AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

Yeah I wouldn't wish that landlord on anyone.

A pp made a good point about squatters. OP has that possibility been discussed?

I'd have thought he needs to see a grief counsellor.

No it’s not normal to him. I’ve yet to experience losing both parents, he’s in counselling but that is quite a recent thing. Maybe it’ll help him process maybe not. Regardless he was very close to his father, the last 10/15 years he has seen his father at least once a week and for as long as we have been married he has spoken to father on the phone every single day checking in on him etc they were very very close and has struggled with the loss much more than his brothers.

I don’t think he has an issue with trampolines we have one in our garden he goes on it with the kids. He’s not against that sort of stuff I think he’s just nitpicking on the types of people that have been interested in buying the house. Deep down he probably doesn’t want to sell it as it reminds him of his father.

He’s started to but it’s only very recent

I was involved in a not-dissimilar situation. It was very hard on everyone to let "their home" go, even though the family had not lived together for years and the parents had left one by one for care homes/hospital before it was eventually cleared out for sale when they both died.

What genuinely helped when it was sold was doing a discreet drive by and seeing how the new family were living in it and bringing it back to life again. I accompanied a couple of times (winter and summer) and to see the Christmas tree in the window, then all the front garden bursting in bloom was so heartening. It was like the house was being loved all over again.

Hopefully the sale can be pushed though now, but I post this as a suggestion for your husband later on.

He himself is a solicitor and has worked within land law previously. He hasn’t openly discussed squatters with me but I am under assumption that if he does decide to rent he is aware of that.

Sounds like it's been left to him in it's entirety in the will and has now transferred to him so it's his house and nobody else's. He will be responsible for upkeep and insurance of an empty property.

We are selling my in-laws properties just now we just want them gone as the expenses are starting to mount.

You keep your home, he pays off the mortgage and transfers it into your sole ownership.
he moves into parents house.

Poor him. He sounds like he's losing it. Is it the type of house that would be at all interesting to look round as a stately home type thing?

Would it help to go and have a farewell holiday in the house for the rest of the summer holidays in an attempt to say goodbye and thank you to it?

Sorry I didn’t make it clear. The house was left to him in its entirety within the will. This was discussed with the brothers before it happened. So the brothers aren’t in any rush for the house to be sold as it’s not theirs. They’re not waiting for their inheritance through the sale of the house.

It is not a ‘stately home’ but it is quite the house. I think this is why he has yet to alienate the agents they’re determined to keep working with him.

Has h thought about putting it in trust for his children?
It's really hard to get on the property ladder these days ,and if your not desperate for the money,maybe keeping it to pass on to your children might be an idea ?
Or re look at all of you moving in to it again
None of your children are at ages where they sitting exams ,so a change of school is not a huge problem.
If it's a bigger house / nicer area ..it might be worth a second thought

Oh bless him, he's obviously struggling with this. That said, he's also behaving completely crackers.

I thought I was the most sentimental person in the world (get very attached to literally everything, struggle to let things go - I had a dreadful time clearing out my old room in my parent's house as an adult!). But even I would recognise that if things got this far I would need to get some help - I'd suggest he gets a referral for counselling. I'd also stop wasting people's time with viewings and take it off the market for a few months, it isn't really fair to mess people around like this.

"he can chill and figure out what he wants to do"

What the fuck does this mean - hes being a twat

So the house is no longer part of the estate, so the estate can now be wound up and finished?
Is the agreement to split it with his brothers once sold legally enforceable? Is that in the will? Does it prevent the estate from being fully wound up?

As @godmum56 says, I would treat the house as DH's expensive hobby. Make sure he pays for it out of his own money, not your family finances. Of course this is only possible if you and DH have your 'own' money, rather than everything being joint; if this house is costing your family money, that is different and I would not let it drift.

This a truly terrible suggestion. Can you imagine what sort of landlord he'd make??

I have visions of him hiding in the bushes with binoculars, monitoring the tenants' , every move, fashion choice and parenting decision!

I genuinely don't think kicking the can down the road is going to help. I think he needs to rip off the plaster, get it sold and then deal with his grief afterwards. I actually suspect that once it is sold he'll feel a great sense of relief to not have the weight of all this hanging over him.

My partner sold his late dads house this Spring, same thing, been in the family for years - nearly 100. He absolutely adored his dad and it was very difficult letting go of everything.

Once the house was sold my partner started to heal a little. I think being there, with every room holding memories and the sadness of loss, it was starting to affect him mentally. I think your husband really needs to take a step back, massive step back for his own mental health. Is it possible one of his siblings can take over?

I came to make the same point about the council tax. Have you looked into this and can you afford to keep ‘second home’ running? Because a sale going through could take a year, can you afford the CT, standing charges?? Have you seen how much it is? … he is just throwing money away. I’ve been where you are (different family member) - there is no ‘good family’. He probably can’t define it and says he will know when he knows. The longer he keeps that house empty, the more risk and money your family face. He needs to go to counselling and stop this for your families sake. This is yours and your childrens money he’ll be pumping into a sentimental memory - they are gone, it is sad but he has no control over who lives there.
we sold a multigenerational home to a ‘nice family’ who loved the original features. they divorced within a year, gutted it and its a HMO. im sorry but he has no control over its future

It costs potential renters a lot of money to move into a house. As you say, you don't know what his reaction would be. It would be cruel for him to give the go ahead, then be overly involved and want them out, over something stupid.

Surely this cant be real!?

He just doesn't want to sell it. Does he want you to move to that house and sell yours, that seems like the only option.

He does realise that even if he finds someone that he approves of they could just do it up and sell it on to anyone, he loses control as soon as he sells.

He is obviously still grieving the death of his Dad but he has to face facts and realise the house has to be sold. His brothers need to sit down with him and explain the effect on them too. I had to sell my childhood home and initially it was hard but now when I pass it it is just a house.

I agree with this in principle BUT I have first hand witnessed a close friend do this, for all the right reasons and the whole family wanted to, with no big upheaval or change or area. The reality was her DH loved the property more than the family and all his priorities and spending decisions were based on what was (in his opinion) in the interest of the house not his DDs or DW. Eg wanted to take them out of private school for two years, then they could go back, to use the funds to replace the roof, which needed a few repairs not a full replacement. You get the idea.

I fear there would be a danger of that in this situation.

OP, I think he follows logic with what he’s saying: „We couldn’t move to the house because of the children’s school” but it doesn’t mean that deep down he doesn’t want to. It’s a hell of a lot of history to pass on to some random person just for money (and I appreciate it will be a lot of money, but it has nothing on the emotional attachment). If your kids are still off school could you all move in there for the next few weeks? Potentially, keep it for another year and spend holidays there - if you can afford it. I wonder if he needs time to say goodbye to the house and this story he has about it and what could’ve been. Maybe seeing your kids roam around it for a bit would help him to process things. He lost both parents in close succession, father he was really close to and now he’s meant to loose another major part of his life - it might be practical but heart is rarely practical.

If he is taking charge then he has a responsibility to his siblings. It sounds like a big house so possibly the tax man will be coming along soon in which case they will have to come up with some cash?
He does sound completely obsessed over this. In a difficult market to have lots of buyers is great. Presumably he doesnt have sole control if he has siblings. Id have a word with them and get them involved.

Searching for the 'right' people to buy it is no guarantee. Family friend did this - she wanted home to go to a family, not a developer who'd break up the land. So she sold it to a family with 2 young kids who wrote a lovely letter saying they wanted it to be their forever home, talked about how they'd care for it. She accepted their lower offer. House was knocked down, awful one built in its place, some of land sold to developers for houses - in short everything she was trying to avoid, but she ended up with significantly less money than if she'd just gone with the first offer.
He needs to wait until he can accept that selling means relinquishing all control, which will be hard but will eventually be necessary.