AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

He would probably rent it to right people only too, and imagine poor tenants having him as a landlord.

His judgement is clouded by grief. He needs to buy it himself and share out the inheritance equally or let go.
I found it hard too, we took an offer under the asking price to make sure it was a family who bought it, DM would turn in her grave if it had been sold to a HMO scheme.
If I’d have been in the position to buy it then I would have.

Our friend rented his house out left to him by GDP, This may be a better solution if his siblings agree . He would still have some say in it and do inspections every so often .friend does this and also revamped the house too

OP, I see you've mentioned he's recently started grief counselling, which I think is very much needed. To my mind, this behaviour is a manifestation of his grief and his reluctance to 'let go' of his parents, and their memory. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want the house, which is so special to the family, to go to 'good people' but I do think his actions have gone too far, and this needs to be properly worked through in his counselling. He needs time to be able to come to terms with his loss, so, if it's possible, I would suggest taking the house off the market for a couple of months while he processes his feelings with his counsellor. I get the sense that selling the house at the moment would represent yet another loss that just feels untenable for him. So, in your shoes, I would remove the pressure for now. See whether he feels able to let go of the house in 2 - 3 months' time. Dealing with grief is so very complex, so I really hope he's getting the professional support that he needs, and that you yourself also have some sort of support in helping him through it. Wishing you both all the very best x

I’m sure the other siblings would prefer the lump sum rather than monthly rent. He can only do this, if he buys it himself.

In terms of what he what he wants to do, his options are limited. Does he sell or keep it. The longer he keeps it the more expensive it's going to be eg council tax and property maintenance Can you as a family afford that?

Another point worth bearing in mind is the insurance may become void if the property is empty for a particular length of time. Not to mention the risk of breakins and wannabe urbexers.

Agree @Tortephant

Who's to say the kids want a massive, derelict house & associated bills in 15 years? Even the DH doesn't want to live there now.
And will Dad kick off again if DC suggests they sell and buy a couple of flats instead? Is there guilt & obligation to live in 'the house'?

Is OP happy to to pay the tax, maintenance and security for that time, as well as having a second home and the impact that potentially has on their decisions to downside? This also applies to renting.

Renting & trusts sound like a way of kicking this issue down the road to be dealt with later, while a host of other issues will potentially emerge.

This, if he’s an executor I’d point out he’s in breach of his legal duty and failing to share out the estate according to his dads wishes so he is also in breach of his dads wishes, and his brothers could sue him if they know he rejected an offer above asking, does he think any of that would be what his dad wants?

The house is solely his not his siblings

If KF are warning buyers about him, are they not just seeing a red flag and striking it off their list straightaway? Asking interested parties to write an application letter would be fair enough if he were looking to give it away free to a lucky chosen worthy person to carry on the baton; but it's absolutely mental to be asked to do that and also pay more than the asking price for it.

Obviously the main thing in buying a house is the house itself; but if you know that the seller is likely to be a nightmare, cause endless issues, make demands and likely end up dropping out anyway, a lot of people would just think it not worth their while opening that can of worms.

Most buyers just want a reasonable, trustworthy seller who is as keen to see the sale go through as they are, with as little drama as possible, and get on with their life; and really can't abide known timewasters.

Is it an absolutely amazing, super special one-of-a-kind house that multiple people would be willing to put themselves through a huge amount of stress and uncertainty for the outside chance of maybe being able to buy it?

The house is solely his in its entirety this was discussed long before his father passed away. They all came to an agreement with his father present years before his father ever got ill

We all suffer loss in life but we don't all behave like this. It's not normal so stio making excuses for him. No-one will ever be good enough to live there in his mind, this isn't about letting a house go but letting his Father go. Which it doesn't seem he is able to do just now, so take the house off the market stop waiting people's tk evesirvislly the poor folk that put offers in and he needs to arrange some grief counselling.

Again I haven’t lost either of my parents therefore I do not know how I’d deal with grief of losing a parent. He is in counselling but this is fairly recent he’s not usually like this so I’m just going to let him grief. Other parts of our lives are the same it’s just the house that he’s struggling to let go and I’m sure he will. He’s even admitted that.

I've just read he's in counselling .

He sounds mentally unwell.

There’s 3 couples who have been in touch with the agents multiple times to ask why their offer was declined albeit above asking price. I don’t think the house will struggle to sell.

Grieving is a process that can and does take years And that's normal grieving, he looks as if he's suffering from an abnormal grief process. It's all been projected into the house.
When you say he doesn't have an issue with trampolines etc if someone rented it that would undoubtedly change if he was the landlord, a way of staying in control

I agree that it's totally unreasonable for him to play with other people's lives. It's not like spotting something pretty in a shop and thinking it might be nice to have; folk are planning their home and future lives for themselves and for their families. Leading them to believe that something is available for sale, when in reality it isn't, is dishonest and frankly cruel.

I'd advise against renting it out. We unwittingly rented a family home a few years ago and the landlord was constantly distraught at how our furniture looked ("I don't like the sofa there, it needs to go by the window with a table") and would come over to do the garden properly so it carried on looking the same. We only stayed for a year as it drove us potty and never felt like our home. I think it ruined the memory of the house for him. Your husband needs to get some urgent counselling as whether the house is empty or sold to someone, his parents are still dead and that chapter in his life is over. The council may force the sale under their terms if it remains empty.

I haven't lost my parents either but in my experience people do go a bit weird for a while when they lose a parent. We've all got to go through it haven't we. It sounds like the house is tied up with his own identity too if it was handed down the generations. Whatever you think about that it must feel like a big deal. Quite understandable to have very complicated feelings about it all.

You can't really take it out on all these unfortunate house hunters! I don't envy you trying to communicate that to him though. It sounds like you are doing what you can. Maybe give yourself a time limit of when you're going to have to start insisting things move.

As someone currently looking at properties several hours from where we currently live (and with our own house on the market that’s been our family home for 30 years), I’d be majorly ticked off if I’d taken the time & trouble to travel to view a property and make an offer, to be declined because I wore the ‘wrong shoes’!
I’d also expect shoe covers to be provided if I was expected to remove my shoes and walk around a house that’s been empty for a long time.
In the current market, I’d accept any buyer that made a decent offer - once it’s sold it’s theirs to do what they like with.
Is he going to police what renovations they can do and what colour paint they choose?!
He needs to take it off the market.

It must be very special, then; but I doubt they'll persist forever.

Maybe they think he's holding out to negotiate a higher price; but once they understand that he isn't actually willing to sell at any price, I can't imagine them continuing to flog a dead horse.

He's been handed an albatross around his neck, and I don't think this was an accident. He must feel tremendous pressure not to let it go, and the fact that there is no external pressure on him financially to sell is making this more difficult for him.

Hopefully the therapy will let him see that he can cut the ties and let it go, and that is within his power.

If he managed to visit his father weekly and be there for every viewing, how far away is the house from where you currently live? Could your children stay in their current schools but just have a slightly longer school run journey? Selling a house which has been in the family for generations must be incredibly emotional, adding on top the grief at his parents’ deaths.

If you can afford it, could you keep the house for now for weekends and holidays or potentially move there and rent your current house out?

At 12 moving secondary schools wouldn’t be awful, however leaving it another year or two wouldn’t be great.

But you also say if it achieves a certain price, then some of those monies are due to be paid to his brothers. And agreed with a solicitor, so it’s legally binding. So he is acting as a blocker to the estate settlement, his brothers have an interest in it too. Sounds like he maybe doesn’t want to pay his brothers….

it won’t be insured either as it has been left empty for months now. Also OP, squatters could move in now, this isn’t tied to renting- research this. If it’s ’quite The house’ that is a real risk.

What has he said to you about not wanting to sell it? Why is ‘the right family’ even a thing? As a solicitor I assume he has insight into how irrational this is, so I suspect there is more going on 🤷‍♀️ A call each day and weekly visit to an aged parent is not super duper close to warrant this weird behaviour. There is definitely more to this than meets your eye OP.