AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

YANBU he needs to let go. Like you, I would take a step back too.

On the plus side, every year he doesn't sell the house it probably increases in value so theres that.

It might help a bit if you stop showing any interest in the property. Grey rock it. Don't ask how things are going, if he's doing a viewing, things like that. Cut off his supply. Saying "thats nice dear" if he tries talking about it etc. It might help.

His siblings will be able to take legal action for their share of the inheritance

Especially if they find out he was offered over the asking price.

YANBU

He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

He doesn't want to sell the house at all. He's wasting his own and everyone else's time, no wonder the agents are furious. He needs to be honest and take it off the market, although then he will have to sit and watch it rot. And you are sure there is zero chance he wants to live in it?

If not, he's got no choice, he needs to pull himself together.

YANBU. I have a family member who is like this. Empty flat in a very VERY expensive small city but she will not sell it because her mum and dad set foot in it a few times. She and her brother also have all their parents' belongings in a storage unit which will eventually become our problem as they are elderly themselves.

He can't do that unless he buys out his brothers.

Is he paying the council tax and other associated costs involved with keeping hold of the house? If I were his siblings I'd put those costs over to him to see whether that motivates him. But yes, he's being ridiculous and it's incredibly selfish on his siblings to have not accepted one of the over asking price offers.

If my sibling was doing this I’d be getting seriously fucked off. He needs to get a grip. The wrong shoes ffs! He’s not even pretending he actually wants to sell it at this point. And he’s preventing his siblings from accessing what I assume is a decent chunk of their inheritance.

What an absolute loon, I know he's grieving but this is too much. I don't know how one of his siblings haven't decked him.

Stage an intervention and tell him he's not allowed any involvement whatsoever. It's not his house, it's a shared inheritance. Insist he goes to bereavement counselling and he steps away fully from this.

Tell him the longer it sits empty, the greater the chance of squatters - he'll have no say over them!
Honestly, he's being very unfair - this isn't his house - it belongs to his siblings too.
Maybe some grief counselling can get him to see that his memories of his parents and loving family aren't tied to that house - the past will always have existed, no matter who lives there in the future. He does need some help here.

YANBU- your husband is being absolutely ridiculous. If I were his sibling I'd be at the point of legal action to get things moving. He should be taking all offers received to siblings and they should be making a decision together if based on the offer are they are happy to sell. Not based on someone's bloody shoes. Is he going to go round the house after sold and demand to tell them how to decorate etc.

His behaviour would be giving me a massive ick at this point. Thiugh I just wouldn't be that sentimental over a house. Omg over the letter writing that absolutely batshit.

I write this as someone who lost a parent not even 6 months ago

They know though and haven’t had an issue with that. They’ve left it to him to be involved in selling it they’re not waiting for the house to sell they barely ask about it because my husband is too obsessed and I think they’ve all just had enough. Last time they discussed the sale of the house, all his brothers just said “do what you like”

YANBU. He needs to let the agent get on with it, they have no emotion attached to the place and will get the highest price. He should not be at viewings and the agent has done the right thing in asking him not to be there.

Maybe he needs some counselling to deal with the "loss" of the property and his parents.

I think it will be taken off the market soon jjst so he can chill and figure out what he wants to do. KF have only kept up with us because the house is getting offers, they were their percentage. The way DH has behaved most would have just said find someone else but they’re eager to help him sell the house.

It is absolutely ridiculous. He’s actively refusing to sell which is disgraceful behaviour given his siblings no doubt would appreciate and are owed the inheritance proceeds. Trouble is, if he does agree to sell, he then has to complete the legal forms/replace any light fittings etc he wants to retain (can you tell I’m moving?!) so he could delay for god knows how long.

I would agree with the agents that he can’t do viewings, they ought to just tell him this and crack on with people. Our estate agent has been invaluable on both sides. He should be ashamed of himself.

Are his siblings not getting twitchy? Would he listen to you if you told him how unfair he’s being?

His siblings don’t care, they’ve had their inheritance there’s a few things left to sort out but they’re not too bothered about the house as it was left to my husband. He has chosen to split it once he finds a ‘good family’ (his words)

I had to sell my parents home and it isn’t easy when you have an emotional attachment. I wouldn’t have been keen to sell to a someone who I thought would really over develop the site or would be unpleasant to have as a neighbour.

But all the stuff about shoes, he patently just doesn’t want to sell. I’m amazed the agents haven’t sacked him as a client and they will if he continues like this. He absolutely needs to give his head a wobble and remember he is selling an asset, not picking a life partner.

He needs to not be there for viewings, at very least first viewings minimum. If you get an offer understanding what their intentions for the property at a high level is one thing. But he is doing nobody, including himself, any good.

This is outrageous behaviour on his part. He must be very careful that he doesnt damage the relationship with his siblings....they have a right to their inheritance, which he is obstructing. They should insist that the house sale is handed over to the agents and that he takes no further role. He sounds not only unhinged, but completely arrogant and out of touch with reality. Who does he think he is, to be judging who is worthy of buying the house?? Its not a moral exercise but a commercial one. Id be hugely offended if I were a potential buyer and no wonder the agents are furious.... he sounds like a first class plonker.

@NiftyRubyGoose, I would suggest your DH has some grief/bereavement counselling to help him deal with this issue.

He does need to let go of course, but I can understand how it's difficult for him. He will feel it's his responsibility as the eldest (it is drummed into us from the minute the sibling is born!) and the fact that he's having to let go of a home that has been in the family for generations must be weighing heavily too.
Are any of his siblings willing to just take everything off his hands and handle it going forward?

We’ve had arguments about it. That’s why I’ve removed myself from the situation it’s not my house it’s his it was left to him. I thought I was being nice helping him but apparently I’ve done nothing to help him and I’ve caused me issues. We are getting on a lot better now I’ve removed myself from discussing the house.

He doesn’t want to sell. It would be better to face that.

Can it be rented out?

We had to tell my Sister that she responsible for the Council tax and utilities. We would have to put the heating on over winter etc. Empty houses don't necessarily increase in value, unless they are being cleaned/aired/looked after etc. Every year, it all dates a bit more. Who is doing the garden? His Brothers can legally remove him as executor. It sounds as though he needs counselling. It's closing the door on that chapter of his childhood history and that of his parents. This isn't about the house.

My goodness he's suffering. Absolute lunacy behaviour but that's telling you something. He's got to get help. -(from GP not estate agents)

Agreed, post doesn't state that's a blocker, just the location. It's really the only other option other than selling it.

It’s clear he can’t bare the thought of letting it go. Because let’s face it - once it’s sold the kids inside can behave as their parents allow, people can wear shoes as they like and even what shoes they like!

So he either needs to decide to take it off the market and buy his brothers out, you move into it and sell yours and give neither their share or get some counselling to allow him to get past selling it.