AIBU to knock her head off ?

[DallazMajor]

Myself and my children’s father seperated over 10 years ago. We are since divorced. He is in a relationship (prob started whilst we were married tbh).

Im not entirely sure when this started but for the but last 5 years at least his new partner has started to slag me off in front of my kids. For context I took voluntary redundancy 7 years ago it came at a convenient time as I was very unwell after a coercive controlling relationship. I already had mental health issues and the abuse sent me into psychosis. He was mentally, physically and sexually abusive. Since then I’ve not worked (I’ve also been caring for my eldery parents and my 2 teenagers). I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.
I am constantly on the edge of my nerves, my mum passed away in January and my dad is very difficult to deal with. In retrospect he was very abusive toward my mum and this has also really affected me.

I digress. My exes partner has been slating me. Saying I’m making it all up, I’m fraudulently claiming benefits. I’ve spent all my children’s savings on holidays (none of which is true). She can say and think what she likes but NOT to my children. My children are older now (21 & 18) and they have confided that this has been an ongoing issue but if they ever said anything to their dad he took his partners side and told them off.

Not only this but in the last 4 years I’ve been excluded from stuff because of her. Previously (because me and the ex were completely amicable) we used to celebrate the kids birthdays and Christmas as a family. Including his partner. I used to welcome them into my home put on food etc. Both sets of grandparents would be there. It was for the kids benefit and there was no issue as far as I was concerned.

All this has stopped now and it’s a pita and a shame as my kids recently had big birthdays and it was all made awkward. (Ex husband came to my house to drop presents and pick up kids and his partner sat outside in the car scowling and texting him to hurry up). Honestly it’s just ridiculous.

Ive spoke to the ex husband about it. He’s a wet lettuce and does nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke). But what would you do? Anything ? Nothing ?

Also ex mil thinks the sun shines out of my arse which winds the new partner up. The ex mil has been told that it’s me causing the issues! Should I write her a letter and put her straight ?

TIA and sorry for the length of this post !

Absolutely! We all have our limit.

The people on this thread think they will be judged for standing up for themselves, they worry they will be laughed at by people who don’t know them. Instead I’d be more worried that someone thinks they can talk about me like that to my children!

I really can't see how confronting her will achieve anything - she's more likely to go round saying you're an irrational nutter after that!

Your children are old enough to deal with this themselves. They don't have to spend time with her if they don't want to. They don't have to spend time with their dad if he sides with her and upsets them. This is for them to navigate and doesn't need your input.

It's a shame that you are no longer amicable enough to celebrate birthdays together but it is what it is. Just enjoy celebrating with your kids and don't worry about what your ex is doing.

At the end of the day, you don't have to have any contact at all with your ex or his partner. Her opinion of you isn't important and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of speaking to her about it. Let her say what she wants, you know the truth. Tell your kids that you don't want to hear about anything she's said. You don't need to hear it.

#1 He’s using you to triangulate on her (and probably many others)..typical of abusive narcissistic men.

#2 Having them both in your house is giving people pleaser to the max, not good for your children. Be the example you want them to model their lives on.

Also, your dad (if he was abusive) is where you learnt to be treated this way. Get some therapy and let him pay for his own care.

Does it matter? I’d worry more about someone saying I was faking my bad mental health and I was a benefit fraud. Telling everyone I’m a nutter. Fine. But then the op can tell everyone she’s a lying (insert sentence). Everyone is happy and has closure.

It wasn’t spending Xmas together. It was him and his parents calling round on Xmas day with presents and staying for a brew and a mince pie.

his partner was also made welcome. Fair enough if she doesn’t want to come but there’s no need to be a prick about it.

I couldn’t give a shite what she thinks about me. But she shouldn’t be saying stuff in front of my kids. Especially when it’s actually slanderous.

Your DC are adults and you don’t need to have anything more to do with their dad or his partner or parents. Time to move on.

It wasn’t my ex husband who abused me.

I’ve had therapy with regards to my relationship with my parents.

I’ve continually had episodes of severe breakdowns, psychosis and blackouts.

As your adult children presumably know this what on earth are they doing repeating toxic shit they claim this woman has said about you? It's not doing you any good. Tell them firmly that they are adults, their relationship with their father is up to them to deal with and that you don't want to hear any more.

They need to grow up and handle it, rather than expecting someone whose mental health is clearly extremely fragile, to sort it out for them.

Having just seen that your kids are adults, they’re old enough to see through it. Forget this woman (she’s likely as nasty as he if they was cheating whilst you were together)

Leave them in their own little toxic bubble they’ve created. Your kids will naturally move away from them both, as no one wants to be around people like that for long.

Honestly there has been many occasions when the kids where younger they would come home upset. The name calling seems to have been ongoing for years although she seems passive aggressive so they might not have picked up on it when they were little.

Although obvs this is Mumsnet where people seem to be in another universe when it comes to such matters. I regret making this post. I was particularly annoyed this morning because my daughter told me that whilst I was away her dad & partner came to the house to pick them up and the partner had the brass neck to come in the house and start saying things like. “How’s she afford that? My taxes paying for her to buy it” and the like.

I’ve actively encouraged them to not cut their dad out of their life. He’s always been passive it’s part of the reason we split. But he has always been a decent dad as such. He loves them dearly and I don’t want the partners obvious dislike of me to cause issues between them and him.

Why on earth did they let them in 😳

I am happy they don’t feel the need to treat me like a fragile person. I’m not a weak person. Prior to becoming unwell I had a career in a high pressure environment and worked my way up into a managerial position

Sometimes shit happens in our lives that knock us down but I’m not some nervous wreck sat rocking in a corner.

My kids know they can talk to me about stuff

What are they meant to do - shout “do not enter” like raving lunatics ??

Im doing a degree and volunteering for a charity so please don’t concern yourself with my time.

Your children are adults, they do not need to shout do not enter they can politely say that you are not hope and that they would prefer to not invite them is and that they will meet them in the car.

You do not need either of these people in your life any more. It will be a lot less hassle for everyone if your ex and partner are not involved in your life. Two parties rather than one is a small price to pay.

If I am being honest you are not coming across particularly well in this thread.

I can just imagine how that would have been received.

Do enlighten me how I am not coming over well on this thread. I’m intrigued.

Of course not. But your children are adults now so they dont have to listen to what she says, nor do they need to be reporting it to you. It's not your job to manage or mediate their relationship with their dad and his partner. Just tell them you're not interested in her opinions and ignore, ignore, ignore. The alternative is court.

Just to add - if your dad is abusive just walking away from him is an option you should strongly consider.

You only know about all of this because your kids are telling you. Are they enjoying causing conflict, and upsetting you?

My dad is 85 and unwell. I don’t feel like it’s an option right now. I’m an only child so it’s tricky.

i think you need to be honest about why you care so much about this. I suspect at the heart of it is you, missing the family set up (understandable). The kids will cope with not having the family thing. They still do, it’s just a different family thing.

your ex’s relationship dynamics with his partner - respectfully - are not your concern. He’s not your husband, or even your friend, and you don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. It clearly works for them as they’re still together.

Honestly - for the sake of your mental health, move on. You can’t tell them what to say or how to be. That’s their choice. Just control what you can control, which is your reaction. Speaking to him/ them about it won’t help, it’ll just cause bigger problems for everyone, including your children - who I suspect don’t care as much as you do.

This. They’re not young kids, yet they’re acting (and frankly being treated) as though they were. They need to grow the hell up.

No they get annoyed. My son is less tolerant than my daughter. He’s stopped spending time with his dad if his partner is there. He’s more direct than my daughter who is a bit passive.

like I say I have confronted their dad about this issue previously because I have no way of contacting the partner. I sent him an email and it wasn’t aggressive or argumentative it was a simple request that he speaks to his partner when she starts name calling. He didn’t reply and then bollocked the kids saying they were trouble causers. This was about 4 years ago