don’t think he’d have any contact at all but he has a half sister he wants to maintain a relationship with.
i think for son, watching his father treat new wife the same way he’d treated me bought up quite a lot of traumatic memory and his fathers inability to keep his dick in his pants really disgusts my son.
None of this has been said to me directly, but he talks to my mum about it all from time to time. I have never mentioned any of it, but I do now pay for his therapy to repair all the damage caused by his father (and by me for not leaving sooner).
you sound like you have been through a lot and are in a better place now.
you don’t have to carry this for your kids anymore and they don’t have to tolerate it if they don’t want to.
I guess they probably have difficulties with boundaries too, I know my son does and found it very hard to standup to his father who is very manipulative, but he does now and just sees him on his own terms when it suits him. Son is now 33 so none of this happens overnight.
Start as you mean to go on and start now. You have to assume the wife isn’t going anywhere and your husband isnt going to change. Make your peace with it. You don’t have to carry it now. Best of luck.

I can see 3 possible ways to go
1 see if your ex, the wet lettuce can help (, sounds as though he can't.

1. You ignore it . You concentrate on your relationship with your kids who should see through the old bag's nastiness.
2. Go and talk to the crazy witch..Pretend you somehow like her, like she's doing such an amazing job with the kids blah blah but you've been told the kids are somehow hearing stuff that isn't true from her. Can you both have a chat like adults and get things back on track..

Good luck 🤞

She’s clearly unreasonable but confronting her is not going to help. If you were typically friendly and she had just done one thing to upset you then maybe a conversation would help, but from what you’ve said it sounds like she clearly has an issue with you. I’ve never known a situation where somebody had an issue with someone else to the extent they were constantly slating them and where the other person turned around and said ‘oh you’re right, I’m so sorry’ and stopped. She is saying the things she’s saying to aggravate and upset you, confronting her just lets her know it’s working and will probably escalate things.

Your children are adults now, they can ask her not to talk about you like that to them. They also don’t have to have contact with her if she’s upsetting them, why can’t they see their Dad without her? It’s not like at 18 and 21 they still need to be having overnights, why don’t they just arrange to see their Dad for dinner or for a day out without her being present? You can also ask them not to repeat the things she is saying to you. There’s no reason for it to get back to you, especially if it’s effecting your mental health.

Confronting her is unlikely to result in her cowering as she’s put her in place. She may meet you with the same energy, and you could easily walk away looking and feeling worse than you did. Your children are now adults, and your ex really doesn’t need to have a relationship with you at all.

What used to be normal to you, when it comes to your relationship with your is, is no longer normal. The situation has changed.

This, it won’t go well I’m afraid.

It seems you very much ‘dgaf’ about what she says about you. So much so you think you should write a letter to your ex mil or your ex husbands partner, not sure which one 🤷‍♀️ you’re children are adults, time to stop playing happy families and ignore them!

Sounds like you’ve got far too much time on your hands. Maybe it’s time to go back to work 🙂

Come off social media and get on with your life

It would be nice to get along but you don’t and aren’t going to by the sounds of it. Given the abuse I’m not sure why you would even want to be around them.
You know it’s not true and so do your adult children. They need to not respond to her when she’s saying things about you- grey wall. Who do they live with?

But you ‘dgaf!’ you said!

Your kids are adults. Get a therapist.

Then they should stop seeing their father if he won’t stand up for them. That is their choice. Tell your kids you don’t want to hear about what she says, and if they don’t want to hear it, they don’t have to either. Same with birthdays. If they don’t want two parties, they don’t have to attend two parties. There is no law that says adult children have to see their parents if they don’t want to.

Your adult kids need to manage their own relationships. You’re probably not the most appropriate person for them to confide on this particular subject, given you have emotional involvement. Ignore. Enjoy your life.

If you believe you have the moral high ground, don't do anything which might compromise it.

Time to remove yourself from their lives, no need for joint events at their age!

Most of them are just putting up a front for the children. And good on them for putting children first. Some were never really that invested in the first place. Don't compare your life to others.
You need to move on. Ignore her. Be grateful for the fact your children obviously don't believe her anyway and as for your ex mil still liking you, we'll isn't that a win for your side? Most people seem to have trouble with mils even when married.

Look I hate my husbands ex, she’s a massive twat but nothing gives me more satisfaction than completely ignoring her, it really winds her up. We simply act like she doesn’t exist.

Agreed. Work can be very good for your health and give you new things to focus on. It could be voluntary work to start with.

The fact you can 'jokingly' say shall I knock her her head off doesn't paint you in a particularly good light. Your children are adults and kindly, can fight their own battles. Its not difficult for them to tell their step-mother that they don't want to hear nasty things said about you. If they are firm and consistent in that she will stop. I'm the meantime, I would suggest focusing on yourself and not letting what other people think about you bother you.

Telling them to ignore it is the right thing to do, but useless if you are reacting to her comments. They will get upset knowing that you are upset. The fact is that she is badmouthing you, and I suspect she's called you a lot worst than a fraud. Your adult children are old enough to tell her that they don't like it (tell their dad the same) and decide how much time they spend there. I personally would get up and leave the moment she started and would make it clear I was going back until she stopped doing it, but that's their battle. I know she's talking about you - I'm guessing things aren't great between her and your ex, otherwise she wouldn't be so preoccupied with you. The party thing is fine - you're divorced, celebrating together is nice but not essential. If your ex, his family and your DC desperately wanted it to happen, it would regardless of what his partner said - so sounds like the arrangment came to a natural end.

Precisely.
It looks like you’re looking for any reason to have a fight. Just don’t.

You sound like a drama queen who likes to have issues.

Your children are adults. They could choose to go zero contact with the other woman if they choose to. You are in exactly the same position. Just refuse any contact with her. You dont even need to be in communication with the father if you choose not to.

Move on. Your children can choose to move on too.

There are going to be plenty more situations in the future where you dont like how someone interacts with your children. Use this as a learning situation for everyone to deal with it like an adult rather than to knock someones head off

I agree with you. It is as important for separated parents to be able to be in the same room together as young adults, as young children. The safe environment you created to make sure your kids never felt conflicted at family events being taken away by a silly immature woman would infuriate me. I'm like you - I have an amicable relationship with my ex, a couple of times a year we go out for dinner with him and his new wife without our adult son, and it's a point of pride to both of us that our son has never had to compromise on birthdays or at Christmas, his graduation will be a joy, his wedding a breeze...

So I get it.

And the fact she's actively bad mouthing you is infuriating. I would directly call her out on it. Plainly and calmly. Describe the situation before she came on the scene, and how things are now, and say it is a crying shame and embarrassing that you can't be adults in the same room for the benefit of the kids any more, and shameful that she bad mouths you. You bear her no ill will, you have no designs on her husband - you just don't need this drama, please stop.

She can't hate you more than she does, right? But if your ex is a wet wipe, you need to stand your ground if she's badmouthing you to your kids.

What point is being missed? He’s married to someone who appears to dislike you, so it’s time you moved on.
Your kids are past the point of needing to spend their birthdays with their parents anyway, surely? And plenty old enough to understand why they’d be meeting you separately, for sure.
It’s frankly bizarre that they’d find that weird. I suspect it’s just you projecting.

Then it is up to your adult children to suggest a way that could suit everybody
They could suggest going out for a meal altogether, where the 2 women who don't get on, don't sit together, or something similar.