AIBU to knock her head off ?

[DallazMajor]

Myself and my children’s father seperated over 10 years ago. We are since divorced. He is in a relationship (prob started whilst we were married tbh).

Im not entirely sure when this started but for the but last 5 years at least his new partner has started to slag me off in front of my kids. For context I took voluntary redundancy 7 years ago it came at a convenient time as I was very unwell after a coercive controlling relationship. I already had mental health issues and the abuse sent me into psychosis. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive. Since then I’ve not worked (I’ve also been caring for my eldery parents and my 2 teenagers). I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.
I am constantly on the edge of my nerves, my mum passed away in January and my dad is very difficult to deal with. In retrospect he was very abusive toward my mum and this has also really affected me.

I digress. My exes partner has been slating me. Saying I’m making it all up, I’m fraudulently claiming benefits. I’ve spent all my children’s savings on holidays (none of which is true). She can say and think what she likes but NOT to my children. My children are older now (21 & 18) and they have confided that this has been an ongoing issue but if they ever said anything to their dad he took his partners side and told them off.

Not only this but in the last 4 years I’ve been excluded from stuff because of her. Previously (because me and the ex were completely amicable) we used to celebrate the kids birthdays and Christmas as a family. Including his partner. I used to welcome them into my home put on food etc. Both sets of grandparents would be there. It was for the kids benefit and there was no issue as far as I was concerned.

All this has stopped now and it’s a pita and a shame as my kids recently had big birthdays and it was all made awkward. (Ex husband came to my house to drop presents and pick up kids and his partner sat outside in the car scowling and texting him to hurry up). Honestly it’s just ridiculous.

Ive spoke to the ex husband about it. He’s a wet lettuce and does nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke). But what would you do? Anything ? Nothing ?

Also ex mil thinks the sun shines out of my arse which winds the new partner up. The ex mil has been told that it’s me causing the issues! Should I write her a letter and put her straight ?

TIA and sorry for the length of this post !

Can we stop with the "myself, yourself " nonsense.

Yes I agree with this. You can’t control how others act. Don’t feed the drama.

Your children are now adults. Do they really not have the gumption to tell her 'Please don't talk about my mum like that, none of that is true'?

My nieces and nephew are a similar age and would not stay silent if someone talked about their mum like that.

Of course you shouldn't, neither should you write to your MIL and 'put her straight', if she has always liked you there is absolutely no reason to bring her into this.

At the end of the day it was always going to be a possibility that your ex would get with someone who doesn't want to join up for family celebrations, it was nice while it lasted but it isn't the reality any more and you do need to accept that, the kids aren't children anymore.

And they can vote with their feet if they really don't like what she says about you, they are adults now, they don't need you to fight their battles for them, coming back to tell you everything she has said just seems like pointless shit stirring.

Your ex mil won’t believe you.

confronting the partner (she’s not a new partner now) won’t end well for you.

your kids need to navigate their relationship with their dad themselves.

let it go. Do a lot of uhhh and hmmm and that’s unfortunate with the kids when you’re getting told chapter and verse. Disengage.

It doesn't matter if he "bollocks" them. They are adults. They can just leave the room/house.

I do appreciate it's annoying because this is going to spoil future graduations/weddings/things with grandchildren like Christenings where both sides are in the same room.

I wouldnt whats the point ?
Just ignore her.

Why would you want to remain friends with your ex if his partner is so vile towards you?

Also your kids need to grow a backbone too. They’re adults. If they are upset with how their step-mum speaks about you then they need to go no-contact with her and just see their dad separately.

This woman doesn’t need to be apart of your life and vice-versa.

The only actions you can take is to:

1. tell your children you don’t want to be told what she is saying about you.
2. explain to them that repeating gossip and slander can be upsetting and unnecessary
3. advise your children if they find someone’s opinion upsetting or offensive, they should assert themselves by explaining this and ultimately leaving and avoiding that person
4. tell them if they want to decide how they celebrate their birthdays they need to host their parties and issue their invites.

Well they are adults now
So he doesnt need contact.time with them
They can either choose to visit him or not.

Your children are adults and they should tell their step mum that they don't want to hear her criticising you.

If it creates another drama with your ex sticking up for his new woman, so be it and your kids can choose how much or little time to spend with them.

This does have an awful soap opera feel about it.

You're all adults.

Your circumstances are unusual and your mental health is still not completely stable, so I think it would be fair to ask your children not to tell you what she says about you. It isn't good for you, and you can't help them.
This is no different from saying that you can't do something physical because it would make you ill, imo.

A question I often ask myself, as my late Mum used to say 'one tale's good until the other tale's told'.

Their dad has had them one day a week since we seperated. She was usually present at these times but I’d not say she has had much input with bringing them up.

They don't have to be there.

It's their choice now.

You have enough stress in your life without worrying about something you can't change. You have no control at all over what this woman chooses to say about you to other people, including to your adult DC. Anything that is to be 'done' really needs to be done by them.
They can disagree with her, ignore her or choose to avoid her if what's she's saying upsets them.
You unfortunately are the subject here not an a participant, so there isn't anything you can do.
If it were me I'd work hard on pushing her out of my head. Keep away from her SM and tell your DC you don't want to hear what she's been saying.
I hope your health and circumstances improve soon. Meanwhile you need all your energy and headspace for focusing on your wellbeing. Cut this irrelevant poison out.

If the kids think it's weird celebrating birthdays twice then, being adults, they can arrange a single celebration and invite you all. If ex and his partner want to cut off their noses to spite their faces by turning down the invitation, then good luck to them!

Did the your ex help look after your kids
When you were having psychotic episodes?
Psychosis is a very serious mental ill ness i hope you got a lot of support with it .

But you're not. Like it or not, this is your situation.

Your kids don't 'have to' celebrate birthdays twice if they don't want to. Ask them who they way to celebrate with and do it. If they don't want to do it with Dad and Cruella, they need to tell him. But if they don't want to do it with you, accept it and don't guilt them over it.

Moving forwards, your kids are going to have to get used to it. You don't havet the power to change it.

And detach. Be absent for pick up times (or asleep or in the shower). He's a cheating fucker and she's a bitch. But you can't change that. They make a good pair.

What do you hope to achieve by doing that? What would your objective be? What will the actual outcome for you and your adult offpsring be, do you think?

How effective will you "confronting" her be in changing her behaviour? Best guess, given how she clearly feels about you, how is she most likely to respond?

I think if you answer those questions honestly, you'll know what (NOT) to do and why.

It is so shit when kids, even adult kids, are caught between warring parents. She is a knob, dont also be a knob by stooping to her level and putting them in the middle.

Re Xmas and birthdays if the kids find it weird celebrating separately why havent they told their dad that and said no? Could they be telling you what they think you want to hear and saying the same to him? Otherwise surely as adults they could say they want celebrate all together and not partaking of you are excluded. The truth is with that level of drama they are probably not bothered but they know thats not what you want to hear.

I do understand your point, bc my kids dsm slags me off to them and they hate it. When they were younger they were too scared of the inevitable conflict that would follow speaking up but now as adults they call her out on it and she has eased off. That said, they would hate me slating her back, I never did. I just said 'i dont care what anyone else thinks but you guys so just ignore it, it doesnt bother me' and then I would rant to my friends out if ear shot of them.

You have to be the bigger person, who cares what she thinks. The people who know and love you know the truth, the rest dont matter

Are you prepared for her to hear things that might be more hurtful than her opinion of you?

Children, especially grown up ones, bitch and gripe about their parents. It usually means nothing but having that repeated back to you by someone who doesn’t think a lot of you isn’t going to be pleasant.

Even if the children haven’t said anything to her, I can’t see her having conversations with herself about you. Others in that family have been party to them.

Your children need to decide if they wish to see a father that bollixs them.

Stop doing anything together.
Do not have him join you.
Definitely take the time to fill your MIL in, then step away from them.

Nothing you can do. Your kids are adults now and they should not need to take it up with your dad. They can tell her to shut up directly.

Yes this. Since my kids became adult I only very rarely speak to or see my ex, no need for either of us to be in each other’s business. A graduation next summer will be the next time I see him.

Don't confront her. Just ignore and don't have any contact with her. Your children are old enough to make up their own minds.