AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

It’s not jointly owned it was left to him entirely.

Op do you know why it was left to him rather then split between the siblings?
Did his Dad always think he would live in it and that’s why is more of a wrench

OP. He sounds a very honourable man. He wants to dp the right thing for his beloved father and get it right for people who he has known his whole life.
As long as the estate agents are giving prospective buyers the heads up, then they know what they are getting into both with their time and their heart as they will be devastated if it is their right house, but can't buy it

He can afford the impact of not selling. It is his house.

Grief is different for each person. If me, I would make sure it is secured, take it off the market and give him space.

And do you know. He may then see outside of the right shoes etc. the right family will come along and make the memories he has held so tight

If that is the case then I don’t think it’s fair to try and get them involved in this, OP. Their father made it clear from a very young age that they were going to be treated differently to your husband, and asking them to intervene because your husband is not doing what you want him to do with a property that was solely left to him is a bit of slap in the face to them. You should not involve them in this.

He has issues to work through, to him giving up the house is like giving up the last piece of his parents.

Take the house off the market and get him some grief councelling. The reaction from everyone here should tell you that his behaviour is very far from normal and his mind is not in a good place.

Me and my siblings sold our family home just over a year ago. It's normal for it to be emotional and imagining strange people in 'your' family home is odd. I even feel strange going past the house and not being able to pop in. It's something that most of us can cope with though, even when dealing with grief, which is why i think your husband may need help.

In that case, I think KF should honestly explain this to potential buyers: that they might be able to get it for a really good price if their faces and circumstances fit, but that it isn't a standard sale whereby the highest/an over-asking-price (serious, genuine) offer will usually be enough to secure it.

Almost like a job interview, whereby each side can present their strengths and reason for choosing them over somebody else and then go on to negotiate the terms and salary.

It will save a lot of heartbreak, anger and confusion if this is clearly spelled out to everybody who shows interest. At the other end of the cost spectrum, if you were looking to buy something from the supermarket for the price on the shelf, but the cashier refused to let you buy it, on the basis that somebody else might need/deserve/appreciate it more, you would be asking angry questions. By contrast, if it were a food bank, whereby there were clearly stated criteria as to who would get the food - whether they can make a small contribution or not afford to pay a penny - people would understand that just having and being willing to pay the market price is not in itself sufficient.

I don’t think they’re treated differently considering how their fathers estate was handled and who got what and all the grandchildren got the exact same amount regardless of any other factors. They’re willing to help him he just hasn’t asked for help.

I will speak to them they’re his brothers they’re all quite close they were each close to their father in different ways and have been checking in on one another. They know DH is struggling the most with and have been ever so kind with certain aspects. I think you’re making assumptions on their relationship based on a house. The house sent to DH this was discussed multiple times then officially discussed with a solicitor everyone came to an agreement on what what’s what who gets what etc they just got different things.

Oh no that’s so very difficult!!
And he’ll be paying council tax , utilities , insurance etc to keep the place running.
Someone will need to keep popping in to clean it and air it out .
This would drive me absolutely crazy.
FWIW i sold my mum’s little home as soon as I got a decent offer after she passed away

I agree with others that if he's this bad as a seller he would be 100 X worse as a landlord.

I would have a chat to him, preferably with his therapist present about the fact that the longer it sits empty the more likely it is to have issues with break ins, vandalism, squatters, fall into disrepair, etc., any of which would be heartbreaking for him. See if he can persuaded that it's better for the house to be loved by someone, even if not the perfect someone, than to sit empty. Then ask him to let the experts (estate agents) sell it. Maybe even see if he could see that in a snapshot he would even turn down your own family if you happened to visit.

Maybe have a framed picture of it to keep as is.

His parents had a cleaner and she is still going in to keep it clean for the viewings. Most of the things are out of the house apart from certain things that the negotiator told us to keep for the viewings.

The house is still being tended too especially right now while it’s still on the market.

I wouldn't get them involved - could backfire spectaularly on all of you and come across as you all pressuring him which could easily cause anger and make his heels dig in further.

It sounds like he needs time - however frustrating that is to you. You can't make him sell any faster you can refuse to engage with entire situation further - push back all decsions, work and fretting about vetting people back onto him - which I think you've said had started to do.

The estate agent seems to be trying to manage him and buyers are always at mercy of sellers being diffcult or changing minds - and that's not something you can do anything about.

It's his house he can apparently afford to keep it - at some point he'll either sell or take it off the market. I think disengaging as much as possible so either choice is just background noise to you is only way forward.

He won't be telling them he's refusing buyers for the wrong shoes.

Probate came through fairly quickly (once we finally got the Death Certificate but that's another story) but we obviously couldn't put the house on the market until we had that.

He could sell it to the perfect person and then this person out of the blue might have to move and need a quick sale. They will sell it to anyone who wants to buy it.

I agree.

In my professional life I am frequently in contact with the bereaved and grieving and the OP's DH's behaviour is very much beyond the range of normal.

In addition, I'm from a family who had lived in the same house for multiple generations over 110+ years, and none of us behaved remotely like this when it was sold.

That sounds very difficult. Is it a long way from you, so it wouldn't be possible to move there?

I don't think he should attend the viewings. Perhaps he is hoping for the same sitiation as his mother's house, where a family came to look at it who he liked? It sounds more loaded now. He needs to paise the sale.

I imagime as some Cotswolds farmhouse pr something.

What help does he need? What help do you believe his brothers can provide and haven't yet?

If you all gang up on him and force him to sell a house he can afford to keep before he's ready how sure are you that he'll get past that and won't blame any of you- especially if it all goes tits up with new owners. I don't know the man so I've no idea.

Personally I'd step way back let the greif councilling take place - let estage agent earn their money and manage a diffcult seller - it's their job after all.

Why do you feel this is your issue to solve?

Are estate agents moaning to you - if so direct them to your DH it's his house and his behavior - if it's family do the same. Do you believe selling the hosue will speed up the grief process for him? Is it time taken by the house or money you resent? He owns the house he can afford to keep it - why the rush from you?

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/90738705#/?channel=RES_BUY

Yes - this sort of house for me!

Tell your husband that image isn't everything. A potential buyer may look like a family man; may even bring his family around for viewings; but then once the property is sold you discover he's a property developer....
The house doesn't hold memories. Your Husband's brain does that. I haven't been in my Grans house for 30 years and never will. However I still remember the layout, the coal fires and the "best" room.

Yes that's the sort of thing that i had in mind too.

He has thought. He was telling about what his counsellor said in regards to the shoes situation. The shoe situation was exactly why he started counselling after we talked about his ridiculous he was being. He knows he’s struggling that’s why he has started counselling no one told him to start not a lot of men would opt into counselling on their own. As well you’re not in his weekly sessions with him ? Neither am I for I know he could be talking about me either way it does take time he’s on recently started counselling not a cure just a way to find mechanisms to deal with grief of losing both parents in such a short space of time regardless of age it still hurts.

Once his parents house sells (if it sells) I might post it on here.

Very similar. I wish I could post it but I’d ideally do not want to dox as someone might recognise, he’s already known within the area and people around are very nosy because not many houses go for sale most just pass it down to family members.

Also don’t want people to view who aren’t even interested

I haven't lost my parents, but my work involves supporting individuals and families before and after a bereavement. Please, be aware that your husband's behaviour goes very far beyond normal grieving. I have known people to have lost both parents within 2 months and although very clearly bereft, they did not behave in the irrational way that your DH is.

From what you say here, I would say that he is unwell and needs the support of a skilled and experienced grief counsellor.

It is hard selling the family home after your parents die. All of us who have had to do it can vouch for it. I took photographs of every room and the garden.
I'd get him to take it off the market until the grief has subsided a bit. He will eventually change from feeling really emotional about it to deciding that he's had enough and it needs to go.

Everyone is different. He is in counselling with a specialised grief counsellor he does recognise that he’s not okay. Things don’t just magically change he’s just started seeing him. There’s morning more we can do he’s accepting support ultimately it’s up to him to do the work to process the grief which is why we will be removing the house off the market. They have 4 more viewings planned he’s willing to see how those goes then KF will remove off market and just have it on standby till he is ready.