AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

I don't think it's terrible unusual for some buyer vetting to go on, especially in circumstances where a property has been held by one family for a long time. My SIL and BIL were requested to meet the vendors before their offer was accepted on their house. I also had to write a letter to the vendors of our current house before the offer was accepted. So I do think estate agents and buyers accept a certain degree of this.

Saying that, sounds as if your DH has gone way off the deep end, to the point he is unlikely to accept any one. There will be no acceptable buyer.

He sounds mentally ill. He does realise even if the perfect family buy it they could sell it within the year.
It’s going to rot.
Does he want to let it rot and depreciate in value so he can buy it?

I can understand his attachment. I'd pull right back and let him and his brothers sort it, otherwise it will juat annoy you.

RTFT there is no inheritance, he owns the house in entirety

I understand its very special to him but when you choose to sell a house that house will not be yours anymore. Hes acting like they are going to be tenants. He shouldn't be there for viewings because it is also incredibly off putting for buyers to have someone thay clearly attached to the home. Its awkward.

You are right to step back.

Surprised at the really mean comments. I can understand why he's being unreasonable. Of course it's silly but it's a big thing for him. It doesn't follow that he's be an interfering landlord - the house would still be his, and I imagine people temporarily being in it wouldn't result in anything more than the usual scrutiny. He just doesn't want to sell.

granted I haven't moved loads of times but I have never experienced this when buying and selling. Twice we were shown round by the vendors but they were just interested in presenting the house and not in us as its new custodians. Different perhaps if you are renting out the family home?

I think if people walking through the door without removing their shoes on viewings is distressing for him, being a landlord is going to be a waking nightmare for him. If there's even a tenant that he would agree was suitable. Avoid this route at all costs, it's just kicking the can down the road.

There are two choices, he either keeps it and lives in it, or sells it.

Either he sells it or he buys it. Nothing else to it.

Mostly this will be to check that you seem honourable and trustworthy and are indeed in the situation that you claim (cash buyer, your house already sold and ready to proceed or whatever).

Some people would ask a few general questions about intentions and circumstances, and may indeed favour a nice, genuine family rather than a slightly shifty would-be developer or somebody who gives vibes of causing you issues throughout the sales process... but asking for them to write you a letter - as though you think you're some kind of benevolent House Santa - and objecting to utterly absurd things like what clothes they're wearing or how they may want to arrange their furniture after it's theirs - is absolutely bonkers.

Wow. The estate agent must be pulling their hair out!
X

He would be a walking nightmare for any future tenants too. It will never work.

I doubt that he doesn’t want to pay his brothers as he told them about the offers and not wanting to accept any of them. They’ve said that’s fine take your time. They’re not waiting for the money it’s a small percentage that they decided between them. They have an agreement if he can’t find anyone he likes. The brothers are all in the loop in terms of the house they’re not fussed I think it will be sold soon enough they’re not in a rush to get the money. They’ve had other inheritances from the estate.

Maybe it’s not that close but for me that seems fairly close I don’t see my parents that much nor do I speak to them everyday. I’m speaking from my own perspective and my relationship with my parents.
I do not think it’s odd we have been together since we were 19 he has always been this close to his parents especially his father, most of his hockey games at uni his father would come up and watch not many people had their parents come unless it was the BIG games. This is the relationship I have known since I was 19 I am in mid 40s now. Last I check they had the same close relationship the 19 years before I met my husband.

It’s not my house he’ll deal with it when and if squatters move in. My great aunts house took 2 years to sell and that worked out in the end. The house hasn’t been on the market a year yet if it was 2+ years then yes time to panic but hopefully counselling helps him. He has admitted that he is struggling and the house is something to remember his parents.

Maybe there’s more to it but it’s not my house. He’s got his own finances for the house. He is yet to dip into the children’s savings or our joint finances or even ask me for money so I’ll hold on for now. I am not judging him I’d be devastated if I lost both my parents in such a short space of time knowing what his father went through after his wife passed.

As an unsentimental person who let their house out and still found it hard at times seeing it become dirty and unkempt, I suspect there's a good chance that your imagining him as a disassociated and business like LL is way off.

And it's an expensive and potentially litigious game to play to find out.

They’re not happy but they’re still very much on good terms with him for now and are giving him a chance. They’ve dealt with him before and that went smoothly, we found someone and he liked them instantly and so they understand he’s lost his father.

Depending on the costs and practicalities, and how affordable it is for your family - you said he's a solicitor, so likely on a decent salary? - I agree with PP that you could maybe treat it as his hobby; and just take it off the market.

Some people do have expensive hobbies - we know a couple who earn quite well but are certainly not what you'd call rich, who have 17 horses between them. They don't run a stables or any other commercial enterprise; they're just their own horses. They spend a great deal of their spare time and income in keeping them; but it's their hobby of choice and it brings them a lot of joy.

If he did this, could he also maybe use it as an office or informal (or formal) business premises of some kind?

It’s good that not many of you have had to deal with losing a parent or maybe you’ve dealt with it better. I know my husband and this is very tough for him. I’ve known him for almost 30 years.

I'm a bit confused then because you started out as if you think he is being unreasonable but now you don't think he is - as the brothers don't want the money any time soon, he is grieving and he's funding it all himself (I would argue that's family money, but that's your business).